goodbye

Goodbye

Its been the proverbial roller coaster. It was hot and then cold. Intense and then distant. Hours on the phone everyday and then nothing for weeks.

You were a good friend to me. You were what i needed at the time. Understood me. Helped me through difficult times. We laughed. We cried.

I was there for you. Held your hand when you needed it. Kept my distance when you told me you couldn't be friends anymore. We went through hell and back together.

You promised me that when you got married, you wouldn't disappear. I didn't believe you. But you proved me wrong. I was impressed. You were not like everyone else. This friendship really does mean something to you. When you said you were committed you weren't lying. At least initially.

Then you disappeared. Again.

This time it didn't hurt. Well maybe a little. Being ignored always hurts. But nothing compared to last time. You cannot be bothered to make a phone call, answer a text, or an email. Before you say your busy..no one is that busy. There is no one who does not have the time to text. If its important to you- you would make time. Its that simple.

Every once in a while i think about the friendship we had. The hours, the weeks, the months, the years that I invested. It makes me sad and hurt.

So I have decided that this is it. I am saying goodbye. Have a nice life. I hope that everything works well for you. I just cant care anymore.

asta lavista

whose life are you living?

We get one shot at this world.

One chance to do it right.
One chance to live out all our hopes and dreams.
One chance to see the world, experience all of Gd's beauty and Mastery.
One chance to make a difference
One chance to do it right.

So what happens when you stop living life for yourself?
When your life becomes a series of choices to make someone else happy?
Does that make you a hero?
Does that make you a martyr?
What happens when your choices no longer reflect your inner self? Your mental well being?
Is that just what being a mother is?
Is that what loving someone else is?

At the point when it is no longer about what makes me me happy..rather about what makes other people happy..

When do you cross over from being a loving daughter/wife/mother to a martyr?
What happens when you do?
What happens when you feel guilty for making the decision that will make you happy, the one you know is the best for you...because you know it will absolutely destroy those who care for you?

What do you do when you feel guilty about feeling sad/bad/mad because you know that really you don't have it as bad as others? Really your issues are not that big a deal.

Thank Gd you have people who love you,
who care about you
who want to take care of your
who support you

yet, for some reason
you just feel like crying
because you know that its always going to be someone else who gets taken into consideration before you
you know that your just going to have to suck it up..because a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do

even if it kills her inside

Prayer Request

Hey all!

Have a really important meeting tomorrow that i really need to go well. Could use all the prayers i can get.

If you have the time, please say Perek 20 seven times and Perek 54 before 2pm.

thanks so much!

unrealistic

A while ago I wrote a post about unexpecting the expected. I thought I had it all figured out. It was easy now. If you have no expectations..then you cant get hurt right? right? Someone please tell me I am right?!

Ok. Fine. Its not that simple. Its not that easy. and no it does not always work out the way you want.

For try as I might, expectations creep in. When you are looking the other way..it tip toes stealthily right into your heart. I convinced myself that I wouldn't do it this time. I will not have unrealistic expectations! I wont! Ha! Epic fail.

I have been going through something really difficult these past few weeks. Really intense. Life altering. It is times like these when you turn to your nearest and dearest for support. Those that are supposed to be the closest to you-you want them to get you. You want them to be there for you in the exact capacity that you need them to be. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work that way.

This is not to say that my nearest and dearest have been anything but supportive. They have been incredibly supportive doing anything they can think of to help. Everything, but the thing i need them to do.

It is at that moment when you realize that every relationship you have fails you. No one lives up to what you need them to be for you at that moment. When the problem is that global you have to think that maybe its me- I am the one with the problem. Having unrealistic expectations from every single relationship from family to all levels of friends...every single one leaves you feeling lacking..that sucks.

So take what you can get? Settle? I don't know.

I never thought id do this

What a month its been. More precisely..what a week it has been!

I have been put into the most difficult situations of my life. Had to make hard decisions, had to face things i hoped i never had to, the stuff of nightmares.

But the worst of it all was the moment I turned into a hypocrite. I did the one thing i swore I'd never do.

A few years ago I got hurt and that is the understatement of the century.

A close friend of mine, one who i spoke to all day everyday, one who knew all my secrets, the one i confided to, who i turned to when everything was falling apart...this close friend of mine just one day up and disappeared. She just fell off the radar, did not call, did not answer my calls or texts. Just flat out disappeared.

Three days later she texts me that she is sorry, but the relationship was too intense for her and that she cannot do this anymore. She wants us to still be friends, but we have to cool it, whatever the heck that meant.

I remember clearly that it was the night before my huge organic chemistry test. I was distraught, trying to be logical and study while i was an emotional mess, barely able to see the pages through my tears. I just couldn't understand how someone could do that. I respected her need for her space and we never truly recovered. We barely speak now.

Here is the worst part, Friday I turned around and did basically the same thing.

HYPOCRITE!!!

The whys and hows are not relevant, but for my own reasons I felt that I had to limit the extent of  friendship.  I had to do this for my own mental and spiritual well being. There is no question in my mind that I had to do what i did, yet at the same time, i feel so torn because of the consequences that would ensue. I would be causing pain to someone i care about. I would be hurting someone close to me in a very deep and lasting way.

I knew she would feel angry, hurt, frustrated and betrayed and justifiably so. I would feel the same. I would hate me too.

This is the worst, when you know that what you have to do is not something you want to do. I knew the repercussions would be awful. I knew that it would leave a mark of pain and distrust on someone I supposedly cared about. It hurts me as well. Not as much as her.

But I want her to know, that i understand, i know the pain your going through, and in no way was this an easy decision for me. I was torn then and I am torn now.

its too hard

I was sitting on the plane, and just as we touched down..it hit me. A huge overwhelming wave of confusion. I was not thinking about anything in particular. One second I was blissfully thinking of nothing, and then BAM! all these doubts, insecurities uncertainty hit me like a ton of bricks.

Pesach is supposed to be a time of redemption. We are commanded to sit and tell over the story of the exodus out of Egypt and we are supposed to feel as if we ourselves left Mitzrayim. We spend weeks cleaning our homes ridding ourselves of physical chometz and as important as that is, it is supposed to symbolize us removing our own personal spiritual chometz. Those behaviors, those habits, those choices that weigh us down...this is the time of year that is infused with that spring cleaning power.

We are supposed to have a personal redemption.

We know that only 1/5 of the Jews actually left Egypt. The other 4/5 decided that it was too hard to leave. Sure life was uncomfortable as a slave, but it was OK and they were not willing to leave. They were not willing to put in the work that was required for them to be redeemed. They were punished by death. They never did leave. They were killed during the plague of darkness.

All my life I have been really clear on my path. Once I chose a direction, i stuck with it. I am a pretty confident gal, always sure that I was making the right choice, knowing what and why and how I was planning on doing things. Self-doubt is not something I am accustomed to.

Now? Now i just don't know. I don't know what it is that I want. I don't know if what i say i want is really what i want. Is what i want to want what i really want to want? These are the thoughts that plague my mind.

The scariest thing of all, is that I kinda relate to those Jews who wanted to stay. Right now in my life, there is so much that i need to change. I have so much chometz that needs to be collected and burned. I am deep in this spiritual exile, deeper than I have ever been in. Yet, i just cant be bothered to do the work that it requires. At this point in time I just am too lazy to actually do anything about this huge cognitive dissonance I am living with.

Its just easier to just ignore the fact that anything is wrong. It is far simpler to pretend that it does not exist. I daven twice a day (for the most part) dress modestly, treat my parents with respect (ibid), keep shabbat to the best of my ability. The major players are intact. Its the the details, its the parts that are supposed to be refined that have been tarnished and I am too exhausted to get out the polish.

Just living life day to day at the moment without any thought to the future and who i want to be and who i want to be with 10 years from now. That's too much work. The present is enough for me to deal with-it is more than i can handle as it is.

What is it all about?

Its cliche i know..but there is something magical about snow. Maybe its because I am from the South and snow is a rarity there. Maybe its because snow meant no school. Whatever the reason, when i walk outside and inhale that fresh cold air, that smell that can only mean snow..that perfect temperature at which it is cold enough but not too cold for snow..it makes me..how do i put it without sounding too sappy...there is no way. it makes me smile inside.

yesterday as i was walking back from shul, it was not yet quite snowing, but you could smell it and last night i was walking in the snow. the white flakes slowly drifting down. the sense of renewal and cleansing that comes from the snow is intoxicating. When it snows, i just want to keep walking, never really wanting to go in. I want to take advantage of every minute.

Last night i went to a shiur by Chevi Garfinkle who i absolutely love. She asked a basic question, what is the purpose of life. Many answers have been given. She answered simply: relationships.

I won't go through the entire hour and half of her speech, but there are a few points that really reverberated with me.

Obviously, the ultimate relationship that we attempt to cultivate in this world as Jews is our relationship with our Father, our Creator, our King: G-d. Unfortunately, it is far too easy to get caught up with being frum that we forget what the purpose of all that we do is to cultivate this relationship with our loving Father. We wear the right clothes, go to the right schools, go through all motions but do we ever stop to think..why is it that I am doing this? What is the purpose?

She posed a really good question. Why do we say Az Yashir every single solitary day? Why not just reserve it for Pesach? We don't say the megilla everyday? Every holiday is dedicated to that time in history. Why is it that Az Yashir is said everyday. Honestly, who really finds much meaning in it anyways? Its just the thing that we say between ashrei and yistabach. Right?

You know why it is that we say it every single day? 365 days a year? In rain, snow, sleet, sunshine?
Because we are cultivating a relationship with G-d. In every relationship, it is crucial that you know how the other person feels about you. There is nothing worse than being more committed to a relationship than the other person. Its awful when you find out that your feelings are not reciprocated.

So everyday, we say Az Yashir. G-d wants there not to be even a twinge of doubt about how He feels about us. It is the ultimate love song. Az Yashir describes in detail our miraculous exit from exile. No one goes through that kind of effort for someone they are indifferent to.

We all have our different relationships. The first we ever have is the one that we have with our family, then as we get older-our friends, maybe a significant other. No matter how close we get, people are just that-people. People come and go and unfortunately there is no guarantee that any of our human relationships will always be there. People pass away, friends grow apart, marriages end. None of these connections are infinite as much as we would like them to be.

The one connection, the one relationship, the one love that will always be there for you..no matter what is the relationship we have with our neshama and by extension-with G-d.

So start investing. Start noticing the love. The snow last night made my heart sing..and the sun today..another gift. My Father showing me exactly how much He loves me. He is willing to literally give me the world, all I have to do is let Him in.
Talk to Him about my day. Tell Him was bothers me, ask His help with those difficult times.

I am lucky to have the most loving parents you could ever meet. My father always tells me that he is always here for me, all i have to do is ask and he will do all he can to help me succeed. All i have to do is pick up the phone, call him. He will move worlds for me if that is what i need. That is my human, flesh and blood father. He is limited. How much more so my Father above. He just wants to be let in. For me to talk to Him.

Chevi talked about a time she was talking in a kiruv school. One of her students asked so..
"so G-d is like your best friend"
her first response was to laugh and then to cry because she laughed.
she answered:
" He is not, but  I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to make Him my best friend"

up and down

What goes up must come down.

My ego went up and came crashing down about a week later.

Its the circle of life. The tzaadik falls seven times and he gets up again. The waves keep crashing against us, trying to knock us down as we try to progress. The waves are powerful, crushing at times. There are times when we just cant stand up against them anymore.

Life gets too hard, things get too stressful, we get too tired. We just want to just sit on the couch and veg out. and sometimes that is precisely what we need. and it helps.

Purim just passed. I heard an idea about purim that piqued my interest.

We say that we are supposed to drink till we say "baruch haman arur moredechai." blessed is haman cursed is mordechai. This kinda seems hard to understand. I have seen some guys uber drunk and even then they know that modechai is blessed and haman is the cursed one.

So, I what i heard is the following. We all do things that in retrospect we are proud of and things that we are maybe not so much proud of. Good choices and bad choices..we all make both.

We are only human. We don't always completely regret our not so good choices. It was fun after all. I had a good time, it was not thaaaat bad...
baruch haman....

the time you had actual kavana when davening and that made you late for your train, the money you spent on pesach, the time you took to help your mother when you needed to study..its all bittersweet and when we think about it, we regret doing the right thing.
...arur mordechai. 

On purim we are supposed to drink. Drink enough that we get introspective. Look inside and take an honest look at ourselves. Reallly, really, honestly, deeply look into ourselves and our intentions. We can be honest enough to say- you know im not really so bothered by the fact that i did X or that even though i know it was probably the "right" thing to do...im kinda upset that i did Y.

Life is busy, crazy, confusing, numbing, exciting, scary...and many more adjectives. Jubilant! It can be Jubilant too!We don't have the time, the luxury to indulge in thinking too much about our inner workings and motivations. We're too busy just trying to survive let alone delve into the inner workings of our minds.

We cannot be too harsh on ourselves. Our motivations will not always the best. Our choices not always top notch. But it is not healthy to dwell on these things. We only get one day a year when that is the focus-purim. Beyond that, we are too make the best of our lives that we can. If we make mistakes we brush ourselves off, do teshuva and move on.

Its all about pushing forward, when all you want to do is let the wave knock you down and stay down.

Some days will be easier, and some days..well some days you are just too darn tired to fight.

may we have more of the former and none of the latter

Simple Question

I look into the window of my mind

Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind

I step out of the ordinary

I can feel my soul ascending

I'm on my way

Can't stop me now

And you can do the same (yeah)

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

It's never too late to try

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

You could be so many people

If you make that break for freedom

What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know (there are so many answers)

Realize that to question is how we grow (to question is to grow)

So I step out of the ordinary

I can feel my soul ascending

I'm on my way

Can't stop me now

You can do the same 

Its been a while. I know. I have started my rotations. Actually just started my second yesterday. ER. Trauma. Crazy stuff. 

It has been a while since I have actually been proud of myself. Like really proud. PA school is rough on the ego. You never feel quite accomplished  You always feel like you could have done better. Studied harder. Scored higher. 

The first day I diagnosed my first ear infection correctly......one of the happiest, proudest moments of my life. I did good. Ears are really hard..and I got it right! I told everyone I knew that day..and the week after. Once I got that done..accomplished...i was so good, it was exhilarating. I finished that rotation, confident. 

Yesterday, I walked into the Emergency Room. I put on my lab coat, my stethoscope around my neck, my pen light in my pocket..all my jazz..and I walked into trauma. I do not know what the heck I am doing, talk about a deer in headlights. Today, i did a suture..on an actual human being! Im learning. I am asking the right questions..I am proud of myself. and its nice. 

I love this song "Proud" by Heather Small.At the risk of sounding cheesy.. Its so motivating. Everyday i try to ask myself this simple question " what have you done today to make you feel proud?"

Its no secret that I have been less that ecstatic about my spirituality lately. But I just could not seem to muster up the courage to make a change, any change. 

(yeah) We need a change (Yeah)
Do it today (yeah)
I can feel my spirit rising 
(change, yeah) We need a change (yeah)
So do it today (yeah)
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

But this Rosh Chodesh.. i decided enough was enough.. i made a step, tiny, but a step nevertheless. That night.. i was able to answer the question.

So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

its takka a good question

G-d-Like

As people we are created Betzelem Elokim and as such we have Gd like propensities
We can create We give and most of all we want control
We want to be in charge of our own destinies
We plan everything down to the last detail
We work hard to make our dreams, big or small, come true.

Unfortunately, we all know too well that things don't work out how we'd like. Sometimes huge.     "natural" disasters happen. Sandy hits and all of a sudden your homeless jobless and everything-less. Or you leave right on time but when you get on the train..someone has been pushed into the tracks and there is no way your are going to make it in time.

There are few feelings as awful as being helpless. Just standing there watching everything you've built, worked on, poured your sweat and tears to.. Crash and burn in front of you. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

This world is a hard balance. We know that we have free choice, at the same time we know that Gd is intimately involved with every detail of our lives. He pulls the strings, the ultimate Puppeteer.  We have the illusion of control. But in truth...we're just actors on the universe's biggest stage. We are following the script that has been written for us.

For me the hardest place to relinquish control and step back and say...this is Gd's will is with school. Through high school, school was a piece if cake. I sailed through without studying. I tutored other people. I was one of the top students in the class. Then came seminary, a little more challenging, I actually had to study but nothing I couldn't handle. Undergrad- I worked hard again but nothing too taxing. Enter PA school. I figured it would be the same, challenging but nothing I couldn't handle.

This past year and half has been the most difficult, taxing, challenging time in my life.  Living on my own, no support group, school was kicking my derrière and I did not like it. But I pulled through. Again and again, BH I made it here. I made it to my summative exam- a cumulative exam from the entire past year. I failed. Miserably  Came the remake. I failed by 1 point. At first I was fine, it's not a big deal they aren't going to hold me back, but then I got angry and then I started to cry. I was embarrassed. Truly embarrassed. I must be stupid. I can't believe that I did this. I cannot believe that this is happening.

The truth is. Easier said that done. But I know that this is Gds will. I studied appropriately.The professor could've dropped one more question. Curved the test a tiny bit more. But she didn't. This is what the reality is. I can't argue with His plan. Too many times we get caught up. Embarrassed or upset about how things turned out when reality there is nothing else we could do. We could no more change what time sunrise is than change the outcome. I prayed. My family prayed. I studied. I did everything I could. Beyond that..is beyond me. It's in His hands.

Now is the real summative Exam. How do I react? How do I move on? Do I stay the same person or do I learn from this? Do I change?

Right now Shabbat is coming, and I intend on welcoming the Queen with simcha and menucha.