AM Inspiration

The Great Chasm

2012-02-07T18:49:00.000-05:00

"A very tough choice is coming your way today, and you might not quite know how to handle it -- should you go with your gut in a snap decision, or research all the angles and deliberate for days? The stars say that if you get your ego out of the equation, you will be able to make this important decision easily. You are a work in progress, and sometimes you don't know what's best for you. That's why forgetting 'what's in it for you' is a smart way to go every now and again."

Its funny.

I like to check my horoscope. Its interesting to see what they have to say. These people that sit around and make up these nice sounding epithets. I always read these things with a sense of amusement. Sometimes coincidentally it may relate to my life at the moment and others its soo way off its laugh out loud-able.

There are people who really set their lives according to their horoscope. They call their psychics religiously paying them hundred of dollars a conversation. Every decision, every day is planned around whether the moon of Saturn is in the orbit of Venus. Their chi may be off.

Most people have some sort of higher power they put their faith in. Karma always gets you. The feng shui has to be just right. People pay thousands of dollars to have their furniture placed just right. Atheists put their faith in science and man.

No one believes in nothing.

Clearly, most of these things are ridiculous. Real psychics no longer exist. There are many mitzvot in the Torah that prohibit the various forms of the magic. We are not allowed to look into our futures, not allowed to contact the dead. These things do exist. The power of magic exists in the world. It is a koach hatuma but it does exist.

What do we put our faith in? What greater power do we trust?

Do we ask the advice of our Rabanim as religiously as the psychic fanatics go to their psychics?

I think that the hardest is actually living the way we say we believe. I say i believe that everything G-d does is for the best. But do I always behave that way? Do I always internalize the lessons that I say I have learned? Probably not. The dichotomy leaves me confused; it leaves me feeling like a hypocrite at times. Why wont my heart just listen to my head?

How much easier would life be if the two would just cooperate?

But I digress.

Our belief system is not just that. It is our life. It is what rules or rather should rule every minute of everyday. Being Jewish is not just something that we can just happen to be while living the rest of our lives. It is not a separate entity. It is our entire being.

Sometimes we forget. Sometimes we slip. That is inevitable But what do we return to? What is our source of comfort? Who do we trust explicitly more than anyone else? I think that says a lot about a person.

In the mean time I still read my scopes with amusement, still call my rabbi for my halachic questions, and hope and pray that G-d helps me close the chasm between my heart and my head.

Falling is not Failing

2012-01-19T19:19:00.000-05:00

i'm not afraid to fall
it means i climbed up high
to fall is not to fail
you fail when you don't try
i'm not afraid to fall
i might just learn to fly
and i will spread these wings of mine

if i get up i might fall back down again
so lets get up c'mon
if i get up i might fall back down again
we get up anyway
if i get up i might fall back down again
so lets get up c'mon
if i get up i might fall back down again
and i might fall back down again
and we'll just jump and see
even if its the 20th time
we'll just jump and see if we can fly

I have fallen.

Physically more recently, and spiritually as well.

I went ice skating on Monday. I'm not a huge fan but I usually have a good time when i go. Going around, i fell. Ok that is to be expected, im not exactly a figure skater extraordinaire. It hurt more than it should have, but I have knee issues, and i fell on my knees..so whatever its normal.

I managed to fall three times over the course of my field trip. My friends who held on to the side the entire time...they did not fall once.

I managed to really hurt myself. I still have issues bending my knees and I avoid steps with a passion. The subway makes me cringe. But BH I am walking and could make it to the hallowed halls of school today. But the pain is definitely there. It is currently turning a wonderful conglomeration of blues, purples and soon some yellow will make its appearance.

I mentioned earlier that spiritually I have fallen too.

Recently my friend asked me what is the biggest change I see in myself since I have made this big move. I was embarrassed to say, but here's the truth..i have gone backwards. I had previously made significant changes in my life. I had cut out certain activities out of my life. Yet, i seem to have slipped back into them. I jumped, i flew, but i seem to have left my wings at home. I feel grounded.

Falling has consequences. A physical fall will give you bumps and bruises . As for my latest rendezvous with the ground..i could barely walk, sleep, stairs...without being reminded.

Spiritual falls bruise our soul. It sets back out growth. We don't see it. We don't feel the pain. We just go along, and say to ourselves that G-d will understand and that I'll get better i just need this right now..etc etc etc. We need to make sure that we don't lose our wings. We don't lose our spiritual support..

Falling is inevitable, the question is...do you feel the pain? How are you going to deal with it? Are you going to let it fester and ooze or will you treat it, bandage it up and find the support you need not to fall again.

i'm not afraid to fall
i've fallen many times
they laughed when i fell down
but i have dared to climb
i'm not afraid to fall
i know i'll fall again
but i can win this in the end

Structured Procrastination

2012-01-15T10:21:00.001-05:00

Structured Procrastination

Author practices jumping rope with seaweed while work awaits.

``. . . anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment." -- Robert Benchley, in Chips off the Old Benchley, 1949

I have been intending to write this essay for months. Why am I finally doing it? Because I finally found some uncommitted time? Wrong. I have papers to grade, textbook orders to fill out, an NSF proposal to referee, dissertation drafts to read. I am working on this essay as a way of not doing all of those things. This is the essence of what I call structured procrastination, an amazing strategy I have discovered that converts procrastinators into effective human beings, respected and admired for all that they can accomplish and the good use they make of time. All procrastinators put off things they have to do. Structured procrastination is the art of making this bad trait work for you. The key idea is that procrastinating does not mean doing absolutely nothing. Procrastinators seldom do absolutely nothing; they do marginally useful things, like gardening or sharpening pencils or making a diagram of how they will reorganize their files when they get around to it. Why does the procrastinator do these things? Because they are a way of not doing something more important. If all the procrastinator had left to do was to sharpen some pencils, no force on earth could get him do it. However, the procrastinator can be motivated to do difficult, timely and important tasks, as long as these tasks are a way of not doing something more important.
Structured procrastination means shaping the structure of the tasks one has to do in a way that exploits this fact. The list of tasks one has in mind will be ordered by importance. Tasks that seem most urgent and important are on top. But there are also worthwhile tasks to perform lower down on the list. Doing these tasks becomes a way of not doing the things higher up on the list. With this sort of appropriate task structure, the procrastinator becomes a useful citizen. Indeed, the procrastinator can even acquire, as I have, a reputation for getting a lot done.
The most perfect situation for structured procrastination that I ever had was when my wife and I served as Resident Fellows in Soto House, a Stanford dormitory. In the evening, faced with papers to grade, lectures to prepare, committee work to be done, I would leave our cottage next to the dorm and go over to the lounge and play ping-pong with the residents, or talk over things with them in their rooms, or just sit there and read the paper. I got a reputation for being a terrific Resident Fellow, and one of the rare profs on campus who spent time with undergraduates and got to know them. What a set up: play ping pong as a way of not doing more important things, and get a reputation as Mr. Chips.
Procrastinators often follow exactly the wrong tack. They try to minimize their commitments, assuming that if they have only a few things to do, they will quit procrastinating and get them done. But this goes contrary to the basic nature of the procrastinator and destroys his most important source of motivation. The few tasks on his list will be by definition the most important, and the only way to avoid doing them will be to do nothing. This is a way to become a couch potato, not an effective human being.
At this point you may be asking, "How about the important tasks at the top of the list, that one never does?" Admittedly, there is a potential problem here.
The trick is to pick the right sorts of projects for the top of the list. The ideal sorts of things have two characteristics, First, they seem to have clear deadlines (but really don't). Second, they seem awfully important (but really aren't). Luckily, life abounds with such tasks. In universities the vast majority of tasks fall into this category, and I'm sure the same is true for most other large institutions. Take for example the item right at the top of my list right now. This is finishing an essay for a volume in the philosophy of language. It was supposed to be done eleven months ago. I have accomplished an enormous number of important things as a way of not working on it. A couple of months ago, bothered by guilt, I wrote a letter to the editor saying how sorry I was to be so late and expressing my good intentions to get to work. Writing the letter was, of course, a way of not working on the article. It turned out that I really wasn't much further behind schedule than anyone else. And how important is this article anyway? Not so important that at some point something that seems more important won't come along. Then I'll get to work on it.
Another example is book order forms. I write this in June. In October, I will teach a class on Epistemology. The book order forms are already overdue at the book store. It is easy to take this as an important task with a pressing deadline (for you non-procrastinators, I will observe that deadlines really start to press a week or two after they pass.) I get almost daily reminders from the department secretary, students sometimes ask me what we will be reading, and the unfilled order form sits right in the middle of my desk, right under the wrapping from the sandwich I ate last Wednesday. This task is near the top of my list; it bothers me, and motivates me to do other useful but superficially less important things. But in fact, the book store is plenty busy with forms already filed by non-procrastinators. I can get mine in mid-Summer and things will be fine. I just need to order popular well-known books from efficient publishers. I will accept some other, apparently more important, task sometime between now and, say, August 1st. Then my psyche will feel comfortable about filling out the order forms as a way of not doing this new task.
The observant reader may feel at this point that structured procrastination requires a certain amount of self-deception, since one is in effect constantly perpetrating a pyramid scheme on oneself. Exactly. One needs to be able to recognize and commit oneself to tasks with inflated importance and unreal deadlines, while making oneself feel that they are important and urgent. This is not a problem, because virtually all procrastinators have excellent self-deceptive skills also. And what could be more noble than using one character flaw to offset the bad effects of another?

by Joh n Perry: Copyrighted from somewhat recently til as of nowSite designed by the author's granddaughter, who did the work while avoiding the far more weighty assignment of her literature test.

inner pasta

2012-01-11T17:35:00.000-05:00

Your Inner Pasta

Everyone has an Inner Pasta that defines their very Being. EMBRACE your Inner Pasta and you will alwaysbe HAPPY

straight, narrow-minded, predictable spaghetti

curly-wurly, never-knows-the-time-of-day fusilli

showy, bowy, ooh-look-at-me-aren't-I-wonderful farfalle

flat, floppy, yeah-whatever, can't-be-bothered tagliatelle

large, thick (and ultimately stuffed) cannelloni

Do-what-you-want-to-me-then-cover-me-with-cheese macaroni

Is it not interesting how we label people. Personality quizzes tell us what kind of shoes we should wear. Aptitude tests tell us what fields we should go into. Our families define us, our neighborhoods define us, out schools, our friends, our clothes..it seems that the list is endless. So many things.

Some of them are fun and harmless..what kind of pasta are you?

Really? Does it matter? Does it have any kind of truth to it? You tell me. Does this correlate with any of you? Are you really what we you eat?

There are so many stereotypes. Some founded, some unfounded. We make so many snap judgments. I laughed at myself one day, when i caught myself making so many judgments and so many decisions about all the people i observed from the moment i left my apartment, got in the bus, transferred to the subway, walk to school, take the elevator up. that is a lot of people that I come across. So many thoughts crossed my mind.

~why is she wearing fur!!?! its 60 degrees outside!

~ why in heavens is she wearing sunglasses; its a. indoors, b.underground c. at night d. in the rain

~what is she wearing?

~ that's an interesting couple...weird..

these kind of judgments are made subconsciously, without thinking.

But then there are the judgments that we make because we truly believe in. If you read Cymbaline's post, you may judge her friend Tova, for going on a trip that might kill her. People are jumping all over Tania because of her decision to say no to a second date with a guy she went out with. Not me, not you..SHE went out with this guy and felt that it was not going to work or not. How can anyone say?

Honestly, when I first heard about Tova wanting to go on this trip "even if it killed her" and Cym considering on actually doing it...i kinda freaked out. What kind of friend takes her on a trip that could in all likelihood kill her? Why is she giving in to her..wants are not the same as needs.. but on further examination i realized that Cym is right. Who am i to qualify what is really better for her? BH I am not in the position so I can not even begin to imagine what her life is like.

As for Tania, so many times have people scoffed at my reasons for saying no. They said that my reasons were frivolous..don't i know what the market is like? Dates don't come along everyday..you have to give it another chance..etc etc etc..but I know that for me..this was not going to work. No one else can make that assessment but me. Trusted friends and mentors may be asked for their opinion. But beyond that..no one else has say.

Every time we make a judgement we put a person into a small box. Limiting them.

Would you want someone to limit you?

de·pend·ence

2011-12-30T08:49:00.002-05:00

1.the state of relying on or needing someone or something for aid, support, or the like.

2.reliance; confidence; trust: Her complete reliability earned her our dependence.

3.an object of reliance or trust.

4. the state of being conditional or contingent on something, as through a natural or logical sequence: the dependence of an effect upon a cause.

5. the state of being psychologically or physiologically dependent on a drug after a prolonged period of use.

We all have people in our lives who we depend on. We have things we depend on.

We depend on the car to run in the morning, the train to take me to school.

The coffee to give me a spruce in the morning.

We trust that things will go according to their nature.

But we can only allow ourselves to have so much bitachon in the physical world.

We just came out of Chanuka, A holiday that celebrates our victory over the Greek influence. A holiday when we separate ourselves from everything that is Rome, Paris, and Hollywood.

We put distance between an ideology that says "its up to you to make it happen!" Distance from a world that gives utmost credence to the connections that you have. After all its not what you know but who you know..right?

Yosef made this mistake. ( it can only be called a mistake on Yosef's level) He placed his faith on a person. He used his connections to get him out of jail. He had experienced such grand miracles until this point; Hashem's hand was clearly visible in his life. Yet he chose to rely on the human, on the composition of carbon molecules.

"Yisrael Betach Ba'shem ezram umaginam hu"

Yisrael trusts in Hashem, He is their help and their Shield.

" tov lachasot b'Hashem mi bitoach b'nidivim"

It is better to take refuge in Hashem that to put confidences in princes"

The amount of, for lack of better translation, trust (bitachon) one has directly correlates to the amount of involvement He has in your life.

In the times when people served idols, they were not just wasting their time. When you you believe in something, you give strength to it. You empower it.

When you trust in a relationship, you give it validity. When you rely on your car to get you to work in the morning, you are giving it power. When one trusts the doctor to save her, she places all the control in his hands.

However, when we daven, when we say hallel, when we talk to Hashem throughout the course of the day..we remind ourselves that it is really Him who runs the world. Davening is not about asking Hashem for parnassa, health, wisdom...etc etc.. Davening is to remind us, that He is the source for everything in the world. Everyday, once, twice, three times a day, we remind ourselves exactly who it is we want running our lives. We remind ourselves that the only one we should be dependent on is G-d, Who Was, Is and Always Will Be!

We have a choice to make every second of every day. With whom do we put our faith?

Do we choose a finite being, or even a collection of finite beings, ourselves included, to help us navigate through this seemingly chaotic world? Or do we look for a Being greater than ourselves? Do we look to the Infinite one who knows how this all will end? Who knows what makes every single cell and electron do precisely what it does at any given split second?

The choice is ours to make. Within that choice lies our fate.

Now what?

2011-12-27T00:20:00.001-05:00

Its the end of the year.

Its that time when some days are eerily quiet and some days and insanely chaotic.

Finals are done, papers turned in, and books put away.

Its time to sleep. Its time to put the coffee back on the shelf.

I never thought the semester would finish. I never thought it could possibly be as difficult as it was.

There were so many moments when i thought there was no way i was going to finish. So many times i was plagued with self doubt. So many times i wondered if i may the right choice.

Every test was accompanied with a whispered prayer.

Chasdei Hashem. I passed the semester. I have set myself up for another semester of this strange form of torture.But not everyone in my class was so blessed.

So many hours spent studying. How many gallons of coffee drunk in effort to stay awake. How many sleepless nights?How many family functions missed? How many friends estranged...all for what?

Nothing to show for it.

The number of people taking finals diminished daily.

What do they do? Where do you go after your dream slips through your fingers?

Do you have what it takes to pick yourself up and try again? Do you reapply and start over? Do you wallow in self-pity? Do you pick a different career? Do you take it as a divine sign that it was not meant to be? Do you have the self-confidence to commit yourself completely to something other path that may not work out? Do you have the strength to apply yourself with the same intensity you did last time?

Or will you put on a brave face and try to piece your life back together only to live your life in black and white instead of in technicolor? Will lackluster be the one word that describes you?

What would you do? Where would you go after everything you've worked for ever ends up in failure? How would you cope?

Point of Interest

2011-12-20T22:37:00.000-05:00

When it comes to online chatting there are two kinds of people:

People who type up the whole megilla out and then press enter

and then there are people who send what they say as they say it.

Which category do you fall in and why do you choose that method?

Humbling Moment

2011-12-15T18:00:00.002-05:00

Tis the season

With the holidays coming up, it seems that the subways are experiencing an overload of acts. I rarely see a "show" on the way to school. Today, I saw two.

I don't usually feel particularly sympathetic to these people. Today, it was different. Today I felt bad for the people who came on.

First came this older gentleman with his violin. He played beautifully. It was so sad. When these teenagers come on and they put on a cool dance show, I don't feel bad for them. In my mind, they are just kids trying to make some extra cash which i can understand but its not sad. But when an older man is coming on to the subway playing for a few bucks...that pulls at my heartstrings. I wonder what happened in his life that he has to deign to this behavior. Most men his age are hopefully enjoying retirement. But there he is, standing on the subway, with his threadbare suit playing a violin that itself could not have been cheap, trying to pay for dinner.

It definitely makes you think. We have a vision of what our lives will be. We work hard to ensure that we have a safe,secure future. No one likes to think that one day that he could be begging for money on the subway. It is a common thread in the motivation of most of the world's millionaires..they were poor when they were young and they vowed they would never be like that again. So they work. They dream. They work hard to protect themselves and their children from a life they never want to experience again.

Yet, millionaires become paupers. It is the wheel of Fortune. The Wheel turns and where there was once wealth and decadence is now poverty and lacking.

There is a story of a Rav ( i forget who i apologize) who was once giving a speech, during which he emphasized the fact that no matter how successful a person is Hashem can take that away from you in a second. No matter how much effort we put in our lives, it is ultimately in the hands of God. After the speech, a wealthy member of the community came up to the Rav and thanked him for a beautiful shiur. But he had one comment to make " It just is not possible that all my money can disappear in one second. I have accounts in countries all over the world, I have money invested in all sorts of buildings and companies. It just isn't possible!" The Rav responded " who says the money has to disappear? Hashem can take you away from the money. You could have a heart attack and die in a second..and that is it!" All it takes is the blink of the eye.

It is hard not to get discouraged from this kind of talk. Why should I plan if in the end of the day it does not matter? If it can all be gone in a moment why should I bother working so hard?

It is difficult. But we cannot remain complacent. We have to strive. We have to achieve. I just think that it is humbling to see like this man on the subway. He never thought it would come to this. When he was a little boy, this was not what he wanted to be when he grew up. The day he started his violin lessons, he imagined his audience to be in a concert hall, not a moving subway full of people who could not care less.

Question

2011-12-11T10:46:00.001-05:00

Are idealists or realists greater contributors to society?

this was one of the SAT essay questions this year..what are your thoughts?

Matters of the Heart

2011-12-07T09:30:00.001-05:00

The last post got me thinking about the heart on a different level.

We often refer to the heart as the source of our emotions, our spirituality. In essence it is our life source on so many levels.

A defective heart has catastrophic ramifications. Someone who is emotionally stunted will have difficulty with relationships. A spiritually defective heart will have a hard time connecting to G-d, to one's own spirituality. No one needs me to go into the myriad of problems that come about for a person that has a physical defect.

We all do things to make sure we keep "heart healthy." We eat our cheerios, exercise. We carefully guard who we let in and who we don't. Spiritually, the Torah gives us guidelines. What will keep our hearts healthy. Clearly, keeping the mitzvos all 613 of them, maintain the strength of our heart, it allows for us to maintain a relationship with G-d. But there are certain mitzvos we know that define us as Jews. Certain mitzvos, if we did not keep them, it would be like taking a syringe of cholesterol and sticking it straight into your heart, thereby blocking all blood flow to the body.

One of these mitzvos is kosher. Hashem tells us that eating treif is "mitamtem et halev" it blocks the heart. Someone who does not keep kosher has made it extremely difficult to ever connect spirituality. The non-kosher food puts a blockade around the heart making it difficult, not impossible, but extremely difficult for any inspiration, holiness or connection to penetrate the fortress that has been put up.

Yesterday in class a girl was eating pretzels and offered me one. There was no bag but I asked her what brand it was..she didn't know. Since there was no box present there was no checking. She told me "I'm sure its kosher. you want?" I said thanks..but when in doubt do without.

Kashrus is not something to mess with. We face enough spiritual challenges as it is. The world is filled with enough darkness and impurity as it is. My challenges that i bring on my own, too numerous to count. But keeping my heart healthy? That is not something I want to mess with. If i keep my heart strong then I have a fighting chance against Manhattan. So I choose to eat right.

I am strong...

2011-12-05T11:42:00.001-05:00

I am strong, but hearts are easy to break.

I heard this line recently and I feel like it pretty much summarizes me.
Its not secret that I like being strong. I work on my biceps. I push myself. Strength is important to me. And not just physical strength. I like to thing that I have strength in my principles and beliefs. I hope that I am a strong friend to those who depend on me.

Yet, when it comes to my heart...that's a different story. The heartbreak does not refer to the one and done dates. Not even the three and done. When it comes to dating I can be very cynical despite the fact that I am a hopeless romantic. Ironic I know. I don't let them in, because with guys.. you just never know. The likelihood that this relationship is going to last is pretty slim. So I don't worry about my heart being broken then, because I am strong and I will not let it.

The issue arises when it comes to friends. The likelihood that a friendship is going to last is tenfold to that of a date. So I open up my heart. I let my friends in. I open myself to the possibility that this will last, that we will be friends, that you will be there for me like you say you will.

But then when a friendship disappoints me, when it behaves in a way that I did not expect, that is when I start to bleed. Because no matter how strong I am, the heart is a sensitive organ. It is delicate and powerful. You don't mess with the heart. The heart is protected with many layers ( as is the brain for the very same reason.)You can only allow sterile equipment enter. You cannot guess with the heart. A cut in the leg in sad but not lethal. One simple technical difficulty with the heart....It could mean game over forever.

So yes, I am strong...but if i let you in..my heart is easy to break.

Mistakes

2011-12-01T09:30:00.001-05:00

I like making my own choices.

I like being in control of my life.

I like calling the shots

I feel powerless

and I don't like it

Recently I had to make a difficult decision. But before I could even make the choice, it was made for me. It devastated me. The truth is I probably would have come to the same conclusion and ultimately made the right choice. But the opportunity was stolen from me.

It is important to make your own mistakes.The most powerful lessons are the ones we bring upon ourselves. I have had people give me advice and they always say "learn from my mistakes, so you don't make them also." Its very kind. I appreciate the advice. But the message does not resonate with me as well as when I make the mistake. My parents told me repeatedly not to speed...it never sunk in. I got a ticket. Now I am terrified to go more than ten miles over.

Decisions are ours to make. Mistakes are ours to make. They are a rite of passage. We would never grow or change if we did not make our own mistakes. We can listen to advice all day long. We should learn from others. "ayzeh hoo chacham halomed mekol adam." Who is wise, one who learns from everyone.

I still like making my own choices. I like knowing that I can at least decide about my life what I will do, who I will marry, where I go for shabbat, which friends I keep, how I spend my time. These are things that are important to my sense of self. Others will try to help. They offer advice. They want what is best for me. They think they know me. But no one knows you as well as you know yourself. So as much as they try and help. As much as they say they do x,y,and z because they want what is best for you, sometimes it just doesn't cut it. Sometimes you have to follow your own heart. Follow your own beliefs.

Is there anyone who you listen to unequivocally? Do you prefer to make your own mistakes or learn from others?

What is greatness?

2011-11-08T11:50:00.001-05:00

In the immortal words of Shakespeare

"some people are born great

some achieve greatness

and others have greatness thrust upon them"

We are often told that nothing great comes easily. But is that true? Some people have a higher affinity for greatness. They are born on a higher spiritual plateau. Yes they must achieve greatness on their own level.. But they do have it easier. They don't have the distractions. They don't have the temptations. Some have never been exposed to the tantalizing treats that float right in front of most of us.

The question is what is greatness? Is there a global standard or is it more personal?

There are certain standards that we maintain for someone to be considered a "גדול״ " among the Jewish people. But those standards don't withstand the test of time. Every generation is different. The gedolim we have now pale on comparison on an objective scale to those 100 years ago. Yet, for us they are great. We are obligated to see them as such. The people get what they deserve.

Greatness is elusive to most of us. I had a teacher say that the moment we decide to live our lives beyond average; the moment we decide that mediocrity is simply not enough- that is when we have begun being great.

Great means going beyond ourselves. Greatness means pushing ourselves beyond what's comfortable and going the cliche extra mile.

Greatness does not come on it's own. It only comes with a conscious decision that this is not good enough. It comes with the realization that there is more than simply surviving from day to day.

Yet, sometimes just surviving and not giving in is great! Sometimes the fact that we manage to drag ourselves out of bed, change from our pajamas and face the day with even an inkling of hope: is greatness.

So what about Shakespeare? What about those who are born great? They have a lot to do in this world. Those who are born on a higher plateau need to work hard to go even higher. They have to purify the minutiae of their lives. They may be born great but they have a lot of hard work still to do.

I think that most of us fall into the category of having greatness thrust upon us. The day to day struggles, the tests, the battles and the fears of this life... Are hand crafted to make ME great. Most of us have a lot of work to do in this world.

G-d gives us the guidelines and the tools. He gives us the instructors and the circumstances that are tailor fit to make each and every one of us great.

But those tools only have their desired affect if we recognize that we have them. Only once we stop seeing our challenges as obstacles and see them for the stepping stones they are...do we have even a glimmer of hope of attaining any of our greatness!

What do you think is greatness? How would you define it? Can one person be objectively greater than another?

Natural

2011-10-26T23:07:00.002-04:00

Life is natural. Actually to be more correct death is natural. Every minute live is another minute we are dying. Every breathe takes us further from our birth and closer to our death. It's not morbid. It's true. I was just sitting on the train. Nature is always going towards chaos. Towards degradation. We spend all our lives fighting nature. We fly. We drive. We take medicine. We exercise. All these things are not natural. It's not natural for a human being to get an infection. It's natural course should lead to death. It's not natural for a person to survive cancer. Radiating our bodies isn't natural. Drawing blood, sticking in needles filled with all sorts of things isn't natural. But we do it to keep ourselves alive. We fight nature everyday! We make millions of choices that defy nature.

So then why is it that people use the term "natural" as a positive. Why do we rush to use natural products? In a lot of places, people die because they drink the water that is available to them naturally. But people extol all things natural. Ask people why they aren't embarrassed at nudist colonies- it's natural. Natural is beautiful.

Nature is chaos! I started all this because I was thinking- how does a person become foul mouthed? At what point in their lives do they decide that they want to use crass unrefined language? Do they make an active decision to use four letter adjectives? At what point does one decide that I'd rather not use the words I hear around me? Are they both achieve choices! Conscious decisions?

I think and tell me if you agree...I think speaking in a refined manner is a more active choice. I think that after watching TV and movies one's entire life, being involve in society and in the media... It is only natural to think and talk in a certain way. Humans are highly adaptable. We adapt to our environment. So if the environment is allowing and even condoning a certain mode of speech, then it is only natural that we should follow.

But, we can choose! We can choose not to follow the tide. I think the active decision, the bocher, will at a certain point decide that this is not how I want to speak. This is not the way I want to sound. These words will not be in my vocabulary. But it cannot be a one time decision. It is a constant decision. To a certain extend, much to my dismay, these words creep into our subconscious. Before you know it that word you swore would never grace your lips...is at the tip of your tongue. It would only e natural to just let it slip out. It's not your fault.. You really tried. But that would be passive. That would be destruction.

If we gave into every temptation. We'd be destroyed. Natural is taking the path of least resistance. It's not natural to work. But just imagine if we gave in every time. If we followed every whim without very challenging ourselves. Is that the kind of person I want to be?

So in this organic natural obsessed world. I'm taking a stand. I'm choosing to fight my nature. I'm going to battle back. Adam leumal yolad. I hope to keep fighting nature till I give in to the most natural thing of all- death

Anon

2011-10-06T22:00:00.000-04:00

Anonymous

What does that mean?

Most of us out here in the blogosphere are anonymous and we cherish that anonymity.
It allows us to express ourselves in a forum without fear of being judged or criticized.
But at the same time we have all developed personas. We like to think we " know" each other. After all blogs can get personal at times. We learn about each others struggles, our fears, our pains. We learn about senses of humor and interests.

But how different are our real identities and our real lives different?
We all have the anonymous bit of ourselves that we keep under wraps. We have a persona that we choose to display to the world. We take on a personality and go with it. We are loathe to step beyond the boundaries that we have set for ourselves. There are the few that we may choose to display our raw emotions to.. But on the whole.. We are generally keeping up appearances. Our face is reshut harabim and as such we try to keep a smile on our face and grin and bear it in public till we can get home...

Anonymity is a funny thing. Most of the day, your pretty anonymous. Taking the train is the most fascinating experience. Hundreds of people standing together ( only the lucky ones get to sit) for long periods or short periods of time. Each one has a story, a family, a loved one, a home... But at that moment.. They are anonymous they could say whatever they want you'll never see them again who cares if u judge them .. They don't know you and you don't know them.

Walk down any street in Manhattan..
Thousands of anonymous people.
In certain circles I'm sure they have names likes and dislikes but at that exact moment when you walking past them ... Completely anonymous

Many people thrive on the anonymity. They prefer others not to know who the are. They wear the clothes they know will allow them to fit in. They know exactly what to say and what to do so that they will never be questioned. There are no screaming signs of rebelliousness. There are landmarks saying this person is in the dark and in danger. We are fooled by their anonymity.

It's so easy to get lost in the anonymous when we don't have anyone caring for you or anyone for u to care abt. We have to make sure that we don't become anonymous to ourselves. We have to make sure that no matter how anonymous we are "out there" we know who we are. Its vital that we know ourselves. The real us. Yea, anonymity is great..but its not real, its not us.

It's Not Easy

2011-10-05T23:36:00.000-04:00

Things tend to play out differently then you expected. Life is funny like that. We have these dreams and ideas of what will be.
We think we know ...
Exactly what kind of person we want to marry
What kind of person we want to be when we grow up
Where we want to live
How we want to live

We have dreams and aspirations of what the future holds. Its good. We should aspire. We should dream. We need to have some kind of road map.

But happens on those days when you just feel lost? What happens to those days when the floor just falls out from underneath you? Those days when you realize that this is not the life i dreamed for myself. How did I get here? Where ever here may be...

Sometimes we get to the place we've always wanted to get to..and we just can't believe that we made it here! How in heaven's name did this actually happen?Sometimes we are plagued with self doubt. I always said this is what I want to do..can i really do it? Am I good enough?Is everyone else better than me? Is this a cruel joke? Really..one day they are going to call me into the office and tell me they made a mistake and actually..actually we really don't want you here..

Ever feel like that?

Ever feel like this just cannot be it! This cannot be what I was wishing for..because it definitely doesn't feel dreamy. I hate feeling like this. This pit in my stomach that just wont go away. The pit that tells me that I'm failing. I'm not good enough. The pit the just gets deeper because each passing day it gets worse. They say all beginnings are hard. Granted. But isn't supposed to get better? Isn't it supposed to become more comfortable? More Natural?

Ever have the feeling that I can't believe I'm going down this road AGAIN! How could that be? I fought this battle ... I won this war..why is He testing me again!? It was murder the first time around. I'm out of practice and I just don't have the energy to train again. I cannot muster the strength to fight it again. Its so much easier to just give in. It is so much easier to let things go..just go with the flow...

But I CANT! I can't go with the flow. Because I have this pit in my stomach. I have this pit telling me that this is going no where good and if I know what's right..I'll run..run fast ...in the opposite direction.

But where to get the vigor to push through this fog? Who will hold my hand while I try to figure it out? My normal resources have been used up. The ones i relied on till now are just not there. So where do I turn?

I know the right answer. I've said it so many times. I should turn to Hashem. He's there . He'll hold my hand. But honestly..I'm not there. I wish I was. I'm not. Sometimes it takes things time to travel from your head to your heart. This one is taking its time hanging out in my head. Maybe because I don't want to let it come in. Maybe I am doing things that wont let it in. It may be entirely my own fault. My own actions may be keeping this one thing that would save me such tzaros into my heart.

I don't know. I used to know things. I used to be confident in my knowledge. But the self doubt has always been there. Always lingering in the shadows. I've learned to suppress it. But it lurks..waiting for moments like this.. hours...days..weeks..like this. And then....then when it knows I'm at my weakest...it pounces..

These feelings of self doubt and exhaustion are the work of the Yetzer Hara. He doesn't make it any easier to get through the dark patches. He blows out the match as soon as we manage to light it. He makes it seem impossible to get beyond the hell that is now. That's his job. If we are busy drowning in our sorrows..we wont be paying attention to silly things like growth and repentance. We won't be taking advantage of the fact that we have a tremendous chance in these few days to turn ourselves and our year around. We are far too busy feeling sorry for ourselves to do anything real.

So now..for now at least for tonight...I will nurse my aching soul with some coffee and music...maybe some studying..

All we can do is take it day by day. All we can do is make this the best hour that i can..and eventually...it will be the best year we can have..

Be blessed

Daily Halacha

2011-10-04T10:42:00.000-04:00

In today's techonology savvy world it is all too common to do all our pre-RH pre-YK wishes via Text, Chat, Fb etc..

Thats why I thought today's halacha was important to share. Especially for all of us in the blogger world.

The Rabbi Jacob S. Kassin Memorial Halacha Series
Authored by Rabbi Eli J. Mansour (10/4/2011)

To dedicate Daily Halacha for a day please click here. Thank you.
http://www.dailyhalacha.com/sponsorship.aspx

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Description: Yom Kippur – Asking Forgiveness From One’s Fellow by Phone, Fax, E-mail or Texting

The Yom Kippur observance earns atonement for sins that one commits “Ben Adam La’Makom” – meaning, against only God. When it comes to sins committed against a fellow Jew – “Ben Adam La’habero” – the Yom Kippur observance does not suffice. One must also approach his friend and ask for his forgiveness. This includes cases where one harmed his fellow financially, insulted him verbally, or otherwise wronged him. In all such situations, it is necessary to not only repent, but also to approach the victim before Yom Kippur and ask forgiveness.

The Ribebot Efrayim (Rav Efrayim Greenblat of Memphis, contemporary) addresses the question of whether one fulfills this obligation by requesting forgiveness via telephone. On the one hand, expressing an apology by phone involves direct communication, as opposed to a written apology, but on the other hand, apologizing by phone does not involve the same degree of shame as apologizing in person. A major component of the requirement to apologize is for the perpetrator to feel subdued and ashamed, besides actually earning forgiveness, and this sense of shame is not experienced via telephone to the same extent as through a personal apology. The Ribebot Efrayim rules that one satisfies the requirement of asking forgiveness by apologizing by phone, though it is certainly preferable to approach the victim in person to apologize.

Apologizing by writing a letter, however, does not suffice, because one cannot ascertain that the victim received the letter and granted forgiveness. By the same token, Rabbi Bitan (contemporary) writes (p. 310; listen to audio recording for precise citation) that one does fulfill the requirement by sending an apology by fax, email or SMS. He writes that these media are even less personal than ordinary letter-writing, and thus apologizing in this fashion does not fulfill the obligation of asking forgiveness.

If a person spoke Lashon Ha’ra (negative speech) about his fellow, but his fellow never heard about what was spoken, he should not tell him what he said. In such a case, one should request forgiveness by saying something to the effect of, “Do you forgive me for anything I might have done?” without specifying the content of what was said. If he would inform his fellow of what he said, this would likely ignite tensions between them, which is, of course, the precise opposite of the intent behind the requirement to apologize.

Summary: One is obligated to request forgiveness before Yom Kippur from anyone he had wronged. It is preferable to apologize in person, rather than by telephone, but one fulfills the obligation if he apologizes by telephone. One does not, however, fulfill the obligation if he apologizes through indirect media, such as fax, email or SMS.

Does He Really Care?

2011-10-02T11:21:00.001-04:00

No Membership Required

2011-09-26T23:59:00.000-04:00

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Some days

2011-09-26T20:36:00.003-04:00

He's Waiting

2011-09-26T13:56:00.000-04:00

I never thought I would be lonely. There have been rare occasions in my life until now that I have experienced such a sense of loneliness. There is no one to talk to when I get home at night. I can't call my parents and complain about how hard it is because they'll just take it harder than me and feel worse that I am so far away from home.

There is no one to give me a hug when I'm down. There is no one to make me dinner when I'm just too tired to cook. There are no left overs in the fridge to just grab. There is no one around to bounce ideas off. There is no one to ask if my outfit looks good. These shoes or these? No one to offer solicited or unsolicited advice. There is no one to practice blood pressure on. No one's eyes I can look into with my ophthalmoscope.

I never felt the need for Facebook till now. I considered it for a second, should I sign back in? That tells you how desperate I've been for some sense of social interaction. I spend all day studying and then its off to class for a few hours and then I'm back home..my roommate is already sleeping. I call my family and wish them a good night...and that's that.

Being alone brings down your inhibitions. There is no peer pressure. No annoying little sister to ask you if your really going to have another piece of cake!? Are you really going to watch that? I thought you stopped that?! It also makes you incredibly selfish. I don't help anyone get ready for shabbat. I just kinda rock up a few hours before the Holy Day make myself pretty..and that's it. Nothing more. I only take care of myself. There is no one to discuss the day with. No one to complain to how frustrating the professor is..or how creepy that guy on the train was...

Loneliness is not a good feeling.

Last night I went to Avinu Malkeinu. It was a great event. Fabulous speakers

Rabbi Reisman said something really powerful that I have heard before. I have even blogged about it. It was so apropos because I was planning on writing this post for a while and Hashem gave me the answer last night.

There is never any reason to feel alone. We are never alone. Any believing Jew who believes in the Omnipresence of the Almighty, our dear Father in Heaven, knows that he is always with us. Always. He is always ready to hear our sorrows. He is always there to listen to us complain about the test that just was not fair. He is also there to hear about the good days. He wants to hear our jubilation on doing well on that murder test. He wants to hear it all. We just have to let Him in. We have to make Him part of our lives.

Now, I cannot take G-d's blood pressure or His pulse ( i am going to find real humans to practice on..please everyone volunteer) and we do need human interactions. We are not meant to be alone. We do have so many halachot that deal with bein adam lechaveiro exactly for this reason..We need people. One day..I'll find some..but for now..its comforting to know that I can talk to Him anytime of day. There is no time difference. He does not go to sleep..ever!He works on our time. He is ready. He is never too busy. He is waiting by the phone..waiting for me to call.

Do you really want to keep the Master of the World waiting?

To Study or Not to Study?

2011-09-23T13:39:00.000-04:00

I love Friday. I love the feeling that Shabbat is coming. Shabbos is a day like no other.. and that means that erev Shabbat is by association just as special.

About a year and a half a go...maybe longer...I started buying flowers "lekavod shabbat kodesh!"
In seminary, Rabbi Geisler told us something that really stuck with me. He said that he does not buy his wife flowers on Friday. He and his wife go and buy flowers for Shabbat together.

Rav Shimshon Pincus, in his sefer on Shabbat, also talks about flowers. He says that he went to the store to buy flowers for Shabbat. He went to the roses. Only the best for Shabbat. Only the best for the Queen. But he couldn't decide how many to get. A dozen. two dozen..there is no value for Shabbat. Maybe he should just buy them all? In the end he bought three roses; one for each of the avot, which in turn correspond to the three meals of Shabbat.

The greatness of Shabbat is often ignored, trampled on. R'Pincus explains that all too often Shabbat is the most spiritually deficient day of the week. During the week, the learner has his sedarim. The earner has his daf yomi, he goes to shul and makes his time for his shuirim and throughout the day he is following the various halachot that pertain to his business. But comes Shabbat..everything changes.

The scene is all too familiar. Friday night, we rush through shalom aliechem and Kiddush to get to the meal because we are starving! As soon as the meal is over..everyone stumbles into bed, its been a really hard week after all. Shabbat morning, he's lucky if he makes it to shul in time for Baruch She'amar. ( i know that personally i often wake up too late to even go to shul.) Again, after the heavy food, cholent, no one can hold his head up. So off to bed we go. When we do wake up, its reading Mishpacha at best, homework or a novel at worst. Back to shul. Mincha, seudat shlishi, and Tada the holiest day of the week -GONE.

Shabbat is one thing that I am supremely passionate about. Even as a high school student, even in seminary, I refused to study on Shabbat. I just could never understand it. This is Shabbat. This is the day when we are in the Yichud room with Hashem. It is the one day we get to put away all our work and bask in the glory of the day..and what is everyone doing? Planning what they will be doing Motzai Shabbat, studying for the test on Monday so they can go out on Sunday...It just makes me seethe.

Even now, in PA school. I was talking to a few frum people in my class. They were saying how Shabat was the best day of the week to study. I honestly had to control myself from exploding right there into a mussar shmuess about the kedusha of Shabbat! How could you do that?! ITS SHABBAT! ITS A GIFT! All our work is supposed to be done. Today is the day we are to sit with Hashem and gain all that we can. Any spirituality, any physicality, anything we get during the week comes from Shabbat. You are going to squander that special time studying BIOCHEM!!! Learn a sefer you cant during the week! Say a little more tehilim. Sing a few more zemirot!

I told him, that I point blank refuse to study on Shabbat. He tells me that if I plan on doing well in this program that I'm going to have to.

I don't think I will fail out because I refuse to study on the day of Kedusha. Besides the fact its highly inappropriate, there is an issur of hachana. i think so. I have not asked my rav yet..so i dont have a Psak yet. But for now I'm holding out.

So what about you?
Do you study on shabbat? How do you feel about it? D o you think I'm wrong?

Cheshbon Hanefesh

2011-09-20T22:56:00.002-04:00

I don't think I would've done it any better.
This is the time of year where give an exact accounting for all our moments, all our actions, all our words.

This is a great list of questions compiled by Shocked! to help us lead the way.

Avinu Malkeinu

2011-09-20T21:02:00.004-04:00

With the ימים נוראים fast approaching, we are no doubt seeking additional inspiration and there are many wonderful opportunities to gain חיזוק thanks to a plethora of special Teshuvah events in our communities. One notable event that I'd like to recommend is The Ohr Na'ava Avinu Malkeinu campaign which will take place this Sunday, Sept. 25th in Brooklyn, NY, at Brooklyn College, Whitman Hall.

To view a short video advertisement of this event, click here.

For live stream of the event, click here

Thousands of women will gather together to daven and to be inspired by an outstanding group of inspiring speakers, including:

o Harav Shmuel Kamenetsky שליט"א

o Rabbi Yisroel Reisman

o Rabbi Zechariah Wallerstein

o Rabbi Eli Mansour

o Mr. Charlie Harary

I know I am going to try to be there.

4 Letter Word

2011-09-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

Elul is such a scary time. Every year it creeps up on me. I have no idea how its Elul already. I have no idea where the time went.

During Elul, I start being hyper critical of myself. How could I not be learning? How could I miss davening? its ELUL! but it happens. We are still human during this month. We do not magically transform into super-people on Rosh Chodesh as much as we would like to.

I'm in college again. I'm sitting in a room full of people I would not necessarily pick to be my friends hour after hour, day after day. The influences are not the greatest. But I cannot help it. I cannot force them to use cleaner language. I cannot force them not to make dirty jokes. I cannot change any of those things.

When I was in college at home, it didn't seem to be such a problem. Maybe I didn't spend as much time with the people in my classes. Maybe people in the south are just more polite. I don't know.

All I know is that I have all these 4 letter words running through my head. When I get upset or if something doesn't work the way I would have liked it...the first word that pops into my head is not one that I would ever ever ever say..well maybe during labor...but i sincerely hope that those words never cross my lips.

I was talking to my friend this past shabbat. She was telling me that apparently it has become considered "yeshivish" to say words...that aren't curse words...but not exactly befitting a ben torah. Once things become "yeshivish" then it has the stamp of approval and there is no problems. No one can touch it. Smoking is yeshivish..nivul peh..yeshivish..snobbiness..yeshivish. No one can change it.

I just don't understand how these things are allowed. How do Roshei Yeshiva, parents..mentors, role models...how does this epidemic of nivul peh spread? It used to be a sign of being low class.. The scum talk like that. Not professors in universities..not the Chosen People. We have let all sense of self disappear. We may be more educated or better dressed..but when people talk like this..how much better are we than the bums who cannot put two inoffensive words together.

Our speech is sacred. Its how we pray. Its how we communicate with the Almighty. Its our only defense. The only tool in our arsenal. When we squander it.When we devalue it..how can we expect it to hold the same weight in court. In a few short weeks we will be standing before the true Judge. We will be simultaneously be crowning Him King and begging for a good judgement. Asking to be given another year of life.

But..when choose to destroy our only defense mechanism..what hope do we have?

So I propose..for the duration of this holy month..we watch how we say what it is that we want to say. I propose that we should think twice before letting a few choice expletives come out. Even if we don't use these words..perhaps if we add a sense of refinement to our language...perhaps we will start acting more refined.. People go on and on about the sin of Lashon Hara and no disagreement here about how important it is..but i think in all that we forget that even if the content is fine..perhaps the manner we say it isn't.

So that is my proposal dear readers..what say you?
and just because you stuck it out to the end of the post..here's a video...very powerful..lets not make excuses this Elul.

disclaimer-I am in no means saying that all yeshivish people use nivul peh..just that it has become more accepted and that is what i have heard.

Rosh Hashana Rock

2011-09-13T12:56:00.000-04:00

....in preparation for the upcoming High Holidays.

So..njoy..tell me what you think.

Dirtier to Get Cleaner

2011-09-08T20:14:00.001-04:00

"If you want to catch beasts you don't see every day,
You have to go places quite out of the way,
You have to go places no others can get to.
You have to get cold and you have too get wet, too."
— Dr. Seuss

I think this is very applicable now in the days of Elul.

If we want to fight the Yetzer Hara you have to go look in places that are not comfortable. It gonna take us into the deepest and darkest part of us. Places that we have locked up eons ago..determined to forget. But they don't go away. They just stew. They simmer and eventually it may boil over.

This is a fight that we have to do. No one can do it for you. We can ask for advice, but no one is going to go into your deep, dank and dark cellar and fight the fight for you.

Its not comfortable. Its not easy. There is a reason that we have stored it away for so long. There is a reason that it has been under lock and key for years on end.

We have to get cold and wet. There may be tears. We may need to get our hands dirty and deal with our skeletons. Once we do that. Then we can emerge from the depths cleaner, brighter, lighter.

"Today is your day, your mountain is waiting. So get on your way."
— Dr. Seuss

Good Doc

2011-09-08T19:50:00.002-04:00

"Things may happen and often do to people as brainy and footsy as you"
— Dr. Seuss (Oh, the Places You'll Go!)

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities."
— Dr. Seuss

Guest Post

2011-09-06T19:07:00.003-04:00

I am honored to have Nechama Ralsk, the author of Words From The Soul guest post. So show your love by commenting, leaving feedback...you know what to do..

Words

you say them without thinking,

not aimed to wound the heart,

but simply unfiltered,

you didn't mean it,

regretted it rather quickly,

but it was just a joke,

after all,

right?

they laugh right along with you,

but they are crying inside,

words once thrown away,

can never be retrieved.

On a separate note-

would you rather say something and regret it? or regret not saying something you should have?

What will you do?

2011-09-04T16:46:00.001-04:00

Free Music

2011-09-04T14:55:00.003-04:00

Jewpon has a free 11.99 download from Mostly Music

all you have to do is "like' mostly music on FB and you'll get the code

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happy downloading!

Pride

2011-09-01T10:07:00.000-04:00

The ego is a fragile thing.

A blow to the ego is just that..a blow and it hurts.

It can be the most seemingly insignificant thing. Objectively, really its not that important. If we were detached, it would not matter. But we aren't so it does.

If you think about it, things that hurt us the most is when our pride is slighted. I didn't get invited. I didn't make the grade. She didn't call me back. He said no.

Its the moments when we are hit with the harsh reality that we are not good enough. I didn't study hard enough. I was not pretty enough. Not interesting enough.

Of course, how we view "reality" may not be the truth at all. When we are down, the yetzer hara pounces. It exacerbates everything. It turns everything in your head. You see yourself as this unloved victim. If they really loved me, if i was really worth anything, this would not have happened.

We all get in these "moods" when all we want to do is sulk. We cannot move beyond the despondency of the moment. So we start to think about every unpleasant thought you've stored away and the image gets progressively dimmer.

These moments pass. We get through the dark to the light of tomorrow.

The thing that I have found most useful is at those moments when you feel the most lonely. Through the darkest moments when it seems that you are the low of the low and no one cares...Hashem does.

Its those moments that are so defining in our relationship with our Father.If don't reach through the pain and connect with Him then when will we connect? When will we develop this seminal relationship?

I cannot believe that Elul is here already. We have a few short days before the day of Judgment. If we take the time now to talk to Him, to engage Him in our lives..then come judgment day, we are not standing in front of a harsh Judge rather we are sitting with our kindly Father who knows our struggles, who has been our confidante. He knows the pain we've been through. He knows how much we tried before we failed. He knows because we told Him. and that, that, makes all the difference.

Wishing you an inspirational Elul.

Vanity

2011-08-29T13:24:00.000-04:00

The Shul Without a Clock..

The Room Without a Mirror...

My room does not have a mirror. Its strange. I have always had a mirror. My room at home has huge mirror, almost the size of the whole wall. I even bought a mirror for my new apartment. But last Thursday, it fell off the wall. That's right, my $4 mirror from Target which I so lovingly picked for my room..it matched my linen and everything..shattered! It got sent out with the banana peels and egg shells.

My life has been a whirlwind since moving. new state. new mode of transport ( no car for me here). I have to make my own lunch and dinner. If I don't buy groceries there is no food. no clean clothes if i don't do laundry. The earthquake, the hurricane..the weirdos on the subway..its cultural overload. It mostly has been OK. I'm taking it day my day. BH, so far so good. but then that darn mirror had to go and fall.

There is some debate among my dearest and nearest whether I am girly or not. But despite all arguments either way, I need my full length mirror. Frankly, the bathroom mirror is too high. I can barely see my head, let alone my outfit, and how the shoes look with the outfit. Hows a girl supposed to live like that? How I am to date? :P

Its funny cuz I oft wonder how much of the day we spend looking at ourselves. When you walk by a car, a dark shop window, when you go to the bathroom. How many times a day do we make sure that our hair is just so, the make up is not running..the shirt collar is right? How many minutes of the day are spent analyzing the details of our appearance?

So for now..I am mirror-less. I will soon get a new one. But for now I am reveling in my ability to walk in and out of my room without wondering what I look like. Its freeing really. So I am disconnecting from my vanity. For now anyways.

what about you? do you find yourself looking at your appearance too many times a day? what would you do if you had a room without a mirror? would it bother you? Am I making too big of a deal?

Keep Swimming

2011-08-12T11:09:00.000-04:00

I never worked really hard in elementary, middle or high school. I did well..I just didn't have to work hard B"H. I loved reading, math came naturally. My only subject that I had any difficulty was English. I blame that on the fact that I have immigrant parents and no one ever corrected my essays for me. :P College obviously required that I up my game a little. I'm pretty sure PA school is gonna kick my behind if I don't get my act together and start studying in advance.

My sister is different. She is vastly talented in other areas. School is a four letter word in her vocabulary. She does not enjoy any of it. She doesn't like being involved in school events, does not like most of the classes. It frankly stresses her out. She cannot fathom why I would read for leisure. "its ridiculous-its called summer VACATION for a reason!' Reading is enjoyable for me. It is not difficult. For her, it takes considerable effort. She reads one chapter, looks up words on Dictionary.com and reads the review on Pink Monkey all so that she can understand the pashut pshat of the book.

I watch her in awe. I don't think i could ever devote that much attention and diligence to one book. In the time that it takes her to trudge through one book, I've done about five. She tells me that if that is what I had to do, I'd do it too. However, I am not convinced. I hope that I will.

The most challenging class I have taken thus far is Organic Chemistry. Some people are chem people, others are biology people. I fall into the latter category. I struggled through the class. I stayed up all night trying to absorb the information. Learning reactions and memorizing and memorizing and more memorizing. Suffice to say..it was hard but still...i don't think i ever worked as hard as my sister does on everything!

Its inspirational to me. Everyone has their talents. We all have our strengths. But we also all have our challenges. Staying spiritual afloat in this world is a constant battle, for everyone. Its not something that you can pull an all nighter for and be done with it. It requires constant zehirut, vigilance making sure that we don't fail today.

So do I have what it takes to keep fighting? To keep battling day after day? Doesn't it get exhausting?
What can we do to strengthen our stamina? Will coffee help in this case? (who are we kidding? coffee is a necessity! ;))

MUST WATCH

2011-08-09T21:04:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Feisty for the link.

today we mourned a physical loss but we also need to mourn the spiritual loss that is never ending. We are going through the worst spiritual holocaust the world has ever see.

http://www.wejew.com/media/367/From_the_Ashes/

we need to act. we need to think. we need to spread the word.

Repost - Cry as We Might

2011-08-08T19:06:00.001-04:00

Tonight is the night. The saddest night of the year. Three weeks of progressively deeper levels of mourning culminate tonight. The night if T'sha B'av. We will sit on the floor and listen to Eicha being read. We will sit in darkness without smiling to our friends. Tonight we cry for we are sitting in a house of mourning. We are grieving the loss of something great. We are bemoaning the galus that we are on. The Galut that we perpetuate every year for the lack of ahavat chinam. We mourn the galut that the shechina is in, the loss of spirituality that has engulfed the world. We mourn the loss of the jewish souls, the assimilation rate that grows higher and higher every year.

The loss is great, the sadness palpable, yet for some reason the tears don't come. We're told that this is the saddest day of the year. This is the day we mourn for all the tragedies that ever were bestowed upon Klal Yisrael. This is the day to cry. However, try as we might the tears don't come. For all the sadness that we feel, the last jodi picoult book you read probably evoked more emotion. Intellectually we know that we are supposed to cry, feel the pain and we've been trying to get "in the mood" for three weeks now. but somehow this isn't enough. there is a Capella music to be listened to , heavenly salmon dished you've been meaning to try..we get around it. Some people actually enjoy the break from meat as they get to experiment with whole arrays of dairy delicacies. But this is not the point, and this will not lead us to a genuinely mournful state come T'sha B'av.

A friend recently shared this R'Aryeh Kaplan with me and its a great mashal i think. One walks into a shiva house. Father has passed away, left a large family and a young widow behind. There are tears all around. He was a respected member of the community, greatly loved by all. All who come speak in hushed tones, most on the verge of tears. The widow-inconsolable. Spotlight shifts to the youngest of the klan. He is sitting in the corner happily playing with the Lego's that his daddy had bought him. He knows that something not so happy has happened but hes not so sure what. All he knows is that he is happy where he is doing what hes doing. He cannot seem to understand why is everyone looking at him like that? Why are they all so sad? but he dismisses the thought faster than it appears and he is back to the world of make believe and he is happy.

we are that child, try as we might we cannot fathom what the loss of the spiritual epicenter of the world means. we have no idea of the majesty the Beit Hamikdash held. We don't have an inkling of what it means to live in kedusha, to daily feel the Shechina, what it means to go to the Navi to ask advice (is he my bashert?) That world is so removed from us that we cannot relate as much as we'd like to and as much as we strive to. Much like the three year old, he knows that its seems like he should be sad..but he has his toys; he is happy. now try and take away the toys from the little one, just try to take away one Lego..oh the tears oh the wails that will emanate from his little body, for that emptiness he feels!

we all have sadness in our lives. people who leave us, tests we fail, jobs we lose. The frustration at failing though you have given it your best. we have all experienced some sort of void or another. we all have times when we miss something so badly it hurts. Nebach a parent who loses a child, a child who loses a parent ( we should never know of it) the pain is unbearable. The void is too great. with anything, when there is an emptiness the only way to overcome it is to fill the void or you will never move on. it is a coping mechanism. so we do, we fill the void however much we don't want to, and eventually move on. we often stop and wistfully remember the past, yet we have made it exactly that-the past, not the present and definitely not the future.

our mission tonight is too feel the void, endure what it feels like to have emptiness. We need to remember what it feels like to be incomplete. Hashem is mourning the loss of His children. He is crying for the void. We must summon up those feelings of pain and loneliness and then maybe just maybe we may begin to feel the pain of the day!

Don't Shoot the Messenger

2011-08-08T06:53:00.000-04:00

So here is the chiddush I learned this Shabbat. It was really exciting

So we all know that the first Beit Hamikdash was destroyed because we transgressed the three cardinal sins; adultery, idolatry, and murder. The second was destroyed due to sinat chinam. That's not the chiddush, If you think about it for a moment. Does it make sense? We served idols, had affairs and murdered..Hashem forgave us and gave us the Beit Hamikdash 70 years later, but Sinat Chinam..thats what is keeping us in Galut?!! If you think about it it really doesn't make any sense.

So here's the chiddush.
Sinat Chinam is typically translated as baseless hatred, which I always thought meant not liking someone for no reason. We all have that one person that rubs us the wrong way. You cannot point your finger on it, they never did anything to you but you just don't like them. That's what I always thought was sinat chinam. This caused me endless grief because here i was guilty of the exact reason the Beit Hamikash was destroyed. What kind of person am I?

But that's not sinat chinam! During the first Beit Hamikdash, we sinned, yes. We served idols, yes. We had desires, we listened to the voice of the yetzer hara. We were not strong. We fell. Multiple times. But at the end of the day, we believed in Hashem. We believed that ultimately everything came from Him. We had emuna.

This was and continues to be the exact problem we have now. We do not have emuna. We have sinat chinam. Sinat Chinam is not disliking someone unnecessarily. It means hating someone for stealing your paranasa, for saying hateful things to you. Sinat Chinam means hating someone because they hurt you. It means forgetting that this person is just a shaliach. It means forgetting that Hashem is the source of your parnassa, sinat chinam means hating someone for no reason, because it is coming from Hashem, not your friend.

When we forget that everything comes from Hashem. When we forget that what happens to us is a divine message. We start looking for external factors to blame. We say he was insane. We say he must have been out of his mind to stab a gadol multiple times. We just quietly and efficiently remove G-d from the picture. This was the problem at Beit Sheini. It is our problem now. This is why we do not have Mashiach and the Beit Hamikdash.

(on a completely side point. So I asked my rav, what about when we just don't like someone? He said that's fine, you do not have to be friends with everyone. So then I said what about the mitzva of ahavat yisrael? So he said there is a difference between liking someone and loving someone. You do not have to be friends with them, but you do have to care for them.)

Working on emuna is a life long battle that we all work on everyday of our lives. But the adage "don't shoot the messenger" was never more true. We need to work on recognizing that things come from Hashem, not people. Calamity comes as a message to us from our loving Father. It would be foolish to get angry at the messenger and completely disregard the message.For otherwise, we we are only asking for a harsher, louder message.

Who wants that?

Lift Up Your Candle

2011-08-01T08:51:00.000-04:00

So I dont't usually make it to shul until the afternoon. But this week, my father insisted on me coming early to hear the Rav's Sermon; he was going to be talking about Leiby Z'"L.

I've avoided talking about it while the blogging world was all aflame about it. I wanted to wait. The truth is there is really nothing to say. There are no explanations we can make. If we do, that is just insulting to his memory and insulting to G-d. Who do we think we are trying to understand the "mind" of the Creator of the world, who Was, Is and Always Will Be, who "sees" past, present, and future simultaneously?

But as humans we need to understand. We have to be able to make it tangible. We need to be able to wrap our heads around it, try to make some sense of it. The alternative is too scary. So we give reasons. With the Itamar Massacre, people tried to make excuses. With the expulsion of Gush Katif, we gave reasons. With the Holocaust even, we had reasons. But this..this.. there is no explanation. We'd like to say the murderer was insane. He must have been. That was my original thought. But no, he is completely rational, clear thinking and definitely not clinically insane.

Clearly this is a wake up call of an enormous magnitude. Itamar didn't do it. Hashem needed to shake us harder to awaken us from our slumber. I pray that we stay awake this time, for we cannot afford to drift into sleepy oblivion again.

But alas, Leiby z"l was not enough. Hashem needed to jolt us one more time. The death of Baba Elazar z"l shocked the world. So unexpected. So wrong. Everything in this world today seems so wrong. What are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to react? What is He trying to tell us?

As Jews we are commanded to be different. We are supposed to talk, walk, and dress differently. As much as we'd like to say that we are different-we're not. We wear the same styles. We eat the same food (kosher crab anyone?) We vacation in the same places. We go to the same schools. We work and workout together. We are supposed to be separate. We are supposed to be Kadosh. We are not.

We cannot change these facts. We cannot change that we dress the same, work together. These are realities of life in the 21st century. We don't live in a ghetto. We are exposed. We eat French, Chinese, Indian, Mexican and Thai food just like them. It used to be there was only a few kinds of kosher wine. Now? The wine list is endless. Every type for every palate. And its OK. This is our life. But we have to be aware of the consequences.

The more we live like them, the more of a spiritual void we create. It is not a punishment; rather it is a simple cause and effect. The more we act like them, the less we act like us, the less kedusha we bring..the more of a void there is.

Specifically with the demise of so many gedolim in such a short period of time, there is a serious spiritual deficit in the world. We need to balance it out. We can eat our sushi and enjoy it too, but we need to learn a little more, take on a little more. Each person needs up to the fill the void in themselves somehow. There is no magic solution. There is no master key.

When the world's spiritual balance is off kilter, things start to go awry. Otherwise normal people dismember innocent children. Beloved rabanim are stabbed to death. These events are not accidents nor are they coincidental. They happen in a specific order.

Our recent losses are a heavy a blow for us to bear. Now with the start of the Nine Days perhaps we can begin to taste a miniscule amount of tzaar Hashem has, that we should be feeling during these days of mourning.

So please, for the sake of Klal Yisrael, start to fill your void. In your world, start to fill the deficit. No single person can make up for the loss of Baba Elazar z"l. When the light bulb goes out, we each need to light a candle. Together, we can light up the world (cliche i know, but so true.)

LOL

2011-07-30T22:56:00.003-04:00

Why do frum Jews only watch movies on airplanes?

Torah lo bashamayim he

Baruch Dayan Emet

2011-07-29T08:24:00.002-04:00

Rav Elazar Abuchatzeira Stabbed To Death [UPDATED 8:03PM EST]

(Thursday, July 28th, 2011)

5:58PM EST: [UPDATES IN EXTENDED ARTICLE] YWN has confirmed that Rav Elazar Abuchatzeira of Be’er Sheva was just Niftar after being stabbed multiple times. United Hatzalah was first on the scene and tell YWN that they found him to be in traumatic arrest, he was pronounced dead a few minutes later.
According to initial reports, someone went into his room during the time when he gave people Brachos, and the man stabbed him multiple times. According to our sources, the man has been arrrested. Some sources say that the attacker was well-known in the ‘inner-circle’ of the home. That has not been confirmed by YWN.
Rav Elazar was the grandson of the Baba Sali ZATZAL, and was known as the “Baba Elazar”. He was the son of Baba Meir Abuchatzeira. He was known for his Shmiras Einayim, and always had his face covered with the “Glima”. He also was very against any photos taken of him, and therefore there are not many available.

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His brothers are Rav Dovid Abuchatzeira Shlita of Nahariya, Rav Yekusiel, Rav Refoel from Ashdod, and Rav Yehosua Rachamim. His sister is married to Rav Chaim Pinto, the Rov of Ashdod and Kiryat Malachi.
He was reportedly 62 years old.
Levaya details will be published when they are available to us.

UPDATE 7:40PM EST: Police have arrested Asher Dahan as the suspected killer. He was reportedly apprehended by family members in the seconds following the murder. Interior Minister Eli Yishai is reportedly at the hospital, and ZAKA announced that police will not do any autopsy.

UPDATE 8:03PM EST: Hagon Chacham Ovadia Yosef Shlita broke down in tears upon hearing the terrible news, and asked for a phone to talk to the family, Kikar reports. He Paskened that the Levaya can take place after Chatzos on Friday.
The Levaya will start in Be’er Sheva, and then proceed to Yeshiva Porat Yosef in Yerushalayim, followed by the Kevura on Har Hazeisim, next to the Kever of his father.
Boruch Dayan Emmes…

Disney Memories

2011-07-29T07:31:00.000-04:00

So I have this weird thing about me. Rather one of the weird things about me is that I remember lines from movies. Movies I watched a million years ago. So yesterday as I was walking out of the gym a line from 101 Dalmatians (the one with actual people) popped into my head.

Roger is a video game maker. He is testing out his game on the "it" kid, the master of all video games. The kid is not impressed, so in trying to see what he could do to make it better..

Roger: What if the villain was more evil, someone you could really hate?
Kid: Its not hatred that's important. Its the desire to annihilate.

This last line was the one that inexplicably popped into my head last night. Now imagine it in an English accent. Its not hatred that's important, its the desire to annihilate.

Now I am obviously not condoning violent behavior. But I was just thinking if this is true and how it applies. Is it enough to hate the Yetzer Hara? Is it enough to loathe a laissez-faire attitude? Or must we feel a need to destroy, annihilate and expunge from the face of the Earth?

I believe that most of us are not exactly comfortable with the power the Yetzer Hara yields over us. Or do we? Have we just accepted that he is part of our lives? Just a matter of course? Since Adam ate from the tree on that fateful day, the yetzer hara went from being an external force to be reckoned with to a voice inside our heads. Our lives are no longer black and white, we live in shades of grey.

It is precisely because of this that I think we are loath to hate and even want to annihilate the evil inclination, for he is a part of us. Wanting to destroy him would mean in a sense wanting to destroy ourselves and that goes against every survival instinct we have.

Yes, when we speak abstractly about "the Yetzer Hara" it is easy to condemn him and his ways. Objectively, its easy to abhor his plans and his plots. Yet, when it comes to ourselves..do we have the hatred? and is the hatred enough or is the desire to annihilate that's important?

Thoughts

2011-07-15T08:52:00.003-04:00

I have too much time to think. Sitting on the subway on the way to school, sitting in traffic, waiting to fall asleep, pretending to do homework..all opportunities to think and sometimes its too much.

We live in an age where distraction is all too easy and all too common. There is a land called Procrastination and I am its queen. I cannot do only one thing at a time. During class, I have my ipod with me, and I'm constantly checking if someone, anyone is online to talk to. When I do homework I have my music playing, maybe a shiur, chatting with someone else at the same time..I'm always looking to do one more thing. Distraction comes all too easily.

They tell us that our generation does not think anymore. We just do. Nike makes a fortune off their motto "just do it."

Sprite tells us to "quench our thirst." There is no room for making a calculated decisions. Do it an do it now! The Yetzer Hara's greatest weapon is too keep us too busy. Busy with mitzvos, busy with work busy with anything in fact.The YH wants us to lead with our bodies, not our minds.

The Mesilat Yesharim, and most mussar works as well talk about the seichel. Man is divided into three "sections" we could say. There is the moach-brain, lev-heart (emotions), Kavaid (physicality). Ideally, a man who is standing upright (think stick figure)

has his head (moach) on top then comes his lev and then his kaveid. This man is a melech (mem, lamed, kaf.) But what happens when this the opposite? What happens when a man leads with his physicality and makes his seichel the last priority- he is a kalaim- he is a nothing.

I recently heard a shiur by R' Itamar Schwartz. He emphasized the importance of emptying the mind. Having "sha'ah shel sheket." He said that we should just sit. No music, no meditation. no thoughts, just sitting and being one with Hashem. This seems like an impossible to task. I need to be doing. I need to be moving. This seems to be a waste of time. But its not. Its a step beyond thinking. This is what we need to do before we go to sleep, before we daven. After we have sat for long enough, the thoughts will eventually run out. Eventually we can still our mind and just be.

It seems that thinking is a good thing. It is one of the things that differentiates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. Animals act on instinct. We do to. We have instincts. Our "neshama" is divided into five levels

nefesh, ruach, neshama, chaya and yechida. I have only ever learned about the first three.

The nefesh is our base desires, eat, drink, pleasure, basic survival.

The ruach is a little more elevated. The ruach is our emotions, our passion, when we feel spirituality, when we are inspired..that is the ruach talking. When we say something touched our Neshama..its really the ruach."Imagine a room filled with dancing Chassidim. They are singing and when they reach the climax of the song, all are screaming, “Ki ata hu melech malchey hamlakhim malkhuskha netzach” “That you God are the King above all kings; Your rule is eternal.” Their eyes are closed and their bodies bob up and down throbbing with devotion. They pull you into their circle and you join their dance. You lose yourself in a passionate swirl. You feel that God is everything and your deepest desire is to be loyal and close to Him. Those feelings are an expression of Ruach."

The neshama is the highest level of our soul that we will ever internalize. It used to be that people really were in touch with their neshamot. This is no longer true today (except for the few rare individuals.) "This level of soul is felt in the experience of pure thought. Most of our thoughts are tainted, they are the result of physical biases and emotional inclinations; pure, abstract, moral thought is an experience of Godly intimacy. The pleasure of comprehending and fully grasping the pure truth of Torah is a bit of Neshama."

(The chaya and yechida are beyond this world and are rarely internalized by humans.)

We don't believe in "being a Jew at heart." We have to do things. But Judaism is not about simply doing, but also being. The Ramchal asks of us to be a Yid. Think like a Jew, walk like a Jew, talk like a Jew. Its something that should be in our pores. Da'at Torah does not only mean halachic answers. Da'at Torah means you are asking advice from someone whose mind is completely immersed in Torah, therefore his common sense, his advice about moving to city x or y, whether or not to have the surgery, is Da'at Torah. It comes from a place beyond himself, because his mind lives beyond this world. (if that makes any sense)

So this has been a bit rambly, but I am coming to the end. I began saying that I have too much time to think. It would seem from what I have brought down that thinking is a good thing. It is. But our thoughts have to be pure and untainted. Our thoughts have been sullied by the world around us. Our thoughts need to be reflecting da'at Torah, not da'at goyim. So please think. Take the time. Think. But please, let us clean our minds of the dirt so that our thoughts will bring us closer not farther away.

May any inspiration from this post be l'iluy nishmat Moshe ben Yechezkel and Yehuda leib ben Nachman

**quotes from www.613.org

Do you? Really?

2011-07-05T07:52:00.000-04:00

I say I believe..................................... I don't
I say I trust ........................................ I don't
I say I'm fine.......................................I'm not
I say it will be OK.................................It won't

Emuna and Bitachon are the cornerstones of our faith. We believe that Hashem is our Father and everything He does is for the best. Or do we?

I recently had a revelation about myself. I always thought that I was a go with the flow kinda person. Very chilled, its not that big a deal, life is river and all that. But its not 100% true. This is what I discovered. If I have no expectations about what is supposed to happen, then yea, I'm chilled, really chilled. Doesn't matter what we are doing, I'm good. But once I have decided and planned on doing something and done all the preparations, and then I'm told, nope try again..that really annoys me and that really annoys me.

This revelation is deeply disturbing to me. It speaks of a deeper more fundamental problem. My lack of emuna. If I really believed that G-d is an omniscient, loving Father then I should rejoice at change. Change would mean that something better than the original came along. Change means that we are doing better. Plan B is waay better than plan B. But that's not how I feel.

I get annoyed, despondent, frustrated and moody when things don't go according to plan. I hide myself in my hoody and behind my headphones. Sure I say, its no problem, with a fake smile. Sure, its not a big deal. But it is. I am stewing. But I shouldn't be.

They say the first step to recovery is awareness. So now I am aware. I am aware that everything is not in my control. Things will not always go my way. Much to my chagrin, 0.01% of the time, I am not right. People make mistakes. The weather changes. Things happen. As much as we would always like things to go as planned they don't and that's not a bad thing. It means G-d is watching out for you and He has a better plan than the one you thought of!

I say I believe..................................... I try

I say I trust ........................................ I try

I say I'm fine....................................... I will be

I say it will be OK.................................It might

Breathing Re-post

2011-07-01T07:39:00.000-04:00

just a repost, due to the fact that i couldn't breathe yesterday (bring on the tissues). It reminded me of a post i did two summers ago.

My oh my how the time passes, summer semester is almost over and I'm still alive to tell the tale..what to talk about what to talk about? this whole week I've been trying to take my own words to heart looking at seriously everything trying to find something that would be a good blog topic and there were some that were really good..but can i remember them now? what do u think would i be rambling like this if i did?

K i think i may have something..as usual we'll see how it goes. So basically as u all know everything i do these days pertains to chemistry. So in my chemistry class my teacher often says "chemistry is a beautiful thing" and when we don't understand or are confused he says "let me explain this to you so you'll see that chemistry is a beautiful thing.." hes very into it, its his mantra. recently, as in two days ago on Wednesday i was feeling gross,i couldn't breathe my throat was killing me as was my stomach my head, and every two minutes i had to leave class to get a tissue..that night when i was slowly filling the garbage can in my room with tissues i said u know what..breathing is a beautiful thing. being able to breathe and not having to catch that runny nose of mine..that is a beautiful thing. and what reminded me of this is the fact that about two minutes ago i was drawing a blank trying to get the ideas flowing and then BAM i sneezed and that was that.Hashem reminded me of where it was that i wanted to go...so that last sentence just got me thinking on a whole new tangent..and I'm a go with the flow type of gal so we'll just ride this out it just may come full circle after all.

as we all know and as I've said so many times we all have the goals in life that we have. we keep them in our mind that i want to do this, i want to do that..but then when it comes to tachlis we seem to forget exactly what it was that u wanted to do. its like when you are at home and u get up to go to your room to get something and then when u get there u stand there scratchin ur head trying to remember why it ws that u were in ur room, 'what was it that i wanted to get again? ' we've all experienced it and usually we just go back to what we are doing and then hopefully we remember and we go back.

i think this is the chazal " bederech she'adam rotzeh molichin bo/lo" not really sure. basically, whichever way it is that we wanna go, that is the way Hashem leads us. its up to decide the destination He'll be the GPS giving us the directions we need to get to that place. He'll give us reminders when we are diverting off the path..u can sneeze and then ull remember why it is that u are standing there. He'll give u a little nudge to remind what it is that we are doing in this world what it is that u REALLY want to be doing not what the yetzer hara wants u to do.

i was discussing this with a friend of mine about something that I've been struggling with. for a while this thing that i was struggling with was everywhere i went all the time and it was so hard..and at that point i was resisting it so much..but the moment i really decided that it was something that i did not want to be doing and something that i really wanted to avoid..after a few times this thing virtually disappeared. there was a time when i had to deal with it on a daily basis but once i decided not..Hashem made it that i barely ever have the nisayon, its something that i don't even encounter ever. the way we wanna go..Hashem leads us..

so i finished chemistry lab this week..and at the end of lab we have to check out. they come to out little cubby thing, we have to pull it all out wash everything take the labels off and put it on the counter...the TA (teaching assistant) comes around making sure u have everything every beaker, every flask, stirring rod...u get the point and if u don't then u gotta pay they give u a little receipt of the things u need to pay for then u lock up and ur out..you get where I'm going with this? at the end of 120 when we sit in front of the Heavenly tribunal. They are gonna pull everything out from your drawer..they are gonna take everything that was given to u in this world and they are gonna judge...is it still whole was it broken during the ride..was it used properly?...they do a full accounting and everything better be clean otherwise they send us back..we all want to come to shamayim after 120 with clean neshamos, clean utensils to be able to say that everything that was given to us we are returning whole and clean because they were used for the right purposes..

but we have to make sure..this is what i really want..this is what is important to me ..this is what matters..this is what i am going to sacrifice for..cuz this is what i want! and until we can say it with that kind of conviction that tho it may be hard and tho its gonna take a lot of effort its what i want then u get no Heavenly help. however, once its clear without a shadow of a doubt that this is the path that i have chosen this is what is chashuv..this is what matters..that is all Hashem wants from that point on He opens doors for u that you never thought possible. He brings u to such heights that u didn't know were ever attainable even existed. But u have to make sure that this is what u want,this is where ur heart lies.u may be able to fool yourself, fool others but u cant fool the Master of the Universe. He can see through any smokescreen of doubt, through any facade, He sees the truth so u better want it. u better want it bad to return everything clean and sparkling...cuz without Hashem;s help our fight against the yetzer hara is kinda weak. he has years of experience hes seen it all he knows how to make us sin and we think we're doing a mitzva!that's the point to which he can delude us..its incredible!

so ..before i get too worked up..lets go back to breathing is a beautiful thing..its the small things in life that we forget yet it is exactly those small things that make life unforgettable. its that smile u get from ur niece, brother, cousin whatever that makes u melt whenever u think abt it..its that extra millimeter on the elbow or collar..its the five secs extra u beg Hashem for the geula. its the small things that matter, its those moments of truth that no one knows abt but u..its that small time frame that we have to do teshuva with such power and intensity (now and elul btw) its those things that make us who we are..we have to remember that breathing is a beautiful thing..and we have to understand otherwise its not. if we don't understand the logistics behind the scientific law then its not a beautiful thing cuz we dont understand what it is..we can never fully begin to even fathom to understand the entirety of Torah or Hashem..but we can know that everything He gives us is a beautiful thing..and that if we took the time to notice that the sneeze is supposed to remind us on track..that is a beautiful thing..if we recognize all the subtle hints everyday that Hashem loves us ad is guiding us exactly to where we want to go..then that's a beautiful thing..and if we recognize the awesome responsibility that we have to choose that direction and we realize how much power we hold in our small hands..then that is a beautiful thing..

Say Sorry

2011-06-29T00:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry.

As children we are taught to say sorry. We usually didn't mean it, but our mothers would not leave us alone till we did. So, we placate them. We did as we were told and kept going on, without ever having any sincerity in our words. They did this to us to instill a lesson in us. They taught us well.

We say it all the time. But what does it really mean? Does it really make anything better?
We say sorry and then we do it anyways .We say sorry and we don't change.

So does that sorry mean anything?
When does sorry help? When is it insulting? When does simply saying sorry make everything better and when is it completely useless?

Acceptance

2011-06-21T20:04:00.004-04:00

I got in! After years of working and after months of praying..it actually happened…I GOT IN! I still find it hard to believe and it still makes my pulse quicken when I think about it. I keep thinking…thank you Hashem! I take no credit for this accomplishment. This is all Him.

I was wondering what it was that made me think this way. I mean I have worked hard for this. I have spent many sleepless nights studying, practicing and reviewing. Countless of cups of coffee and hundreds of pretzels later..I finally achieved my goal. So why don’t I feel a sense of accomplishment? Well people say congrats I say thank you, but I don't feel like it has anything to do with me. It is a "matnas chinam."

The truth is that we do not deserve anything we get. What have we done to deserve life? A home? Beauty? Intelligence? When Moshe was davening to get into Eretz Yisrael he used the lashon of "v'etchanan." He davened so many times until Hashem told him to stop davening for otherwise Hashem would be forced to let him in and that would not be a good thing. Moshe Rabeinu spoke to Hashem face to face. He brought about plagues, split the sea and was the most humble person ever. There will never be another like Moshe for all of eternity. He, he, davened, asking for a gift. He prayed and prayed never asking because he deserved it but rather as a gift, as a favor from the King of Kings. If that is the way that he prayed..then how do we ever have the audacity, the chutzpa to ask for things as if we deserve it?!

We forget that things are not in our hands. We forget that its a play. We are merely puppets in the hands of the Master Puppeteer. We are supposed to do our hishtadlut. We are supposed to spend the hours studying, dating and working out. But at the end of the day, we are not the one who calls the shots and somehow I think that concept gets lost in the hours of studying. When we do well, we laud ourselves for studying well, and maybe then we mutter a "thanks G-d" and move on.

We are told that davening is not for Hashem. He doesn't need anything from us. Davening is for us. It allows us to connect to Hashem on a real level. It gives us a sense of perspective.

So why did I feel like my acceptance had nothing to do with me? I believe its because I davened. Everyday, twice a day, I davened. From the day I overnight-ed my application (yes,i procrastinated that much) through my interview right up until the day I got my acceptance letter. Now, I say thanks everyday. The more we pray and turn to Him, the more we see that everything comes directly from Him. That's why Moshe, on his level asked for it as a present. He was that close to Hashem, that he knew that nothing comes to us because we are deserving, it only comes because Hashem decided it was good for you.

Be Extraordinary!

2011-06-17T07:19:00.000-04:00

Its amazing. When I stopped school and started working, I came home everyday thinking to myself "man, work makes me tired, school never exhausted me this much!" But soon I adjusted, homeostasis and all. Now that I am not working and back in school. Same feeling. School is exhausting. And this is just the beginning. I have about three more years. I had my time off, and now I'm back. Which leads me back to my original conclusion that you can get used to anything.

All that is besides the point. Now that I am back, I have more stories, more material and definitely more thinking time. Here is the thought that occurred to me while I was sitting in traffic yesterday. I was physically so close to home. Really all it should have taken was about two minutes, three tops. But, there was that lovely traffic. Yes, it exists outside of NY.

However, it took me probably 15 minutes to get home. ( I did a lot of Ipod shuffling in that time.) The phrase "so close, but yet so far" never felt more apt. This lead me to think about how many goals in our lives are "physically" pretty close in reach. There really is not that much that separates me from my goals in terms of actual distance. What makes it difficult to accomplish are the obstacles along the way. It is all those cars in front of me that do not seem to move even when the light is green. It is the light that is red that won't let me through. Its the construction zone which delays EVERYTHING and sometimes its the movie set that delays you half an hour.

(on a completely side note, did anyone ever notice how when you are in traffic, you don't move when the light is green, but rather red? Why is that?)

We all have the image in our head of who we want to become. Sometimes, our dreams and goals seem like they are eons away. Too far to reach at times. But truth is that really its right around the next corner. We just cannot see it. If we could learn to identify the obstacles, then the path becomes much clearer. Unfortunately, our biggest hurdle, our biggest challenge, our worst enemy is ourselves. We know our weaknesses better than anyone else.

We allow our flaws to get in the way.We tell ourselves that we are mediocre. We are ordinary. I am nothing special. But that is the farthest thing from the truth. If we woke up every morning and said:

"I am a worthwhile person

because I am created

B'tzelem Elokim.

Everything I think, say

and do

Must show that I am created

B'tzelem Elokim"

Imagine how different your day would be. Imagine how different your life could be. Commit yourself to being extraordinary. A notch above mediocre. Then the hurdles won't seem so bad. The goals will be reachable. Your day, a little brighter.

Top Ten Sefarim

2011-06-12T14:16:00.000-04:00

I don't usually do these lists but try everything once right?

If u had to advise someone which 10 Jewish books they should have in their house, excluding a siddur, chumash and machzor which she already has.. which would it be and why?

(Remember, she has nothing at home but a Chumash, Siddur and Machzor)

Thumbs Up

2011-06-02T18:38:00.000-04:00

This kid gets it..do we?

Week 7

2011-05-31T23:54:00.001-04:00

Nobility,Sovereignty, Leadership.

Week 7 is the culmination of Sefira."Malchut is a sense of belongung; knowing that you matter and that you make a difference."

"I am wanted and needed in this world. I have a comfortable place where I will always be loved. I have nothing to fear. I feel like royalty in my heart."

This is malchut, kingship.

Do you agree with this definition? What allows you to be royal in this sense? When do you feel royal? When not?

**Quotes from Rabbi Simon Jacobson's Spiritual Guide to Counting the Omer.

Protection

2011-05-29T13:48:00.000-04:00

Those closest to you hurt you the most. It is a simple well known fact. Their words hurt more than anyone else's because they mean more to you. You value what your friend opinion of you. Her approval matters to you. It hurt because you let her words go where no one else's can even begin to dream of penetrating. They say "keep your friends close; keep your enemies closer" right?

The yetzer hara used to be outside of us. It was a separate entity. There was Adam, the trees, the animal and the snake. It was something physical and easily labeled. Then came the chet. Adam ate from the Eitz Hadaat and with it brought the yetzer hara into himself. No longer could we easily turn away from our temptations. We cannot simply lock it away in a closet and throw away the key. It is with us from the moment we are born till the day we die. It is a part of us. Like anything we get used to this intruder living with us. We no longer are so hesitant to share our space with him. After all, he has been with us all this time. He cannot be that bad.

Then he creeps into our thoughts. He tells us " I know you. I know what you need. You need to watch that movie. Its just this one time. You're not feeling well. Just this once." He sounds like me. He is making sense. He has my best interests in mind. I have my best interests in mind. I need this. This is a good idea."

Slowly it is no longer him that's talking. Its me that wants this. The lines and boundaries have been smudged and among the confusion I have lost myself to the will of the yetzer hara.I do not know who I am anymore. I have become my own worst enemy. I can hurt myself more than anyone else. I spend more time with me than anyone else. That means that i know how to manipulate me better than anyone else. If we do not take extraordinary care to separate the Yetzer Hara from myself.. then I will lose myself to it and the other side will have one.

A basic concept in Judaism is that of making fences. All of hilchot muksa are to create a fence around Shabbat, lest we G-d forbid come to desecrate the holy day. We need to make fences in our daily lives and our thoughts to keep the Yetzer Hara in his small closet. We cannot allow him to taint our pure neshama and allow him to define us and our actions.

He is the enemy and he is only as powerful as we allow him to be. We cannot allow ourselves to become our own worst enemy.

How do you protect yourself from yourself?

In Flight

2011-05-22T14:01:00.003-04:00

Sitting on the plane yet again is making me think. In the past three flights in the last week I have yet to have the privilege of sitting in the aisle. The window seat yes, the middle seat (ugh) yes..aisle ..no. So what is the big deal you may ask? It is only a two hour flight. True, but the Starbucks run right before boarding does make it necessary to have access to certain facilities. Sitting in the window seat means that if I want to get up, I have to bother my seatmates. If there is one thing that I really don’t like is inconveniencing people. I try to avoid sitting on the plane for as long as possible, so the two other people sharing my row had to get up so I could get to my seat (never mind the time I tried to climb over a sleeping neighbor only to have him wake up mid climb..moving on)

I was thinking how interesting the concept of flying is. You are in a chair in the sky! Think about for a moment. You and about a hundred other strangers are sitting together in a metal box flying through the sky and death defying speeds..and two hours later you have landed thousands of miles away. On a plane there is not much personal space. There are rules of etiquette that must be followed. The guy in the middle seat by default gets rights to the arm rests simply because the poor chap has the misfortune of sitting in the middle we give him that liberty. We have our little pull out tables and they have not yet started charging for mini drinks and snacks.

This is a serious time to work on your bein adam le’chavairo.” It is soo easy to be obnoxious and annoying. You have very little space. If you are anything like me..you are on very little sleep. The chairs are not comfortable and you just cannot wait to get your feet on solid ground. But people are accommodating. They try to keep their feet to themselves (except for the guy behind me who is sleeping and totally has his feet in my area..but bless his soul he’s sleeping..lucky) They get up for you when you need to get up. In all my years of flying…and believe me ..I have flown a lot and stories I have. But I have yet to have someone refuse to get up to let me out. That is a big deal I think. I mean you have finally found that one comfortable position, and then this girl makes you move..how rude!

I think the reason we are all so accommodating on the plane is that we are all on the same boat. We are all stuck in this tiny space. Most everyone has had the unfortunate experience of having the middle seat. We commiserate; been there done that. So we are emphatic so we try to make the experience as painless as possible for each other.

Unfortunately, real life is not that charming and kind. Once we all disperse to our own lives and our own cars and hit the highway..let the madness begin. Everyone is cutting each other off. Horns are hocking..people are yelling..no one is getting out of your way. What happened? These are the same people who were sitting next to you half an hour ago..letting you in and out. What changed?

I think it is that we no longer see each other as people that we can relate to who are in the same boat as us. Once you take away that relatability, the empathizing disappears and I no longer care. I have one person to take care of and that’s me. Today on Lag B’omer it is especially crucial to think about derech eretz and how we treat the people we see everyday whether we know them or not.

What do you think? Why is it that such a dramatic change occurs? What can we do diminish the shift?

and on a more mundane note...which seat do you prefer..the window or the aisle? why?

In the Spirit of the Omer

2011-05-20T11:41:00.001-04:00

Something I got in my email today. I think its important to share, especially now during sefira; a time when we mourn the loss of Torah in this world due to a lack of simple bein adam lechavaro

Please Say/Whisper the Words out Loud
This learning is dedicated liiluy the neshama of Blanche Lassoff Pichel.

(I know this is a little bit long. sorry. But Its a really important article/personal story with lessons that need to make us all think about the comments we make)

I
"I sometimes wonder if people realize that a slight comment can cause so much pain. Why is it that just because your plight is well-known, people assume they can ask you anything about it, in public? Couples who are childless, people who are sick or disfigured, someone who is having business trouble or going through a divorce; the list goes on. Being single in a marriage-minded world is my public experience of pain. I cringe at the thought of so many people being aware of my challenge (in the community I live in, being single is viewed as a major life challenge). I’m forced to speak about very private things and answer questions I would never ask someone else. The ease with which people talk to me about dating and my private life is so hurtful and throws me off guard."

II

"Words are powerful. People don't mean to throw stones and cause pain; they may really be concerned and caring. People want to know, “What should we say?” and the answer is most often, “Nothing.” The key is to think before you speak. Evaluate if it could possibly cause any pain. If the answer is yes, then don't say it. We like to know all the news and be involved, but it shouldn’t be at someone else’s expense. If a painful topic comes up perhaps recognizing that you don’t have anything to say and admitting it is a show of support. You don’t have to have all of the answers.

No one means to say things that break your heart. They just don't realize that when you say goodbye to them you want to lie in bed and cry. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I was the recipient of so many of these “concerned comments.” I really believe God is teaching me to be more sensitive. When I see someone in a situation I don‘t understand or cannot relate to, I have to stop myself before I speak. I don't know how they feel. I don’t know what will make them cringe and want to hide. Maybe what I am about to say will really hurt them. Perhaps God has made me the receiver of so many "sticks and stones" so I could be more careful with others. When I want to ask an inappropriate question with no real reason I think twice. Sensitivity seems to be a real exercise which requires lots of training. God gave me the opportunity to have a lot of training, and if it means I can prevent someone else from hurting, doesn’t that make it a blessing?"

(Private Pain, Public Remarks by Rachel Davids)

quote of the day

2011-05-08T18:50:00.000-04:00

"you should never settle for who you are"

true or false?

Day Three

2011-05-03T21:46:00.000-04:00

Its day three and I’m living solid. No, I have not joined Suntrust. I am on day three without my Ipod Touch. Those who know me know this is a big deal. I spend many a hour on that fabulous piece of machinery. I use it to stay updated on my email, stay in touch with friends, IM, Skype, text. You name it, I use it. So the natural question is why .Why have I separated myself from my beloved Touch?

Over the course of the past week both my friend’s grandfather and one of the biggest leaders in Persian Jewry (R’ Avigdor Asher Ben Gohar A’H) passed away. To say that we were devastated is an understatement. When two people like that are niftar so close to each other it really makes you stop and think about the life you are living and what it that we are living for. What is the purpose of this life? If I died tomorrow would I be able to answer the Heavenly Tribunal?

The Shabbat after my friend's grandfather passed away, her father (my rav) was away for the Levaya so her husband gave the shiur. He was giving the Hashkafa of the omer and why it is that it is so important. The one thing he said which struck me was that al pi kaballa the way one acts during sefira will determine the outcome of his year...ahh..you tayna....what about Rosh Hanana and Yom Kippur? Isn't that when we are judged? He answered that if you are "good" during the omer then you will not be judged come Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Powerful stuff man. Powerful.

So this all leads me to why I have given up my dearest Touch. For the course of the omer, my pod is in the hands of my sister. I will not have the internet and chat at my finger tips. I will no longer be surfing internet in bed when I should have been sleeping eons ago. It will not have a hold on my like before. After Pesach, I choose to be FREE! During this holy time, during this engagement period between Pesach and Shavuot, choose to reconnect to my Father in Heaven.

So how are you celebrating your freedom? How have you reclaimed your independence? How are you showing that you cherish this engagement period and doing everything possible to connect to Hashem?

May any inspiration from this post be an Iluy Neshama for R'Avigdor Asher ben Gohar

Muddling Through the Gray

2011-05-01T01:43:00.000-04:00

There is Black. There is white. Black and white are simple and clear cut. It is right or wrong. Clean or dirty. There is nothing complicated in that. The decisions are easy to make. The execution may be difficult but the decision, the decision is easy.

It is the grey areas that are complicated. Its the things that we don't know for sure that confuse us, surprise us and tear us apart inside. Not everything in life has rules written out, some things we have to figure out on our own. There are rules. There is mutar and assur. But the in between areas leave us asking questions. Some things we have heard from those that we respect that its not suggested. But what about the things that are not out there? The things that are not scripted for us? How do we know if its right or wrong? How do we know what to do if thee are no rules?

The people we look up to say a lot about us. The people we hang out with are very telling about the people we are and the people we want to be. We naturally want the approval of those that we care about. We respect our close friends, so naturally respect their opinion. We run things by them and we discuss and weigh things out with them.

So here is my thought. When things come up that we cannot define as black and white, when we have to decide yes or no...we should think about the people that we respect. Can I tell my friend what I am doing without being embarrassed? Will she be OK with this? If the answer is yes, then chances are that it cannot be all that bad. But if the answer is no, she won't be OK with it, I am embarrassed to tell her..then chances are that its not the best idea.

So what do you think? How do you decide? Do you trust your friends to help you get through the dark times? Who do you turn to help you muddle through the gray?

The honeymoon

2011-04-16T23:29:00.000-04:00

It can't last forever.

The honeymoon is a magical time. the chatan and kalla are still in that infatuated stage. Nothing can ruin their happiness. They are together and no one will begrudge them any level of mushiness and PDAs that would be considered inappropriate any other time or circumstance. After Sheva Brachot, they have the transition time of Shana Rishona. But eventually the magic comes to a screeching halt when they both have to get up and go to work early in the morning. At the end of a long day, they both sit down to dinner, exhausted and drained. They still love each other. He just does not have the strength or energy to wow her with his divrei Torah and neither does she have the time to cook elaborate five course meals. They lie in bed, not yet falling asleep. They think to themselves, what have we become? We used to sit for hours talking and laughing. We used to go out for hours every night always thinking of new things to discover and do. Now what? we barely hold a conversation before we hit the sack! Does that mean that what we had before was not real? Where we are is soo far from where we were?!

The truth is that the honeymoon is not meant to last forever. It does have a purpose. It is there to allow you to build the relationship. Every relationship needs that special time to develop and flourish. It needs special attention, for it is fragile at its earliest stages. So we do give the couple the special time of Shana Rishona. But then, once we trust the relationship to stand on its own two foot so to speak..we move into real world mode. It does not mean that they do not need date night anymore, just that real life means that you cannot expect that things will be the same as they were when you were dating.

The ultimate relationship is between Hashem and us. We are the Kalla and He the Chattan. It seems that in this galut that our relationship had been laid to the side. We remember the stories that we learned in school. The open miracles which He performed for our ancestors..where are they? Have we been left alone? But it just means that we have moved on from the honeymoon. We still talk everyday. We still send that random text here and there to make Him "smile" but its not Yom Kippur. Its real life. Its not the honeymoon.

But we have something so much more special. We have a weekly anniversary. We have a weekly commemoration with Him. Shabbat is when we get dressed in our finery The candles are lit and the table is set with only the best. We sit, sing and talk. Shabbat is the source of blessing. The day Hashem recreates the world, yet again, just for us. A special time just for us to sit together and discuss all the things that are important.We may no longer be in Shana Rishona mode but what we have is so much more special, so much more meaningful. We have history. We can celebrate that we have stuck it through together through hard times as well as the good. We can celebrate weekly what we have had and what we will have.

Not only do we have Shabbat, we have our Yomim Tovim. We know that our holidays are not just an anniversary. We are not just remembering..we are reliving. We have to feel on pesach as if it was us who were being tortured. As if we were the ones who walked across the Yam Suf. We have the opportunity to go back to the honeymoon and feel the warm fuzziness that comes with PDAs. It was US Hashem smote the Egyptians for. It was US Hashem split the sea for. US! Me, you..US!

So as we sit together this Monday night and go through the hagaddah remember that Hashem who saved us so many years ago..is saving us everyday in ways we could never imagine. He gives us the gift of life everyday. He saved OUR lives, and we have the ability to reach the spiritual heights they reached. We know that what a maidservant saw at Yam Suf, Daniel Hanavi did not ever see. We have the ability to reach those heights in a few short days. But we have to prepare. What we put in is what we get out!

May we reach the levels of the maidservants on the night of the seder and may we feel the love of a Chatan and Kalla on their honeymoon, for that is exactly what this is. Rather, these are the dating days. The days when you have dated long enough to know that this is the one..and its only a matter of time. The days of pesach leading to Shavuot are the engagement and Shavuot is the wedding. So enjoy the dates and look out for the texts and the PDAs because I promise..they are there.

may any inspiration from this post be a zechut for a refuah Sheliaima for R'AVIGDOR ASHER BEN GOHAR

What We All Want

2011-04-15T02:11:00.000-04:00

i want you to want me
i need you to need me
i'd love you to love me
i'm beggin' you to beg me

We all need it. We all want it. Everyone at some level, in some way needs to be needed. His existence needs to be validated. We all want to know that we mean something to somebody. Its very nice that I a go to work, school etc. But does anybody Need me? Will anyone care if i drop dead tomorrow?

We often evaluate our relationships. Some are easier than others. Some require more effort. The ones that need you to go the extra mile to make it work often make us stop and think, is it worth it? Do i need this person? Would this person care if I never answered another phone call. If i never called again? Does he need me?

Aish has an article now about releasing yourself from abusive relationships. After all the theme of Pesach is freedom. Salvation. Exodus. Freedom from galut, from our Yetzer Hara, from ourselves perhaps.

Yes, we need others to validate us. But to what extent? How much of our self worth is dependent on others. No matter how much we profess that we do not care what they say or think. There is always the select about who's opinion you do care. It does matter to you what they think. As it should be. You should always have those that you feel responsible to. We should all have people that inspire us to be better. People who motivate us. Yes, we should have them in our lives.

But to what extent do we need to be needed? To what extent is our feeling of self tied with others? At what point does our need to be needed become crippling? What happens if the person who used to need you does not anymore? Or maybe just not as much as before? What if he has moved on and no longer needs you the way he once did. This can be very hurtful. The person is not intentionally inflicting pain on his friend, he has just moved on. Things are not the same. His situation has changed,he changed. This happens a lot when friends get engaged. They just don't need you in the same way they did before The smart ones realize that they still need friends just not in the capacity or to the extent that they needed you before prince charming came along. This can be very hard to get used to.

Pesach is the time of freedom. The time to remove all shackles that bind us down. It is the time to release ourselves from whatever is keeping us from growing. We cannot grow if our happiness is dependent on others. We cannot grow if we expect others to maintain our self esteem and worthiness. We have to take a stand to be independent and self-believing. We have to free ourselves from the ropes that we ourselves have tied. Those are often the hardest to remove, for we do not even realize that we have shackled ourselves.

May this Pesach bring with it true freedom. May we be released from all bonds that hold us down. May we eradicate anything within us or around us that keeps us from soaring. May we all find the "chometz" in our lives easily and destroy it as easily and completely as we burn the bread erev pesach.

May any inspiration from this post be in Zchut of R'Avigdor Asher ben Gohar

Repost

2011-04-14T21:35:00.001-04:00

Repost from this time last year..i missed the shiur this year.. so enjoy!

so apparently i have to write a double one this week or maybe triple cuz the next two weeks are kind of not typing available if yoiu know what i mean.
so this week is erev pesach we are all running likae chickens without a head, everything is insane and we're not so sure which way is up or down, its nice to have a break ie. shabbat. and i just wanted to share with you a shiur that i heard from a highschool teacher of mine ( im part of a moreshes aviva group if anybody has heard of it)

anyway, erev pesach is also the coming of a once in 28 ( i think) years event- bircas hachama. this is not a normal phenomena and we have the opportunity this year to be part of this extraordinary mitzva- in this moreshes aviva group that was started in zchus of a girl aviva who was in sem the year before us, got a little sick went home for pesach adn then like two weeks later, her neshama had goneback to its Creator. her parents started this orginization and they put out a calender and every month has a midda to work on, something to think about, nissan was keeping your cool, being relaxed in a stressful situtaion im sure we can think of at least 5 in the past day or two..but my teacher looked at it in a differnt way and i think its quite powerful.

we all know the medrash of the moon and the sun, they were originally the same size the moon said it cant be that two rulers share the same crown and he was then minimized and given the stars as sort of consolation prize. yea yea we all know it backwards and forwards but this is a new twist that i never heard before, the moon was not complaining he was not in the wrong, he was right he was saying that it cannot be that we have the same tafkid, it cannot be that we are destined to do the same thing. we all know that the moon does not do the job of the sun, the sun does not raise and lower the tide the moon does not stop us from freezing to death. they have completely different functions. the moon was displaying a mida that we can never have enough of!

vatruness- being mevater. he knew that there cannot be two head honchos, he knew that if he spoke he probably would be the one lowered but that doesnt matter, he was willing to step aside, wiling to have teh modesty to be the one doing the backstage work while the main actress gets teh flowers and all the attention. and so he gets the stars, what are the stars? read well this is powerful, the stars are compared to the Ohr Haganuz! since the moon was willing to have the mida of vatruness and give up his glory he was zoche to the ohr haganuz.

vatruness is not a mida that we flaunt. in order to really be mevater only you and Hashem know about it, this is real tznius. Rabbi Refson says that tnius is the willingness to go unnoticed. and this doesn't mean only in clothing. it applies to every part of life. from getting credit for cleaning in the house, to the person who really ran production behind the scenes. only you and the Ribbono Shel Olam know the truth and you are the only ones who ever have to know.

it says in tehilim i cant recall exactly where that the stars represent our tzaros and right after it says that Hashem calls each one my name, now class what does name represent- that's right- mehus, tachlis, its essence is its name. Hashem counts every single one of the tzaros that we have by name, they all have a purpose, every single one

when you stub your toe, when yoy pull out 10 agurot stead of 50 (trying for a neutral currency) when your comp crashes two minutes before you have to turn in your assignment-we've all been there. but HAshem recognizes them all as signifiacnt they all have purpose adn when we pass that tzara, when we pass that nisayon we are merited with the Ohr Haganuz! this is what keeps us strong, we are not suffering in vain!

we digress to the sota lady, she is bringing a karban and she is not allowed to put levonah on the karban(or shemen for that matter but thats not the point) why? says rashi cuz she was not like the imahos (who knows 4) shaychus? levona-levana-moon-vatruness-tznius-imahos! how cool is that? when moshe is by the well and he lifts the rock and his future wife goes home to his shviger(yisro) yisro says "ayo" where is he how did you let a guy like that with such vatruness get away dont you knwo there is a shidduch crises! (k the end was a joke) when the malachim come to avraham they say "aya sarah eshtecha" same lashon, sara was not out and about she didnt need the limelight, she did what she was supposed to do and thasts all she needed, so too moshe, he did hang around for the credit, he saw a need and he filled it the end, no ps.

so heres where it wraps up. when we live our lives (hopefully) we go through many situations. sometimes we get attention for our good deeds and thats fine we all need that attention and sometimes we just dont get the credit, and it has to be fine, cuz its those moments when we get a standing ovation in shamayim. thats when upstairs they are pumping our hand and slapping us on the back. thats when we are the real hero.

back to the very begining( a very good place to start") the mida of chilling, being calm in a stressing situation. this can mean the idea of the obvious or class now you chime in or nod your head- vatruness. givin in to G-d's plan, realizing that as much as we'd like we just aint in charge. we try , we pretend, but pesach more than anything shows that try as we might and as much as we deny it. its the truth and deep down we know it and its liberating, its a weight off your shoulders when you know that in the end its not you but G-d who decides the outcome. so in the big things in life i think we have all come to the point in which we realize this. when it was sem acceptances we all said , where Hashem wants me to go thats where ill get it, when something insane like 9/11, or katrina happens we recognize that we are not in control or in the case of the birds flying into the plane engine, we see that seriously who are we kidding, but its not just the big things its the small things that irritate us so, like parking on the sixth floor (which i do regularly now btw) or losing that earring, or getting to the store and they are totally out of the crackers you wanted or flavor of ice cream, yoy get the point. not only to we have to be mevater with out friends and family but we have to be mevater with the One Above. we pray everyday for food for parnassa for daas, for what ever it is but how often do we really think that its G-d deciding whether i get the top i want or not, is this shopping trip going to be successful? we blame it on the stores, the mall, the economy its too expensive, yea but who controls all that? once we figure that out, we are zoche to the Ohr Haganuz!

Keep Your Enemies Close

2011-04-08T07:34:00.033-04:00

Rosh Chodesh Nissan,

The month of freedom. The month of miracles. We started out the month with a bang. A tornado blew through town wreaking havoc in its path. I got to work. The power was out. Not much we can do without electricity. So we just sat there.

I have been a bit MIA in the blogging world recently. There is a good explanation for that. I have mono. Every time I started to write something my eyes would start to close. The computer would then too close and bed I embraced. Suffice it to say that I have not been the greatest help around the house when it comes to Pesach cleaning, or much anything else. Going to bed at ten does not really give you much time to do anything.

The truth is that I only recently have been diagnosed with infectious mononucleosis. I have been feeling down and exhausted for a long time. and I felt horrible that I was decapitated and I was bed bound all the time. I started doubting myself.

The Yetzer Hara was on my back in a very real way. I started thinking, what’s the point. The thoughts that flitted through my mind shocked me. I had only heard of such things happening. It never happened to me. As the days went by, the worse it got. I am not an exhausted person. I pride myself in being able to go days without sleep and here I was needing eleven hours a night or else bad things would happen. Then I went to the doctor. I was tested and surprise of surprises. I have mono...a second time. That does not usually happen.

As soon as I was diagnosed the world felt brighter. I was happier. I felt freedom. I have a virus. That is why all this is happening. It was not a lack faith. It was not depression. It was an Epstein Bar Virus. Simple. I was surprised that I had felt so much better. I mean I’m still tired all the time. I still need to be hooked up to a coffee IV to get through the day. The facts are the same, I just feel so much better. I feel the freedom associated with this month.

The freedom comes with knowing the enemy. Knowing the opposition. Once you know what it is that you are facing, no matter how intense the battle becomes less daunting. Once the enemy has a name, you can develop a game plan. Before you know precisely what it is that you are facing, your groping in the dark, you have no chance of overcoming your adversary.

We all have darkness in our lives. We all have challenges, moments when we think that we will never get through this. But we are not so sure what it is that we are trying to get through. We are not sure where it is we are standing and we don't know what it is that is causing the pain, all we know is that we want it to be over.

In this month of renewal and freedom. Take the time to get to know this ghost your fighting. Yaakov was in the middle of fighting the malach. He stopped and asked him his name. The name is the essence. Once we know the name of what we are fighting, then we actually have a fighting chance of beating it.

keep your friends close, your enemies closer.

May this Chodesh bring us much clarity and freedom from our own personal galuyot.

*May any inspiration from this post be a zechut for a refuah shelaima for R' Avigdor Asher Ben Gohar

A Response

2011-03-22T14:32:00.000-04:00

Dear G-d,

It’s been a while. How are You?

Though You didn’t ask, let me share with You how we are. Bluntly put: We’re not doing so well down here.

Last Friday night – as You surely know – a beautiful family was butchered in cold blood. A father, mother and their three children. Just to confirm that You get their names and ages right, to assure them their box seats in heaven, here is the exact spelling of their names: Udi Fogel, 36. Ruth Fogel, 35. Yoav Fogel, 11. Elad Fogel, 4. Hadas Fogel, 3 months.

Yes, You read that right, 3 months old… Throats slashed – all of them. What did they do wrong? They were sleeping in their home in the Promised Land, on a Friday night, after praying Shabbat services and eating the Shabbat meal, reciting blessings and singing Your praises.

Yes, indeed: This happened on Shabbat. On Your Shabbat. And in YourHoly Land. The land that Your eyes “watch from the beginning of the year till the end of the year.”

In Japan, one of Your “natural disasters” – in the guise of an earthquake and tsunami – devastated an entire region, leaving over 25,000 dead, and millions displaced. (Our insurance policies call these “natural disasters” “acts of G-d”– so don’t think You’re off the hook and have been forgotten; all joking aside, when it comes to saving money our insurance companies blame stuff on You, though they don’t necessarily give You the credit when things work out alright).

These two brazen tragedies were publicized, leaving us all reeling, shaken to the core. But surely there were many more tragedies – which You, if anyone, know about more of than all of us – that did not make headlines. How many people are suffering as we speak? Only You know.

Bottom line, things are not very pretty on Earth.

Before anyone tries waxing philosophical, let me acknowledge that I am quite aware that the holiday of Purim is quickly approaching. And we know that Purim is all about Your concealed presence and Your hidden plans. Your name is therefore never mentioned in the entire Megillah, indicating Your behind the scenes orchestration.

We also know that the name of our Purim heroine, Esther, is rooted in the Biblical verse “And I will surely hide (haster astir) My face from you” (Chulin 139b).

We know all this and more.

But pray tell: Did You really have to hide Your face to the extent of allowing, for G-d’s sake, an infant’s throat to be slit??!!

Your hidden face doesn’t get more hidden than when that inhuman butcher dug his knife into the chests and slit the throats of these innocent victims…

You asked us to remember - Zachor - what Amalek did to us. To remember and never to forget. We remember all to well. This Shabbos we will remember yet again. But now, with the latest blood-drenched bodies in Itamar, we don't need a reminder to remember; their blood cries out to us. It's hard to forget what you see with your own eyes.

Our quesiton to You is whether You remember? You also obligated Yourself to fulfill every command You gave us. Do You remember even as your face is shrouded and concealed? Do you remember us?...

My colleague Dennis Prager wrote a heart-wrenching piece, The Other Tsunami, on what type of monster it takes to brutally slaughter children. How unnatural it is for a human being to kill an innocent child, and how much “training” and “education” is necessary to lose any semblance of compassion toward pure children. His chilling words capture the brutal reality of this and other attacks on Jews, and there is no need for me to reiterate it here.

However, what I would like to know, dear G-d, is how You see it? I understand that Your beautiful face is concealed. But how concealed can You get? How much will You tolerate and how concealed will You allow Yourself to become?

Was the holocaust not enough concealment?

And we would like to know what it’s like to see all this pain from behind Your hidden face?

I also know that in the Purim Megillah You have already planted a tailored response to this and any other tragedy: Life is filled with surprising twists and turns. Just as our lives can turn, in a blink, from normalcy to disaster, one moment the Jews were living in peace, and a moment later, a decree was issued to annihilate the entire Jewish nation, they can also turn as quickly the other way around, from catastrophe to joy.

Purim’s essential message is one of total reversal of fortune –v’nahafoch hu (Esther 9:1), ha'chodesh asher ne'hepach lo'hem (9:22) – the month had been transformed for them from grief to joy, from mourning to a festive day.

Purim is a story of surprises. What you see is not what you get. Everything is turned inside out and outside in, upside down and down side up. We therefore understand that despite the recent calamities, we surely will be redeemed, and our grief and mourning – for the Fogel family – will turn into joy.

We know all this too well. As Jews we have seen the abyss many times, and… survived.

But did we really need yet another slaughter of a pure family?!…

How much grief and mourning will it take to show us that things can be transformed to celebration?

We surely also appreciate all Your blessings, all the gifts that You bestow upon us daily. We are deeply grateful. But that does not compensate for the suffering some of us endure. And indeed, You instructed us to cry out and do whatever we can for those in pain. You created us in a way that our hearts break when we suffer and see others suffer.

We stand in awe and shudder before Your seemingly infinite capacity at concealment…

But with all the profound mystery of Your concealment (sod ha’tzimtzum they call it), and all the secrets behind Your greater plan – will we ever get some respite?!

How does a concealed face look at a baby bleeding to death???

How does it feel from behind the veil? From behind the “hastir astir” (Esther) of your face?

It must be very lonely behind the mask…

What does it look like from “behind the curtain” and the “doors of perception”?

I know You can see it from our perspective as well. And I know that You shed tears when we do. But at the end of the day, You also have the advantage of seeing it from Your vantage point. And we don’t.

That makes all the difference.

Help us out here a bit. We sorely need it.

We have lived in the dark long enough. It’s high time to take off Your mask and cloak, and show us Your face. As You Yourself promised: “No longer shall your Teacher hide Himself behind robe and garment, but your eyes will behold Your Teacher” (Isaiah 30:20), “for they shall see eye to eye” (Isaiah 52:8).

[Signed]

No Matter What

2011-03-18T10:27:00.002-04:00

DEAR FRIENDS,

NO MATTER WHAT, DO NOT FORGET TO UTILIZE THE HOLY DAY OF PURIM TO DAVEN, DAVEN, DAVEN.

DAVEN FOR YOUR FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS, SPOUSES, CO-WORKERS, FOR ALL OF KLAL YISROEL.

DAVEN FOR MASHIACH'S ARRIVAL TO FINALLY END THIS DARK AND BITTER GALUS.

DAVEN FOR HASHEM TO REVEAL HIS GLORY UPON HIS CHILDREN, KLAL YISROEL, AND THE END OF ALL PAIN AND HARDSHIP IN THE WORLD.

DAVEN FOR THE MILLIONS OF ASSIMILATED JEWS WHO DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SAY "SHMA YISROEL"

DAVEN FOR THE COUNTLESS JEWISH SOULS WHO LACK DIRECTION AND ARE FALLING INTO THE WORLD OF THE YETZER HARA FASTER THAN WE CAN BRING THEM BACK.

DAVEN FOR HASHEM TO REDEEM US DESPITE OUR MANY SINS.

DAVEN.

JUST DAVEN.

CRY REAL TEARS.

DANCE HARD.

SING.

SMILE AT PEOPLE.

LEARN SOME TORAH.

BUT, ALL THE WHILE...DAVEN!

THANK HASHEM FOR ALL THE GOOD HE GIVES US AND BEG HIM TO ALLOW THE REBUILDING OF THE BAIS HAMIKDASH TO HAPPEN REALLY SOON.

DAVEN FOR ALL THE CHOLIM IN KLAL YISROEL.

DAVEN FOR THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE PARNASSAH.

DAVEN FOR THOSE WHO ARE NOT SEEING YIDDISH NACHAS FROM THEIR CHILDREN.

DAVEN FOR OTHERS.

GIVE BRACHOS TO EVERYONE YOU MEET ON PURIM.

SHOW HASHEM THAT WE FEEL EACH OTHERS PAIN.

WISH SUCCESS UPON ONE ANOTHER.

MAKE UP WITH THOSE WE MAY BE IN A FIGHT WITH.

GO OUT OF YOUR WAY TO SAY A KIND WORD TO AN "EX FRIEND"

LET'S SWALLOW OUR PRIDE AND DO IT ANYWAY.

DAVEN HARD.

DAVEN FOR MENUCHAS HANEFESH.

DAVEN WITH KAVANNAH.

BEG HASHEM TO ACCEPT OUR TEFILOS.

DAVEN FOR STRENGTH...KOCHOS.

BESEECH HASHEM TO ACCEPT THE TEFILOS OF ALL JEWS, NO MATTER IF THEY LOOK LIKE YOU OR NOT.

DAVEN FOR HASHEM TO ACCEPT OUR TESHUVAH AS IF IT WAS AS SINCERE AT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

MAY HASHEM ANSWER ALL OUR TEFILOS AND ALLOW THE FINAL REDEMPTION TO RID THE GLOBE OF ALL THE HAMANS OF THE WORLD.

MAY HASHEM USHER IN THE DAY WHEN THE YETZER HARA IS SLAUGHTERED FOREVER AND WE CAN ALL BE REUNITED IN YERUSHALAYIM HABENUYA.

AMEN.

A FREILICHEN PURIM TO ALL MY DEAR READERS, HOLY BROTHERS AND SISTERS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE.

L'CHAIM! TO A LIFE OF CLOSENESS TO HAKADOSH BARUCH HU!

BEN OLAM HABA

Pursuit of Happines

2011-03-11T10:18:00.001-05:00

what is happiness?

are you happy? is anyone happy?

chazal tell us that "who is wealthy? he who is happy with what he has"

"d'agah belev ish yesachena v'dvar tov yeshmchena"

worry only heavies the heart while a happy thing gladdens the heart..

it seems that happiness comes with being content. not complacent but content. there is a big difference though the definitions do seem quite similar.

complacent:pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages,situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied

content: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

when one is content with his life, he believes that his life has content. It is good, it is something that he is proud of. i am going to argue with the definition. I don't think that if one is content with his life, he isn't looking for anymore. I think you can be content with what is in front of you and still strive for more.

Complacency is something altogether different. complacency is happy where you are now. complacency is never moving. complacency is settling. as i write, I'm thinking that maybe that complacency does have a place in our lives. there is no bad mida. I think that when it comes to physical acquisitions, complacency is a good thing. The old ipod is good enough, last years car is fine, it does the job. Yet, when it comes to spiritual pursuits complacency is death. we are not stagnant creatures. that is the domem, the lowest form of "life" a rock never changes bcz it decides to change. The rain may smooth it out, the wind may push it a few miles north. A person may come along and crack it. The rock is at the mercy of others, be it weather, animals or humans.

there are people who are "domem" in their lives. Yes, they change, the move but it is never an independent choice, a personal choice that maybe this isn't the way i want to live. They grow up, bcz the years pass. They move because they got married. The environmental factors are what keep them moving. They have externally changed, they have externally moved. But take a look inside. I would be scared. Take a look into that person, and what you see is the personal maturity of a ten year old, maybe a five year old.

When was the last time i made a choice to grow. When was the last time i moved. Why did i move? Was it because someone pushed me? Was it because i got caught up in the crowd? Or did i do it for me? Did i change as a commitment to making this life worth living? Is my life worth living? He obviously thinks so because He is keeping me for a reason. He must have some plan for me right? He wouldn't have wasted the "energy. resources..etc" if He didn't think i was worth it?

But why does it feel like such a waste sometimes. Why does the daily grind get to me so much, that at this point..im hoping, praying a wind will come along and push me, move me forward. Maybe once im moving, i can use the momentum to keep moving, to keep changing. Starting anything is always so hard. The introduction is the hardest part of the essay, first day of class in a new school. Beginnings are hard. Everyone knows that. So is it so bad that i am asking for a push? Is this the level i have descended to? This is pathetic, yes, but it is reality.

as Rafiki says, you can either learn from it, or you can run from it..and as simba says so wisely...first I'm going to take away your stick..

we have hard situations. we have hard times, things that seem to keep hitting us, banging us in the head at each turn...Yes, these things are meant to teach us something. But before we can learn from them, before we have the time, the ability to analyze and dissect...we have to take away the obstacle. We have to take ourselves out of the situation. We cannot be objective, we cannot be clear headed if there is a stick constantly banging on our heads..once we do that..we can step back and learn from the pain, learn from what we hate the most. If we can take the pain that comes to us, and direct that pain towards growth ( which i have no idea how to do..but it sounds good right?) then it just may be worth it. That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

we need to take ourselves out of the pain. and then we need to find out what it is that fulfills us. a fulfilled life is a happy life. fulfillment comes in many different forms. some people receive fulfillment from their jobs, others their personal life, some people feel fulfilled in all ares of their life. they are the lucky ones. most of us have areas that leave us feeling more fulfilled that others. but we cannot beat ourselves down because we don't excel at every thing. we all fear incompetence to a certain degree. This stops some of us from trying new things. for others this is crippling, because they cannot see past what they cannot do to what they CAN do.

its easy to compare ourselves to those around us. it is easy to wish you could be like your friends who are superior to you in so many ways...but we know that we shouldn't compare. Hashem gave me my backpack and I have everything that i need etc etc etc. We all know that speech in our sleep. I think we forget how important it is not to compare our past self to our present self. It is far too easy to fall into the trap of thinking "whats wrong with me? I used to be able to do this! Why can't i anymore?" we feel that if i used to be able to do something then there should be no reason why i cannot anymore. The must mean failure. That is so far from the truth. Hashem gives us what we need for that exact moment in our life. You may have needed that extra ordinary ability to not need sleep during seminary...but now you find yourself exhausted. What happened? I used to be the energizer bunny..not so much anymore. He gives you what you what you need when you need it. It so hard to remember but so essential.

We stress ourselves out with so many things that are out of our control. We try to manipulate people around us, we try to manipulate the situations around us. We like to pretend that we are in control. But if we just gave it over to Him. If we simply handed it over to Him and let Him take over how much freer would we feel? Easier said than done right? Tell me about it. But we burden ourselves with so many things that we have absolutely no control over. We try to change things we could never change. We do this because we feel like we need to take control, and if we have it under our control that gives us some verification of our value, our existance as humans. We are created in His image and we are creators as such, but at a certain point we have to yield to the ABSOLUTE CREATOR and give in to His mastery. Then we can feel loved and cared for in His protective embrace.

Its Not Your Business

2011-03-09T23:51:00.000-05:00

I learned this piece from Nefesh Shimshon which I thought was supremely powerful so I just thought I would share.

In the middle of the insanity that was leading up to WWII someone asked the Brisker Rav zt"l "what will be?"
The Rav replied: " what will be does not matter to me. I only need to know what is permitted to do and what is forbidden to do."

In our generation we often ask ourselves what will be? The answer is ITS NOT OUR BUSINESS! That is up to Hashem to decide. Hashem makes the world go round. The only thing that is our business: what is permitted to do, and what is forbidden to do.

This is harsh. It is hard to hear and even harder to implement practically.

Just something to think about

Scrubs

2011-03-04T08:04:00.001-05:00

During the week, I don't really notice it. Getting dressed is not a huge struggle. I get up in the morning hair is up, dressed..shoes and maybe make up if i feel like it. No biggy. No cause for stress. Then comes Friday night, Shabbos day..or any social occasion where i am expected to look better than average. That is when i freak out! What am I going to wear..I have no clothes..I need to lose weight...etc.etc etc.

It occurred to me recently why there is such a difference. Why do I not care, why do I forget during the week..that I do need to lose a few pounds? Why do I only remember that I need to be more careful about my food choices and exercising habits on Friday afternoon?

Here is the simple answer. During the week..I wear scrubs. Scrubs by nature..have no waist..are boxy and tend to be on looser side. As my sister said one day, after looking me up and down..u look..very...um...tznius. I.E. the scrubs hid any figure I possibly had. Comes Shabbat, and its adios scrubs. Its time to get dressed for real. I have to actually put on clothes that fit. I have to take a good long hard look at myself..because its not being hidden behind shapeless scrubs any longer.

This gave way to an interesting realization about life. We all have our flaws. Being the egotistical creatures we are..we hide are flaws. We push them to the recesses of our minds. We know they exist, yet we prefer to ignore them for the time being...thank you very much. In fact, if we did spend all our time obsessing with our failures and our flaws..we'd be quite depressed. We would not get through the day.

So we push em back. In the rare moment of self introspection, in those painfully honest moments with ourselves we see our flaws, and we wince for the picture just isn't as pretty as we would want it to be. So at this point we have two choices:

a) make a real change
b) shake our heads..shame man..and then push it back till the next time we are actually honest with ourselves.

Now obviously choice one is the only way we will ever achieve greatness and change. But choice one requires real hard work and real honesty. Growth does not come easily. So unfortunately, we often fall into the trap of choice two. We kinda shrug off the problem and ignore it. That is the voice of the Satan saying.."its not really that bad..you're not feeling well today..we'll do it another day..its too hard..someday soon..when your married.." He keeps pushing us to procrastinate. But that does not get us anywhere. If you were to die today..would you be proud of the choices you made. At the end of every day you should ask yourself

what you have done today to make you feel proud?

Knowledge is...___________

2011-02-25T08:39:00.000-05:00

Ignorance is Bliss

Knowledge is Power

So which is it? Are we to sacrifice power for bliss? Can you not be blissfully powerful? We live in the information age. News travels at lightning speeds. With the Internet never too far away..often in the palm of our hands..we can just google it..ask cha cha..We can get so much information so fast. People are being educated today like never before. College numbers are rising as more and more people are going back to school, getting degrees..expanding their horizons..In short we are learning more and being exposed to more information than any other time in history.

Last night I was learning in the Nefesh Shimshon, that Hashem's knowledge cannot be compared to ours. If we knew the past, present and future then it would affect free choice. Yet, Hashem's "knowledge" is not limited in that sense and exists on a completely different plane. He knows what i will decide in 5 minutes but that knowledge does not determine what it is that I will be doing. I was speaking to a friend last night, and at some point she said "G-d knows" and I replied in turn that yes, He does know ..He knows EVERYTHING. I then commented ..wouldn't it be cool to know everything? Discussion ensued.

With knowledge comes responsibility. If you know that someone is suffering you are not allowed to simply stand by and pretend like you don't know it exists. You, the carrier of the knowledge..must act upon what you know and make real changes. If you are aware of flaws in your character...you cannot ignore them...you need to make real changes ( as a completely BTW..this is why people often choose to stay away from self-introspection and self knowledge..they prefer not to know)

If you were to know EVERYTHING that would be an awesome responsibility that no human can carry. We cannot go on living our lives if we knew everything there was to know all the time. You could not live. Try indulging in a latte from Starbucks if you were acutely aware of the starvation in third world countries. Yes, we have to be sensitive to the plight of others and if we are aware personally of problems that are within our power to change then we must do so.

Knowledge is a good thing! I am all for education and proper grammar usage. I cringe when people say " I'm doing good" good is an adjective not an adverb! I always make a point of saying " I'm doing well, thank you."But I digress. Yes, we should learn, and No we should not intentionally stay in the dark..Yes, we should make ourselves aware of the problems that are ever prevalent in this world. No, we should not overwhelm our selves with the impossible..

So, now that I've said my peace..What is your take? Would you want to know everything? Would you prefer to stay in the dark sometimes? What kind of things intrigue you and want to make you probe further..and what things make you say " that's enough know, i really don't wanna hear about it anymore"?

Act Your Age Not Your Shoe Size

2011-02-21T08:32:00.001-05:00

So my new laptop was just not meant to be. I originally had invested in what i thought was a really awesome i3 processor and it was funky looking to boot..i mean it was a great deal and i was super excited! When I told my supervisor at work that i had gotten the i3..she looked at me in dismay..but i thought you were going to get the i5?

I explained that i really have no need for that kind of processor, I'm not a gamer by any means..the i3 suited my needs just fine..and besides it was about $200 cheaper..for the i3..she looked at me..shook her head..girl, don't you know that you always go for one step higher than what you need? You never buy what you need now! what happens when you start school again? You don't know what kind of programs you need to be running..

That lesson made an impression on me. Always aim higher that what you have now..aim higher than what you need. (I went back an exchanged it for an i5, it is waaay cool!) Everyone has heard the old quote..

Reach for the Moon, Even if You Miss You'll Land Among the STARS

When I was looking into seminaries (many eons ago) I looked into places that were slightly higher than where i was holding then. Sure it would have been easier, less complicated, and more comfortable to attend a school which was geared to girls at my level and continued at that same plane..but where is the challenge in that? Where is the growth?

When a person is training..first you start at your level..then the only way to advance is to raise the bar slightly higher than where you are now. If you always stay here you are never moving..your never growing..your not changing.

R'Noach Weinberg z"l, in his 48 ways of Wisdom classes, talks about this concept. He says that a 5 year old acting like a 5 year old is precious, its beautiful..but if you have a ten year old acting like a 5 year old? a tragedy! He goes on and on..a ten year old is beautiful..but a 15 year old acting like a ten year old? Tragic!

At these ages we expect development,...we expect change in young children. But when does the expectation stop? A 15 yr old is beautiful..but a 20 year old acting like he is 15 -TRAGEDY! and this next one struck me..and what about a 25 year old acting like a 20 year old? is that tragic?

I'm not quite yet 25 but I'm on my way..how different am I today at 22 than when I was 20? Am I going to be a tragedy at 25 because i never aimed to change? Because I never strove for anything greater than what i am now? Complacency, says Rebbitzen Heller, is death in living. We can never just sit and say that this is good enough...that this enough for me...always strive to be a little better..even if it puts you out a few more dollars..even if it does make you uncomfortable..bcz that is the only way we will achieve greatness.

Better to be the tail of the lion than the head of a fox

If we can take the message of the Mishna to heart..and really apply it..its incredible the growth we will see..

May we all be zocheh to use every day for growth..so we can look back and see the change in our years..

may any inspiration from this post be a zechut for a refuah shelaima for R' Asher Ben Gohar

Just do IT!

2011-02-18T08:52:00.001-05:00

Why is it so essential to our lives?

The first instance in the Torah is when we see Avraham waiting desperately for guests. When he does finally see them he rushes to bring them into his home. He rushes to get the food ready. He knows that greeting guests is like greeting the Shechina and you don't waste time when it comes to such things! So the posuk tells us about Avraham and how he ran to do the mitzva.

Next we see Eliezer ran toward Rivka and Rivka hurried to feed the camels. When Eliezer saw this midda of zrizut in Rivka he knew that she was the one.

Avraham woke up early to do עקידת יצחק . This is one of the greatest merits that we have as a nation. Avraham did not wait that morning to go. He did not delay or procrastinate. He woke up early and off he went.

The Midrash tells us about Nachum Ish Gam Zu. He was famous for always saying "gam zu letova." Nachum Ish Gam Zu was maimed, blind and cripple. His talmidim asked him why he deserved such suffering when he was obvisouly such a tzaddik. He replied to them that he had caused his own suffering.. He was once traveling when a poor man stopped his carriage and begged him for food. Nachum Ish Gam Zu told him to wait a few minutes while he unloaded his carriage and he would food him. By the time he unloaded his carriage the poor man had died from starvation. Since he delayed in giving food to the poor man he died.. Since he felt so bad he took upon himself all the dead mans suffering. Since the man could no longer see, R'Gam Zu no longer saw..his legs didnt work..R' Gam Zu's legs no longer worked etc...

We do the mitzvot... But we take our time... We never say that I wont do it..just not right now..soon ill get to it...

Mesillat Yesharim says that one of the worst middot to have is laziness

Why is it so tragic to take it slow... We're doing the mitzva just not right now?

- if we wait we are giving the yetzer hara a chance to attack and overtake us

- zrizut is a separate mitzva - u are on a different level you are an angel - bcz a malach has the vision of knowing how important it is to do right away and there is no chance for the yetzer hara to attack

Zohar says that it was in the zchut of Avraham waking up early to bring up Yitzchok that the Yam Suf split

We would think that it would be the actual עקידה not the preparing?! This simply shows us the importance of zrizut. Yetzias Metzrayim is the model for the final Geula. We see that if it was in the merit of zrizut that we were saved then..then it must be that the final Geuala as well will be in the zechut of our zrizut.

The Shulchan Aruch brings down the Mishna that says:

שלחן ערוך-

be bold like a leopard light as an eagle a swift like a deer strong like

Lion

Maharal says-

A leopard is comparable to Machshava. A leopard is bold...it does not let others sway it from its stance. We need to establish in our mind what it is that I need to do ( I have to wake up at 800 not 805 not 900) and we have to make that will final. Even if others have opposing opinions, if we make our mind that I follow Halacha then there is no wiggle room

The leopard has חוצפה. We need to integrate that chutzpa in our lives (in a proper way of course)

An eagle- get up like an eagle and fly with it... Use all your body To act right away. An eagle uses its entire body to fly. We need to invest our whole selves into what it is that we are setting out to do. No dilly dallying!

Deer- Do the mitzva quickly- don't waste time. We should not keep pushing it off, saying that i have time, I have time. The two main applications that come to mind are davening and shabbat. Particularly with mincha, whenever i say..oh i still have an hour..always the exact time when I had meant to daven..someone walks in..something comes up and I cant.

The same happens with shabbat. On erev Shabbat we keep thinking..its ok..i have time..it will get done..but then its two minutes to candle lighting and your still flying around like a chicken without its head on..

Lion-when it comes to finishing the job make sure it's a strong finish! When u take on a responsibility upon yourself have to make sure the mitzva is done 100%

My Rav didnt get into the nitty gritty with this one..but he said it suffices to say that the punishment is severe for those who don't finish what they start

Moshe did 99% of bringing Kllal Yisrael to Eretz Yisrael but Yehoshua gets credit for he finished the job

עצלות is one of the worst middot. Shlomo Melech tells a story of a lazy man who is told that his Rav is in his country..he cannot be bothered ..he says there are lions in that city..then they tell him..the Rav have come to your city! he again complains that there are lions..they tell him that his Rav is at his door..there are lions at his door he says..the tell him that his Rav is in his house..i dont have my shoes..etcc. etc. etc.

The story goes to show that if you want to be lazy..then one will make and excuse for everything.

Moshe tells us that learning Torah is so close to you .. It's in your mouth and in your heart.. You don't have to go anywhere it's in you! Things are simple. They tend to be so. We just complicate them because we cannot be bothered to do them so we pointless obstacles that are not really there to justify our laziness. But the Torah is within Us! It is right there. We don't have to go far to access it.

What about when u rush u make mistakes ...?

R' Chaim of Volozhin went to ask the Vilna Gaom permission to build his yeshiva. He told him no. Two years later R' Chaim came back and asked again. This time the Gaon said yes. He wanted to make sure it was for real..nut just something he was doing on a whim or for his own personal ego.

Zrizut is not rash it's done conscientiously

Halachot:

1) a Brit should be done first thing in the morning

2) it's more important to have the Brit early than having people there

3) any mitzva should be done as soon as possible

4) better to have a simpler Torah than a beautiful one later

5)should have melave Malkah as soon as Shabbat is over

6)pidyon haben asap

7) ner Chanukah right away

8)have to start the Seder right away

~We need to maintain the zrizut throughout the entire mitzva. It cannot be just a beginning spur that dies away..it must be continuous and lasting.

*these were my notes on a class i went to this week..just thought id share the love.

May any inspiration be in the zechut of Asher Ben Gohar

You Aren't Sitting in Traffic..You Are Traffic

2011-02-14T21:05:00.000-05:00

I dont normally drive in much traffic. I am blessed that both my jobs are within a five minute drive of my house. Today I sat in traffic.

I would like to start with a disclaimer that if I had to sit through hours of traffic daily I wouldn't feel this way... But BH I dont...

As I was coming off the highway I was struck by the scene. The sun was setting in a spectacular manner ending a beautiful 62 degree day... I was cruising along music playing.. shades on... And it was just so serene. The day was ending...the city basking in the last few minutes of the protective comforting rays closing the day period transitioning to night. Yes we were all sitting in traffic..but the day is over! Work is done and we are tired and weary and can't wait to collapse on a comfy couch with a steaming cup of tea/coffee/hot cocoa and just relax. Yes we are alone in a sea of cars all trying to get to our final destination ( for now anyways) but soon we will be home.

Now as I'm writing two thoughts come to mind.

1) for some the day is just beginning. For others the end is not yet near. There are still hours of class to sit through. There still remains mountains of homework to conquer.

For the mother nightime is when the real work starts. Nevermind the job she has all day... Children must be fed, clothes laundered, dishes washed and tears to wipe away. No matter how tired she is... There isn't much of a choice.. She pushes through the exhaustion because she loves those bundles of energy and temper tantrums.

Her moment of peace and serenity come much later or maybe just maybe it is those exact mothers who love the traffic. It may be the only time of day that they have to themselves to think.. To empty Thier heads.. Who knows when her nxt chance will be...at 2 am when she is exhausted and can barely see straight?

2) the second thought is as follows- what about the poor souls who have nothing to look forward to when they get home? They have no one waiting for them. SternGrad just listed her 101 reasons for getting married. One of them was having someone to come home to.
What about those people would rather sit in traffic because then in some sense at least they belong to sort of group?

I dont mind traffic.. I get to catch up with my friends.. The news.. The speeches I want to listen to... Think of blog topics..

What does traffic mean to you? What does the sun setting signal in your life?

Tis the Season

2011-02-11T08:37:00.000-05:00

The root of the word "ahavah" is "hav" which means to give. This is a well known point that is brought up and every sheva brachot. Loving someone comes from giving..and if you do not love someone yet but want to feel love for her/him..start giving and don't stop..just keep giving your time, effort as well as your tefiilot and soon you will feel attached to this person in a way that is immeasurable.

There are many kinds of love. there's romantic love... friendship love...parental love. They all have different ramifications but there is the one thread that connects them all..they all develop from giving (well maybe not puppy love but that is more infatuation that actual real lasting love...)

So we have established that love is about giving. R'Krohn has this amazing line that marriage is not about finding the perfect partner it is about being the perfect partner. I feel that the same wisdom and philosophies that are usually directed at marriage can be applied to any relationship.

In any relationship, there is a constant give and take. It is fluid and moving..never frozen. I have needs, you have needs..we both try to give to each other in the best way that we can. ( I have previously written extensively on friendship check it out here) No one is a mind reader..so sometimes we have to ask our friend/spouse for the things that we need. They would love to give it to you..if they only knew. Hence, the importance of communication in any relationship. Without communication their is failure.

But what happens if what you want, the other cannot give? What if they do not have what you want? Is there a point in asking for it? Should you ask for it? What if it is something that they do have..but it is extremely difficult for them to do what you want/need? You know that if you tell the other that you NEED it and that you feel unloved and lonely without it that he/she will do what it takes even if it means doing something they are uncomfortable with. and you do not want to put the other in a distressing situation because you love them and do not want them to be even in the slightest way unhappy?

So where is the line, at what point do you put away your own needs to make others comfortable? To make the one you love happy..how much of your own (for lack of better word) needs can you put on the back burner?

Full Body Scanner

2011-02-07T17:35:00.001-05:00

That's it! I am willing to put up with a lot when it came to my laptop..the noise..the slowness..its fine its ok i kept telling myself. But this was the straw that broke the camel's back..the wifi stopped working..and any blogger knows that without wifi..without net on your machine..its just a hunk of metal..who cares that you can type on it..you do not have the world at your fingertips anymore and that is simply crippling.

So i took the plunge and i am now the proud owner of a new laptop that doesn't make noise, is fast and has an integrated cam! ( yea my old one was that old that it didn't) So as i was setting up my PC and downloading all the necessary programs..skype..chrome..AVG..all the biggies...The computer i bought came with some anti-virus software and when you are first setting up the comp it keeps reminding you that you need to be protected before you go online..there is so much stuff out there that can attack your hard drive that you must be sure that the proper walls are set up.

Even before i did anything..I mean the first thing i did was install AVG and right away the program insisted doing an initial scan. I had been online a total of ten minutes maybe..maybe..and BAM its scan time. You don't know what could have filtrated into your computer during those few unprotected moments.

R' Wallerstein always says that there is a reason its call the NET. It traps us, it captures us and all our info our neshamot..our time our attention. It is a net. But we can protect ourselves from the dangers that lurk. Obviously i cannot tell people to get off when it is obviously something that i do and i enjoy the benefits that it provides..but at the same time we have to be wary when walking in this minefield. We have to do a self scan right at the beginning and throughout the time we are on. Is this malware to my life? Is this something i want to be spending time with? Is this the person i want to be?

this does not only apply to the net. it applies to anything we do. Before we take upon something new do we do a scan? Is this for me? Is this bringing me to a place that I want to be? Does it bring me closer to perfection? Before we start the day we need to do a full body, brain, and heart scan. How is today gonna make a difference? How is this day going to count? and at the end of the day...we do another scan..a cheshbon hanefesh if you will...how did i spend this day? What mistakes did i make? What positive things did i do? What can i glean from today to make tomorrow better?

So how do you check? Do you check? What detectors have been put in place? In which areas do you feel there needs to be more checking?

may any inspiration from this post be a zechut for the refuah sheleimah of ASHER BEN GOHAR

Again?!

2011-02-04T08:39:00.001-05:00

So..it happened again. I snoozed one too many times and the last time i dismissed instead of snoozing. BH i wake up at 5:55. I freak out! of course..throw some clothes on...some gum ..my phone and keys and im out the door. Thank the One Above it is a nasty day here, cold and rainy so there was no one there for the first 15 minutes so i had time to get settled an all.

It is the worst shock when you wake up and you realize that this is sooo not where you are meant to be. I mean don't get me wrong, I loved being in bed but i knew that i had to be somewhere else which didn't allow me the luxury of horizontal placement.

The same is true in life. I want/need to get stuff done but that would mean changing my current position. So instead of doing it right now..i press snooze. I push it off for just a little bit (its only 5 minutes) but the five minutes add up. In this precious life time is a valuable commodity. We cannot afford to waste time. Yet, far too commonly we do. We press snooze, again and again and again. Each time we push off doing that goal we push ourselves away from the urgency of the matter. Soon, before realizing it we press dismiss. We just cut it off our to do list completely and we go back to sleep. We go back to our daily routine that is oh so comfortable and oh so enticing.

But it happens, we jerk up! What time is it? How did it get so late? How did i manage to oversleep so much! This is not where I am meant to be now! I had plans for my life; Goals, dreams and ambitions. But we let them slip away for they seem to be too much to handle. I cannot do that right now. Just five more minutes and i will get it done..but somehow it doesn't and then, that is when we freak out!

so how do you keep yourself motivated? How do we let ourselves some wiggle room without losing sight of the goal?

Discipline is the refining fire by which talent becomes ability

2011-01-28T08:26:00.000-05:00

As always, on Thursday night the question gnaws at me..what are you posting about? the voices ask.. as i was falling into the land of nod i had a few idea yet of course now that i sit to put pen to paper..i have no blessed clue..

regardless, yesterday my extended family all took on a personal fast. A beloved member of the family is very ill, so in the zechut of his refuah shelaimah we fasted. It is an amazing thing. On a regular day,when i get hungry i must get food in me asap. I cannot concentrate. I cannot work. I get nauseous. In short, bad things happen so i make sure to get food. But on a fast day. it is different. Yes, i got hungry. But when food is not an option..you push past the hunger and do you do what you have to do anyway. Soon you get lost in your work and the hunger pains die away.

Mi'kamcha Yisrael. When it comes to my diet i am not so disciplined. The things that i want to eat but i shouldn't do not become non-options rather they become worse options yet at the same time still retaining their status as options. The only times when i really did well was when i actually mentally completely removed all that stuff as options. Only then did it work. But as long its a possibility..its a possibility ( profound i know). If i am walking by a McDonald's..no matter how hungry i may be, or how in the mood for fries i am..it is not an option. There is no internal struggle. I just walk by. I may comment on how good it smells (that's usually by a steak house not McD) or how hungry i am..but to actually walk in..NOT AN OPTION.

This leads to the obvious nekuda of your point of Bechira. R' Desller is famous for using this concept. We all have our points where we have our struggles. For a person who is recently becoming frum, the McD may be a real struggle. For a recovering alcoholic, whether or not to have that second beer is a conflict. Someone who has decided that movies are not for him, may be really tempted to zone out after a really hard day.

I think that the only way to make this thing no longer a temptation is to make it no longer an option. As free, diverse people who in our essence are bochrim (bochrim not bachurim just making that clear) we revel in the choices that modern society gives us. But as with any freedom, there lies the danger of it being abused. We have so many choices and we like the fact that we have these choices. But we do not always choose correctly. We need to limit our choices to give focus and structure back to our lives. If everything is always an option then decorum and discipline go out the window.

So how do you focus yourself? How do we limit our own freedom to become the person that we want to be? Is it liberating or limiting to put restrictions on ourselves? Is the risk worth it?How do you decide what to limit and how?

Nebach

2011-01-23T22:38:00.000-05:00

Here is today's short thought...

So as i was driving by i saw this man waiting at the bus stop. He was an obese man who could no longer walk in his own and was in a wheelchair waiting for the bus whilst reading his kindle. My first thought was nebach..the poor soul..The public transport in this city is pathetic..everyone drives..the bus comes every 45 mins...and this poor man was waiting till the bus came.

this is what occurred to me..here i was tut tutting this man who had eaten his way to immobility locking himself to a wheelchair...what the malachim must think of us as they look down at us..nebach..look at her/him..how did he manage to get himself to this point...he put himself in this position and now he cannot get out...

How important it is to make every decision that will bring us to the person that we want to be..so we dont end up digging ourselves into a hole that we cannot get out of...

anyways..that was my thought of the day...

Live Like You Were Dying

2011-01-22T20:26:00.000-05:00

On Sunday morning i was in the car and i was listening to the radio..and they annouced that they were sad to announce that Royal Marshall had passed away that weekend and then went on to list the details of the memorial service. Who is Royal and why do i care? Royal was a member of the crew of a political talk show that i listened to here and there. Royal was 43 when he suffered from a massive heart attack and was dead before he hit the ground.

It does make you stop and think. When we got to bed in the evening we assume that we will wake up. We don't go to bed making tearful goodbye to all our loved ones lest we don't arise in the morning. We know our neshama goes up to regenerate and recharge at night..but we assume that it will return to us in the morning and life will go on.

We make plans for the future. When we wake up and go to work..we think about what we are going to do when i get home...we go to the gym..we sleep in late..we don't sleep at all..we basically live our lives without giving much thought to the fact that our lives are on loan. We do not get to control when we come and when we go. Yet, we seem to ignore that little fact and live life the way we do..

I have this vivid memory of when i was in 7th grade and a girl in my class came up to me and looked me in the eye and asked me in all seriousness..."what if i don't wake up tomorrow?!" and i had nothing to answer her! I couldn't say don't worry, of course you will....how was i to know? Who knew if she would indeed wake up the next day?

It is a mitzva to say vidduy the day before he dies..but how does one know when his passing will be? It could be any moment..So we are supposed to do teshuva every moment just in case. Tim McGraw has this song that gives me chills every time i hear it...(in general i don't listen to non-Jewish music but this song is an exception)

So my question is as follows.. It sounds really nice to live like you were dying and to make this the best day ever cuz what happens if tom doesn't...but then you would never make any plans...cuz if you knew that this was your last day on this earth...

- you wouldn't go to school
- you wouldn't go to work
- you wouldn't work out
- you wouldn't sleep
-you wouldn't study...

the list goes on and on..so how does it play out logistically?
How can you live a full life and still plan for the future? Is it something to strive for? to live like you were dying? Or is it something that just sounds pretty but doesn't really make sense if you think about it?

(here's what i think..i think that in terms of spiritual concerns we should live as if today was our last..so that in case we are struck down by lightening and we aren't prepared..we aren't embarrassed..don't do anything that you may have to go back and fix later bcz the later may never appear. But in terms of worldly matters..in terms of being a physical being we have to think about the long term.. i.e. eating healthy and exercising... but that's just my opinion and want to hear from y'all)

Live in the moment?

2011-01-16T14:31:00.000-05:00

I'm sure everyone is sick of winter posts. The blogsophere has been inundated with.."what i learned from the snow" posts.. I could not bear to be left behind so here is my contribution to the cause..now that it has finally snowed and given us a week off from school and work!

It snowed Sunday night! Woohoo! It was a winter wonderland! Here when we do not get much snow any flake is cause for celebration. When it comes done fast and sticks..its a fiesta!

On the first night of the snow..we all just sat and watched..the brave and young at heart frolicked in the white downpour..We are not practiced in the study of snow. We hear about it. We saw horror pictures from the NY blizzard and we thanked our lucky stars for living in such a warm place were such a thing never happened. But then it happened. The snow fell and it STUCK! School was closed and the roads iced over. We all snuggled at home with mugs of hot cocoa and steaming tea marveling at the beauty of it all.

But at day three when there was no food in the house and we were bored out of our brains some brave souls attempted to venture into the streets..looking for food ...looking for life. But the problem was they could not move, the snow had turned to ice and there is no salt to be found..except on the tables.. So we found ourselves shoveling. SHOVELING! Never in all my born years did i think that i would find myself shoveling snow..and man its hard work. We managed to carve out a walk way to the car and back and a little bit on the driveway so the car could move..but it was only patches. As I sit here now, there lies a frozen over driveway still.

But my neighbors driveway..a completely different story. Theirs is a dream. They shoveled when it was still snow right at the beginning. When the snow was light and fluffy they had the foresight to shovel the drive way. They did themselves (and us) a huge favor!When the rest of us were sitting inside all cozy and comfy and enjoying the moment..they took advantage of fluffiness and moved it then knowing that once it turns to ice it would be near impossible to get rid of it. How right they were!

The lesson is clear! Its far too easy to get caught up in the moment and not see what the future holds. Better yet, the best teacher is experience. I know that next time we get hit with snow, we will shovel right away and have salt out asap! But here's the question. How much in life can we prepare for? When can we take the time to enjoy the moment and when must we be looking at the future? Is there a balance?

Braving the cold..

2011-01-07T08:19:00.000-05:00

It has been cold, shocker right? It is winter..so one would think that it would be cold, but where i live..we don't always experience weather according to the proper seasons..hot when its supposed to be cold, withering heat when its supposed to be lovely..anyways..

the other night it was freeezing in my room, i figured once i was all snug and tucked in i would warm up quickly.. i usually do..but somehow i woke up in the wee hours of the morning to find myself still curled up in a ball trying to keep warm, i tried extending my toes only to have them snap back into ball formation..i checked the time..2:48 (roughly) and decided it was worth it to quickly jump out of bed where it was significantly colder to grab a pair of warm fuzzy socks..and jump back in..which i did...only to realize that it was still cold. uber cold.

So i did something i never do, something that i always make fun of those skinny people who are always cold (you know who you are), i braved the cold once more in search for blankets..and with two heavy duty quilts on me..i finally snuggled in under the mountain of warmth and went to sleep.

As i was getting back into bed it occurred to me how this would be a great post! I was in bed, i was tired, i was cold and comfy; why should i foray into the world of cold and dark?

When is it worth it to leave the comfort that you have in search for more?
one of my favorite quotes

"what if what i think is great really is great but not as great as something greater?"

At what point do you say, enough is enough push yourself out of your rut and make a change to make your situation better?

Is it a question of no pain no gain? If you are trying to build muscle, until you rip that muscle its not going to grow (hence the term ripped). You are not going to do well, unless you study..but that does not always hold true for every circumstance. There are times when we are privileged, where we have been blessed. At those times we do not have to work as hard.Things may come easily to us for Hashem has blessed us, but that does not mean that we should ever expect that things should come easily.

We are here in this world to work...and work we will do...for unless one chooses death in his life and just wants stagnancy..but that's a whole other tangent.

If we want to make a situation better we have to come to terms with the fact that it is going to get harder before it gets easier. Just in my simplistic example, before i could get the blankets i had to brave the cold ( i originally searched for the portable heater but it was in use...)

So what are things that are worth the trouble? How do you determine if it is actually worth it? How do you convince yourself that you really need to do what you need to do?

and to all... A Happy New Year

2010-12-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

So this was different than normal for the simple reason that i was in a different work environment for most of the week. I had to travel nearly an hour there and back and this is not something i am used to doing. My other jobs are merely 5 mins in either direction to my house..so you could say this was an adjustment. A bigger adjustment was going from an all frum office to a completely secular non-jewish one. The verbiage that was used..the topics that were discussed..the way they spent their time...all different. The most prevalent conversation was.."so..have any fun New Year's plans?" Towards the end of the stay, one of the overly friendly..male..employees at the office started on me..

"Nu? any New Year's plans"(he obviously didn't use the term nu..)
No, not really..(cue the pity for the poor nerdy girl without plans on the biggest party night of the year..)
"Thats no fun.."
Yea well..
~end of conversation.

Now, there are many ways this conversation could have ended had i not chosen to end it right there..
a) i could have explained that I am Jewish and
1)its shabbat hence the lack of plans
2) We have our own new year which we celebrate in an entirely different manner
b) I could have asked him what his plans were..thus initiating a conversation with someone that I know is more than happy to talk...

So why didn't I explain myself?
At the moment it occur ed to me but I dismissed it for a few reasons.

Primarily, as a Jew i did not want to make a spectacle of myself. I.E. call more attention to myself besides the long skirt to the ground when everyone else is wearing pants.I am a big believer in Jewish Pride..don't get me wrong..But there is a difference between being proud of it and flaunting it. We are supposed to be a nation that espouses modesty and yes that means more than elbows and knees. It means not going around and flashing how different and special we are. Yes, we are the chosen people and yes we are like no other nation..but that is precisely why we have to remain quiet and discreet.

The second reason was that the owner is Jewish, albeit not of the orthodox variety. Whenever people ask me what the rules are..in terms of halacha i tell them what i do..as a frum jew..but then they always come back to me with a story about their jewish friend/boyfriend etc..who always did x,y,z and didn't care about the things that obviously as a frum jew are quite important..

In general I don't like making a huge statement like that. It is not proper etiquette to air out your dirty laundry..and it makes me uncomfortable telling people..yea..shes not really doing what shes supposed to be doing that's why she is doing..xyz..

Lastly, I am a big believer in maintaining appropriate distance between the sexes. In the secular world, such a concept does not exist and its hard to explain to someone who has not had the upbringing. Yet, BH i have and i know the dangers that exist when one plays with fire. Yes, I am sure that the dude was completely harmless yet i know myself and i know that i get involved and attached very quickly and i know that there is few things i like better than a good conversation....so i stay away.

So, was i correct? Are my reasons valid? What would have you done?

Your Thoughts...

2010-12-28T20:03:00.003-05:00

So I got this today on Ben Olam Haba..

Let me know what you think..

Pain.

Pain is real.

It's a message from Hashem.

No question about that.

Yet, it's still painful.

But.

Think about it.

Put it in perspective.

Pain is necessary.

To have it here...
...means not to have it there.

Which would we rather?

Think about it.

Here is a shadow of reality.

There is reality.

Wouldn't we rather have the pain in the world of shadow?

Wouldn't we rather enjoy the world of reality pain free?

Put it in perspective.

The pain here removes the pain there.

It isn't really pain at all.

~ Yes, the pain in this world is to lessen the punishment in the next, but i don't think it takes away from the pain that one has now. It is comforting to know that there is a purpose to it..does not mean it doesn't hurt..that's just my two cents.

Incompetence

2010-12-27T08:44:00.000-05:00

So as is clearly obvious, i have been messing with the look of my blog. I was getting bored and i decided it was time for a girl to move on and make some changes...So here i am..attempting...

So to blog skins i went..looking or something inspired to say the least. Something funky, something morning-y. Finally i found something that i could bear to use..yes...but it would not work with the new blogger..anyways..to cut a long story short i found myself in the foreign land of HTML. I did not have any background in this arena of computers. But i went ahead, i figured i could Google it right? there has to be blogger for dummies right? Anyways..I'm moving along pretty impressed with myself , and the progress i am making..till i get stuck on a pretty important issue. No matter how hard i tried..i could not figure out how to enable the comments. That doesn't really work when it comes to having a blog, kinda the point no? Whats a blog without comments? Like a summer without ice cream..Winter without snow...

So i sat there for hours, literally, trying i to figure it out..where does the bit of HTML go, what if i try it here..how bout there..and then at one point I remembered that i have a friend who does this for a living. She went to college to be a programmer and that is precisely what she is doing..programming. So i decided to try her, i called, emailed..called again-nothing. So I decided to move on, i saved the template that i had been messing with for so long, and again scoured the net for a skin that would do my blog justice and maybe a bit easier to adapt to...ie. something that would not take as much elbow grease so to speak...

BH, i found something that worked (and let me know what you think of the new page) but the question is as follows..
How hard and long do you have to try something until you recognize that maybe just maybe its not your forte..and that maybe as much as it hurts your ego its time to call in the professionals who know who to do it right?

Blogging isn't my entire world and I don't really spend that much time on the page..(sheepish grin) but I was a bit proud of myself for the minimal progress I had made with the original template and for some reason after making one or two things work I had convinced myself that i should be able to do this..its not that hard right?

Its important to give it a try and who knows you may be a natural at something. But it is not healthy or logical to expect that you will excel at everything. There are people who fear failure. They feel if they do not succeed then the failure will be everywhere lurking..mocking..So they do not try at all for fear of failure. This fear is paralyzing, not allowing one to move forward lest he stumbles and falls.

Yet, it is crucial for one not to let this laissez faire attitude spread. It does not mean being complacent and the first time you don't succeed well..its not my thing..and move on. Rather, we must be self aware to the extent that we know what we can do well, and what we cant. Armed with the knowledge..we can forge ahead giving every new challenge the old college try.

So where do you draw the line..between knowing what my thing is and excelling in it..and what i have no blessed clue do don't even try..and well maybe it will work and maybe it wont? When do we let the professionals come in and we stand by? and How long do we keep at? What is the breaking point? Is that giving up? Or is it being realistic?

Judge a Book by its Cover..yes or no?

2010-12-17T08:40:00.000-05:00

al tistakel be'kankan ela bema sheyaish bo

dont look at the vessel rather what is inside

It is a well known Chazal, don't judge a book by its cover. we are urged to look beyond the obvious, beyond the externals and see what lies beneath the surface. Easier said than done granted, it is something that is expected of us. We are commanded to judge our fellow favorably. When we see someone eating a cheeseburger we are to assume he has an ulcer and has no other choice. We are instructed to look past what seems to be staring us in the face and dig down deeper and see what we can find.

This concept also comes to light in the realm of Torah study. We are encouraged to delve, seek and ask. We are not to take the words at face value and accept them as such, rather to push the limits, and question every word and phrase. We don't believe that what you see is what you get, rather what you see is just the beginning of the journey.

Paradoxically, we have the idea of clothes make the man. Our outsides should reflect our insides. Every BY girl has probably heard that waaay too ofren. We are told that we are special inside and that light should shine through to our outsides. This does not only refer to clothing but to to our actions as well as everything we do.

As a Klal we are told to be careful of the perception we create for ourselves. We have the concept of "ma'arat ayin" we have to be careful that what we do does not cause people to think ill of us. This means that although what i am doing is completely alright..if it looks dodgy..we should stay away. (Within the realms of halacha of course)

My friend's phone died last night, after one fall too many it has returned to cell phone heaven. The conundrum is that it looks perfectly fine, you would never know..but try to turn it on and the lack of screen will be glaringly obvious.

So that obviously was what inspired the idea of this post. But what occurred to me was the following:

what is worse something ugly masquerading as beautiful or something beautiful hiding within the costume of something broken and torn.

There are unfortunately so many "frum" people today who simply look the part..they go through the motions, they know precisely what to do and what to say to get through without ever raising an eyebrow. Yet. inside there is darkness, there is lacking. They don't believe what they say, they are walking the walk and talking the talk but they are not feeling the feeling.

And then, there are people like my Sunday school kids. Some of them, you couldn't tell they were Jewish ever. Some of them go to schools during the week where its normal to punch out the next kid simply because that's self defense. But then they light up, their insides are pure as they strive to find some meaning in this crazy mixed up world. They don't walk the walk or talk the talk but they feel the feeling!

Too often, people like this get overlooked and dismissed. In both categories. The people who look frum, everyone assumes they are good and never bother to check if the assumption is right. Too often a FFB is faced with questions and he/she never has the proper outlet to ask so they just sit and simmer and stew..getting stronger as the years go by creating more and more toxins. The kids who have it the light hiding..if it is not fed and made stronger it only gets weaker..and dimmer..it never dies but it does get harder and harder to access the further down it gets buried beneath the shmutz of daily life.

so is one better or worse? i don't know..what do you think?

how do we reconcile these two concepts? I think the answer may be as follows. When it comes to dealing with ourselves and the choices we make in our lives we should strive as much as possible to make the two match. The goal should be to have the outside completely reflect the inside. However when it comes to others, we should look beyond and explore beyond the surface..a dig down deeper..

Now what?

2010-12-10T08:51:00.000-05:00

Now that Chanuka is over and we are back to real life, let the diets begin! Until now I kept telling myself, its chanuka its a mitzva, this is what Hashem wants from me, I am supposed to indulge in oily donuts and latkes..not to mention the carbs..(but we are not mentioning them so moving along..) the real question is..besides the calories..what else did i gain in these 8 days. Yes, I played draidle, i sang the songs, watched the lights..but did it create a lasting impression..am i the same person i was 9 days ago? Has anything changed?

The role of candles/lights/fire is quite significant in Jewish life. Every week we light the Shabbat Candles, we have havdala, in memory of a loved one, in zchut of R' Meir Baalhaness..the list is endless. During Kiddush Friday night we are supposed to gaze into the candles as they restore the vision lost during the week. This of course does not take the place of your spectacles rather it gives you a renewed sense of purpose. It is the opportunity to re-focus and see the world the way we are supposed to..with the priorities that we know we should have but maybe have jumbled up during the course of the work week.

The flame symbolizes the Jewish neshama. It is forever reaching upwards, trying to gain more, striving desperately to achiever a higher connection with its Creator. During Havdala we light the candle, signifying the work that we are about to start again. On Shabbat we take a rest from all creative work, giving absolute testimony that we are not the ones running the show, rather it is our Father our King the ultimate Creator who is the one pulling the strings. On Shabbat we experience an influx of bracha both spiritually and physically. We just have to sit back and be open to receiving. Once that is over, when we light the Havdala candle, we are taking back the reins so to say and taking back responsibility for our greatness. Hashem has just given us a downpour of potential. Now we have to take action, and actively develop it and utilize it.

Shabbat is one day, Havdala is one day..Chanuka is 8 days! We had 8 days of candles, eight days of corrective vision work, 8 days of spiritual influx. The days of chanuka are supposed to last us through Purim. Its gonna be a dark winter, a cold one and hopefully not too depressing. But we have just been given the days, the time, the tools to make it through to the next round.

But we cannot just sit back. We have to actively decide to do it. We need to take steps to be like the Chashmonaim and separate ourselves from the Greek culture that we are so steeped in. We need to try to maintain the corrective lenses we have obtained. We have shabbat to recharge every week. But we have to plug in..otherwise the battery will run out and no one likes to have a dead battery. Cant do much with it now can you?

So take this shabbat as the first step in the marathon till Purim. Recharge, connect and soar with the growth that is possible if we just take the time.