Self- Defense

 So clearly I need therapy. 

I have a hard time putting my thoughts into actual spoken word. I have a hard time communicating my needs and wants. I have been hurting people I care about because of this. 

I thought I had hit the jackpot. 

Someone who came from a similar background to me, who understood the importance of family. Someone who would never, ever, ever make me come out; simply because she never would because of her family and kids. and we had fun. I explored parts of myself with her that I never felt safe to do with anyone else. It was supposed to be a no strings attached, casual thing. But then, it changed. It was not fun anymore. It felt like stress. She just came to tell me that she needs to walk away because I am quite literally making her ill. That I am giving her high blood pressure. She says that my actions have not matched my words. That I said I wanted casual, but acted like I wanted a relationship. 

She said that she hopes that  one day that I will learn to be honest with myself. and that she feels like its karma because she treated her last partner poorly so this was payback . She told me that she forgives me, because she knows it wasn't malicious. She tells me that i was confusing. That I mislead. 

She told me that she thought she saw a future where we could work because of her shared background and values. She said that this all came from a purely logical perspective. She told me that she thinks that we lied to ourselves, that there was real feelings there. 

I need help processing. and communicating. I don't know how to let other people into my mind. I never really had a safe space growing up to share my feelings or thoughts. I just remember being told " be happy" " its Shabbat you cant be sad you cant cry." So I've learned to swallow them, suppress them, ignore them. There is no time to be sad when you just have to keep on pushing. Emotions- FEH. 

There was the one time that I opened that can of worms up and we all know how that ended up- almost 2 years of emotional roller coaster and crying and panic attacks and stress eating to recover from it. 

She told me that she told me all these things because she believes in me as a person. and that I deserve love. and that she hopes that I do the work so that I can experience  love. 

and I have noticed that I maybe have a pattern. and that maybe I do lead people on. Not because I am malicious or a sociopath. I think that I care deeply. and once someone is in my life...I do care. and I never stop caring. I do not know how. Once someone has a piece of my heart they have it forever. So I do start new relationships saying that I cannot commit, and that I do not want a RELATIONSHIP. and then somewhere you share enough emotional and physical space and time that the dreaded feelings start to creep up on you. I am a demiromantic/sexual. I cannot do a relationship if I don't care. and I think that makes it hard to have casual/ FWB relationships...

So, I'm gonna be serious about it this time. I am gonna try and find someone. I don't want to keep hurting people.