my love 

how many letters have i written you that i dont know if u have read how many have i composed in my head, how many tears i shed thinking of you missing you 

wow, its been 4 years almost, and yet your still the first person i think of when things are hard and i need comfort, seeing you the other night and you basically ignoring me the whole night 

i tried loving someone else, i really tried but i cant because u took my heart and never gave it back, that shabbat, we had just met a few weeks earlier, you took my arm and told me you were never going to let go and that you never felt so safe, that moment lives with me always because you did let go, and i have not been able to. there is something about you that i cant explain, i always want to be with you, i always want to hear your voice i am forever linked to you as much as i want to deny it. yet, your cold, detached

but i love you and everything is so messed up, and i just want to go back to that shabbat when u climbed into my bed and took my arm and promised me forever, but i cant give you what you need and its getting too heavy too hard to carry everything inside and i find that i am having panic attacks more often 
my family is going off the rails and im sitting on the couch we made out on so many times and read together so many times listening to ed sheeran and bocelli singing perfect while i compose yet another letter to you to avoid reaching out to you and embarrassing myself even further.  

im not sure what you want from me, i dont know if your still in love with me the way i am with you, or if im just holding on to the past and idealizing it. i dont know if were both being dumb and avoiding the beautiful love that we have in front of us. i just know that when things are hard your the first person i want to call, the first person i look for when i need comfort and support. and i dont know what it is about you that i cant say no to you, you always feel like home. 

all i can think of doing is sending out a send all text " im gay happy pride " and let the chips fall where they may- EFF em all. but i cant. things are such a shit storm at home and my sister is taking the brunt of it all and i cant talk to my parents about anything. every time i think im doing well, and things are going well i get sucker punched and i just want to crawl into bed and just cry and i have not been able to breathe. my body my brain my heart are all exhausted 

i wish i could talk to you now, but u were just so cold a few minutes ago and im seeing you soon and hopefully well talk but i think im just a masochist and im torturing myself, part of me hopes that you'll check here and read this even though u promised you wouldnt but did anyways because youve always had a hard time not going through my messages and i couldnt even summon the proper amount of upset bcz its you and ill always let you pass, because its you. 

forever a cliche,forever yours 

AM

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