What does one say? What is there to say?
I feel compelled to write about it. It almost seems flippant if I don't.
On the other hand, how does once reduce such a horrific event to words?
I was on the train yesterday, and all these people were going about their days..listening to music, playing candy crush, watching the latest episode of "Orange is the New Black" and I wanted to shout!
DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!
HOW CAN YOU JUST GO ABOUT YOUR DAY!!
but the truth is, I also had to just go about my day. I had to study I had to go to school. My life was basically the same as it usually is. Nothing really different. I couldn't afford the time to be down and depressed.
As callous as it sounds..there really wasn't much for me to do at that point and I had to do what i had to do, much to my dismay.
the other truth is that people are dying everyday. There are people of all walks of life dying from things as simple as the flu, to stage 4 brain cancer. Children dying of malnutrition and malaria. Babies dying of bacterial infections. People are trafficked, children are kidnapped, girls and boys are raped. There is spousal abuse, child abuse, elder abuse.. the list just goes on and on and on.
The truth is that the world is a terrible place. I stopped reading the news. Its too much. I cant handle. There is so much evil in the world. So much death. So much sadness. How dare I get up in the morning and watch a dumb YouTube video when right here in my own city, children don't have food to eat? when a mother sits in the hospital praying that her child opens her eyes?!
How do I dare have the gall, the audacity to complain about a difficult school schedule? How do i have the chutpzpa to complain about my precious few hours of sleep, when there are people who never sleep, people who are up all night holding the hands of their loved ones never knowing which moment will be their last?
these questions plague me. I don't know. But another truth...is that we cant possibly care. We cant live our lives in the shadows of death. It is all around us, all you have to do is watch the news.
We are biologically tuned to care more for those that we are related to.
so why did this affect me more than any other news or school stabbings or yet another story of teenage rape?
its simple, these boys are our boys, my brothers, as distant as they are from me geographically, we are all one family as cheezy as it sounds. It was my mothers birthday yesterday and i couldn't bear to tell her the news because i knew it would devastate her...and i thought she deserved one day all to herself.
but as much as I am affected by the tragedy...i still have to live my life. I still have tests to take, classes to attend, notes to take, charts to make. I don't sit shiva, I am listening to music...I am not outwardly mourning..I cant. Maybe if i was a better person i would..but right now..the ugly truth is that i have too much to do to stop my life.
The families of these boys are scions of strength and emunah. We always lament the fact that it takes disaster for the divided Jewish people to unite..but somehow it happens over and over and over again...we don't seem to learn our lesson and this history repeats itself.
Hashem please have mercy on our people, we cant seem to learn our lesson, please don't try to keep teaching it. We can't afford any more grief and loss.
May Hashem comfort the mourners of Tzion