Man is an Island

There are few emotions less disheartening than loneliness. Worse than loneliness is being lost and lonely. 

We are deep withing galus. Sometimes we feel it and sometimes we don't. When life is going well, everything according to plan, we do not tend to sit and contemplate. Its those moments when you are tired, can't get a seat on the subway and its raining that we start thinking. I do anyways. 

Lately, I have felt like the proverbial wondering Jew. Without direction. My spiritual life has been severely lacking. My days are consumed with studying. The few minutes break I get, I'm inclined to do something mind numbing. Nothing that requires me to use my brain. That usually means YouTube. When I was at home, no matter how crazy my week was, I could count Shabbat as my spiritual recharge, I went to shul shabbat morning for the sermon, went to tehillim in the afternoon and a shiur before Mincha. Seudat Shlishi I caught up with my friends. Shabbat kept me focused and strong. As I'm writing I realize that may be it. That may be why i feel so disconnected and so lost. There is an intense spiritual void in my life. Unlike anything I have ever experienced before and it scares me a little.

The new semester has just started and for now the work load is not as intense. I have time to breath. Time to hang out. It sounds like a good thing. Objectively it is. But in my case it only shines a spotlight on the fact that I have no one. When I'm busy studying, its fine even good that I don't have friends to attend to. I can hide behind my notes and books. But now, the hours pass by, just me, as everyone else goes along his/her busy life. The friends i could once count on, i can still count on them to be there for me if i need them. But just to hang out, just to talk..nope everyone is busy, as they should be.

I always yearned for independence. My family can be a bit over-protective at times. I dreamed of the day i would be able to finally live on my own. Do things on my own terms. How I want when I want. I never dreamed or wanted to be this independent. I like having someone to talk to. Someone to share my day with without having to hold back. If there is anything that i have learned is that you cannot ever fully rely on any human being. We are all fallible. We all have our own insecurities, our own failings, our own blind spots. As much as we wish we didn't, we do.

The only one that I can always turn to, always, no matter how long its been, no matter the time of the day, the place..its Avinu Shebeshamayim-Our Father in Heaven. Unfortunately, most of the time He just does not seem accessible. He seems removed, G-d forbid, not real enough. We want a person, to hear us out, to comfort us, because just talking into space does not seem enough. We want more. We want a two way. The  deficiency is in us. We are the ones who are lacking. I am the one who does not believe in Gd the way I should. If I did, I would never feel alone. I would never feel forgotten or left behind. I would never feel insignificant. G-d is never too busy. He is never too tired. He is always on the same time zone. If only I could relate to Him the way I am supposed to. Sure when I'm davening and its been a particularly bad day..I'll cry my heart out..but that's what- ten minutes tops..on rare occasions. I wish I felt enveloped in loving arms, instead of feeling left out alone in the rain.

So I am making an effort. I am actively again trying to regain my spirituality. I am trying to climb the down escalator of life. Its hard and it takes faith. I'm trying. Trying to find direction and connection.