Wednesday, June 5, 2019

so it continues...

So- the un-sureness continues.  And its debilitating.

I want to stay.
I want to strike out. 
I want to make a splash.
I want to stay hidden.
I wanna say Eff it.
I want to be cautious.
I want to be an adult.
I want to revel in my youth.

I never really thought I had dreams.
I am scared to have dreams.
Having dreams I am not pursuing means I am a coward. It means I am a failure. It means that I am just like millions of others who have settled in their lives. I am just one more person that has settled for a life of mediocrity.

I am terrified.
Terrified of not living. Terrified of just passing time. Terrified of just passing this world, being-meh.
Terrified of becoming my parents. Terrified that I have lost my Judaism. Terrified that it seems to be slipping away. Terrified of becoming the cliche older single. Terrified that I no longer have the zeal for its study. Terrified that I am becoming another rote Jew. Terrified that I actually cannot summon the desire to do anything to change my apathy.

I don't know.
I am frightened.
I am crying.
I am lost.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

So, I'm BACK!

I am not sure who is left out there. I often think of the blogger world I left behind so many years ago. It was/is a place of cathartic release. I often thought about writing again. I even opened up the page, but somehow no words came out. The few friends who know about AM asked if I was writing anymore. I would shake my head sadly and say " no, not much to say." The truth is, I am not sure what I have left to say that has not been said yet. But somehow, I feel compelled to write again, so here I am.

So quick catch up. I am currently going on my third year of being a PA. THIRD YEAR! I can't believe it. I remember that moment when I found out I was being kicked out of PA school. That moment I started again. The day I graduated. The day I passed my boards. They all feel like just yesterday and a thousand years ago at the same time. I am doing what I always dreamed of doing.

Yet, somehow I just feel unsettled. Its a feeling many of my friends have described. I am thirty. I am
"supposed" to have a husband, home and family. Instead I am with roommates, apartment and decaying eggs.  I feel like I am in a hamster wheel, running in circles, never quite getting anywhere. Living an never ending ground-hog day. Wake up-gym-work-home-sleep do it all over again. Just feel directionless, aimless. I tell myself that its because I have no vacation plans. ( I have developed a significant wanderlust since we last spoke.)

The worst part is that I don't even know what it is that I want anymore. Do I want the "life" I am supposed to have? Do I want kids? I always thought I did. and now I'm not so sure anymore.  I have gotten used to the single life. I like being able to come and go as I please. I love being able to travel. I like sleeping in as late as possible.  Then I get even more confused. Are these things I am telling myself because I don't see any children in my immediate future? Am I being brainwashed from secular society? I have friends who are freezing their eggs. The rest of my friends are talking about it. And here I am, oddly content but then feeling guilty with being content like I am doing something wrong.

I always said if I was single and 30 I would adopt. Yet, here I am still living with roommates, single, never really buying anything nice, because you know you could move any moment and you don't want to invest in your single life. So we float, we go from day to day. I want to be settled, I want to be a nomad.  I want to fly. I want to plant roots. I don't know. I just do not know what the next step is. And that my friends, freaks the heck out of me. And gives me mad anxiety.

anyways, if anyone is still there

thanks for listening


Sunday, August 14, 2016

My T'sha B'av

To state the obvious its been a while.

This is the place i go to when i need help clearing my head. Somewhere where i can figure it out.

T'sha B'av the saddest day of the Jewish calendar. the day set aside to mourn all the tragedies of our people. We sit on the floor. We don't get dressed up. We stay inside because going outside means facing the sun and other people.

I count down the minutes until i can have coffee and listen to music again. This year i decided that i wouldn't listen to A Capella music during the 9 days. Something to maybe mark the days as different.

This is also the first time in the past 3 years that I actually made it to Eicha. The last two years i just did not feel well enough.

But do i feel the sadness? Do I feel the pain? Are there any emotions running through me?
All I can think about is my own drama. My own ups and downs. What will be with my life? There is nothing to distract me from my own thoughts. So I obsess like i have a tendency to do. I think and rethink and go over and over in my head what went wrong. How can i fix this empty feeling?

28 years old. Still Single. Still no one to call mine. This is my sadness. This is my whole. I know Mashiach is imminent. There is no question that he is coming soon to bring us home. But what about my personal salvation? My pain? My parents' pain? When will that come to an end?

(disclaimer- i know that my pain is petty compared to those with real suffering but that does not negate my feelings and emotions)

I recently started feeling that whole grow bigger when another close friend of mine..pulled away you could say. Leaving me to wonder..what is it about me? Why is it that people run away?

There are no answers on this day. Only questions.

We know the few simple truths,
Hashem loves me.
He watches out for me.
Everything He does is good.

I hang on to these truths to get me through the day.

But when I am sitting on the floor, and my mind is running amok with thoughts and feelings...I still feel the hurt.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Remove Your Mask!

Mishenichnat Adar Marbim we enter the month of Adar we are supposed to increase our Simcha..and as we approach Purim the joy should be contagious, palpable in the air..unless you don't have any kids in school and do not work in a Jewish environment. I have been working in the ER for the past few weeks so the purim spirit has not been pervading theme.

The one thing that I do keep hearing about are these amazing, fantastic purim bashes happening all over the city. OPEN BAR! DELICIOUS FOOD they boast.

Purim is one of those holidays when it is so easy to get lost in the details and forget what the day is actually about.

We forget that purim is the holiest day of the year.
We forget that it was on Purim that the Jews reaffirmed their acceptance of the Torah- this time without the threat of a mountain hovering over their heads were they to refuse.
We forget that the prayers with tears on this day have more power than on Yom Kippur.

I see all these parties and I understand that they have a place and the importance of making Judaism fun and enjoyable. I get that we must strengthen Jewish identity. Yet, it still leaves me shaking my head.

Purim is the holiday of my people (being Persian) I feel more connected to this day. Its one of those holidays when we feel like its more of a man's day. We, as women, have no mitzvah to get drunk and somehow that seems to become the highest regarded activity of the day.

I forget who i heard it from. But I once heard that the reasons for the masks and costumes is to remind us that nothing is as it seems. The name of Gd is not mentioned once in the Megillah. The miracle of Purim is a hidden one. We have to look for the Hand of Gd in everything that we do. In every encounter. What looks like a terrible Haman is just a mask. Look behind the mask and its just a cute little kid. He's not scary at all :)

Its too easy to blame this politician, this friend, that parent, the biker you almost killed that made you miss your light...the promotion you didn't get, the shidduch you did not yet find (i couldn't resist), the slow Internet...etc etc etc

Purim is the day when we get to ask G-d to pull off the Mask. Ask Him to show us His face. Lets be open. Straight up. No more hide 'n seek. G-d its You and me. Lets have a conversation. Let me tell you whats been going up with me. You show me Your hand. Lets be close. Lets have a connection. Not because I'm petrified of being crushed to death by Har Sinai but because I love You and I choose You! I choose Your will to be my will. I'm not gonna lie G-d its difficult. I'm telling you right now I am going to mess up, multiple times. But thats because I am human,,thats the way You made me. I need You to support me when I fall. I need to know that You will be there clapping and cheering as I try again for the umpteenth time.  I want to be connected no matter how much my past behavior says otherwise.

The key element of all the mitzvot is Bein Adam L'chavairo. So lets take of our masks when it comes to our friends too. Lets have real conversations. Discuss whats been bothering you. Let it come out. Be honest. Be open. Connect. Don't hide behind anything facades. Be brave like Ester. Be who you proud and be you and connect.

This purim lets be Real! with G-d, with our peeps, and with ourselves.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Party Hardy

So I generally like trying new things, and I don't mind checking out a new scene, because honestly, why not? You never know right? So when my roommate suggested going to a singles event in the meat packing district..i figured what the heck? whats the worst that can happen right?

So we went, and despite our efforts to be fashionably late we still managed to be the first ones in. Turns out this event is basically is just a bunch of people socializing at a bar. We all had name tags, and that was as far as the planning went. The music was too loud, the lighting non-existent. This was one of the few times in my life I was actually happy that I date via the shidduch system.

I suck at the whole socializing thing. No matter how much I try to psyche myself up and tell myself that I can do it..and that its not that big of deal..I just cant bring myself to do it. I cannot bring myself to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. So I ended up just sitting in the corner..and that's how the night about crushing to the ego...

You ever experience anything like this? Do guys hate these things also?

Thursday, January 15, 2015


I would like to humbly suggest a new phrase into the dating lexicon. We are painfully intimate with the infamous "one and done." Those dates when you come home shaking your head, wondering what the heck the shadchan was thinking. How does this person ties his own shoes in the morning? Does he know that its 2015? Does he hear himself talk? Has he heard of deodorant? etc etc etc...

But I would like to dare suggest something for the dates when you just cant get home fast enough...introducing the " One and Run." For those dates that are just so terrible, so mind numbing, soul sucking, epic fails...for those when "one and done" does not suffice...ONE AND RUN!

I was just talking to my dad, explaining to him about the special kind of hell that is dating. I have many a friend who tell me that the best part of being engaged/married is that you never have to go on a first date ever again! What a mechaya! But then again, what else would we talk about? Some of my best stories are from my dates. My most horrifying moments, my most embarrassing times, and my frankest ( having to break up is not for the faint-hearted).

But I would be remiss if I ignored the good times, the good steaks, the prizes won at Dave and Busters...the excuse to shop...all good things i guess...can't wait to look back it all fondly and say..THANK GD THATS OVER!

Friday, December 19, 2014

an oldie..but a goodie

I know this is an oldie..but a goodie! I love things like this 

Light the Flame and Watch it Glow

Happy Shabbat Chanuka! 

I went to the lighting of the "biggest Menorah in the world!" by Central Park on Tuesday night. 

It was quite the sight to be seen. 

We were standing there among the crowd and my sister and I were wondering how many of the people there where actually Jewish and how many just stopped to watch the spectacle. 

Its at events like this that you just feel proud to be Jewish and Chabad is at its best.
It is heartwarming to walk down the dirty streets of Manhattan and see men in black hats and peyot handing out Menorahs and literally spreading light. 

That is the nature of light. It only takes a little bit to dispel vast amounts of darkness. It follows then that as Jews, one of the smallest (perhaps the loudest) but still one of the smallest of the world's minorities it is our job to be a light onto the nations. 

I was recently at The Brooklyn Museum ( now that I have loads of time) and was looking at some pretty dark looking art. Paintings depicting the heart of the woods or stormy seas...but there is always some light shining in...some sparks of inspiration midst the gloom and doom. 

I was talking to someone about how insane the world is these days. Ferguson, Israel, Pakistan, just seems to be never ending...and the truth is that this is not new.  HIstory is riddled with calamity. The world is really a depressing place and history shows what a terrible place Earth can be.,.Yet at the same time, there is always the light that ultimately shines through...We can choose to focus on the light or the dark..the choice is up to us...

My sister and I were talking and she mentioned how really it is incredible what a smile can do. I try to smile at people as much as possible.. your face is reshut Harabin public property...The Mishnah in Avot (1:15) states, "Greet every person b'sever panim yafot (with a pleasant countenance). 

It makes such a difference to others and even in yourself. Studies show that you really can fake it till you make it. Smiling when you are in a bad mood really does make you feel better...(granted we don't always want to feel better and want to wallow in our gloom) 

Such an easy way to bring light to the world i think...just smile :) 

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

First Night

In honor of the Festival Lights and the tradition of  8 days of gift is the gift i would love to receive :P

Obviously there is more to Chanukah than gifts..and Gd willing I will get to the inspiration part my namesake not just the AM part 

In the meantime..if you are in the NYC area..

Lighting of the world's largest hanukkah menorah

December 16 – December 23, 2014

Grand Army Plaza

Fifth Avenue and 59th Street
Manhattan, NY 10019


NYCGO LogoGather around the 32-foot-high, gold-colored, 4,000-pound steel holiday icon at Grand Army Plaza (Fifth Avenue and West 59th Street, across the street from The Plaza hotel) to kick off the annual Jewish Festival of Lights. Lightings generally take place at 5:30pm,

Friday, December 5, 2014

Not Waiting

I think that just sums it up perfectly.

It is such a hard line. To balance between hope and expectation. I personally am constantly grappling with it. 

To go back to shidduchim..because it always comes back to shidduchim...

look forward but never wait..

How many girls do we all know that have put their lives on hold waiting to get married?
How many of our friends don't go on trips, don't make career moves...wont buy themselves jewelry, Wont spring for that nice linen...because they are waiting for when they are married? 

I cannot even begin to count how many times people have told me..."wait, you'll do that with your husband."  

I want to go backpacking across Europe- wait and do it with your husband
Skydiving- ditto 
highlighting my hair even- wait till your married (don't want to Gd forbid screw up my chances of getting married with the wrong color streaks) 
I book a ticket a few months in advance...but what if you are dating someone then? 

We all have that friend who is just sitting, waiting, doing nothing with their lives..whiling away the time till prince charming shows up. I had one such friend who BH got married this past year. I have  never been happier for anyone. She was 28..and had done nothing...literally nothing...working here and there as a preschool sub. A lot of TV a lot of the kardashians and say yes to the dress... but nothing to better herself, Her whole life she was waiting to be the doting wife and homemaker. She was waiting for someone to come rescue her from herself. To love her and protect her and take care of her...because she really is fragile and incapable. 

Ultimately I think that makes all the difference...between the ones who are single and depressed and the ones who are not. Of course, I cannot ever judge someone else and I myself have clearly had those moments when it all just seems so hopeless. But if you are living your life, doing the things that you love...Yes, we are looking forward to the day when we will have a home of our own...but till then I am not waiting around for some guy to come rescue me from my fate. 

I choose to live today and everyday...with hope not expectation; looking forward but never waiting.