Welcome Back?

 You know expectations get me every time. 

You have this idea in your head, when you come back from 3 weeks away you hope people will want to see you. You think that your best friend will want to see you. But somehow since I've been back i just feel more lonely than i ever did away. 

it hits you when the only people who are excited that you are back are your co-workers- that perhaps you dont mean as much to people as you thought. I know that I may be over-reacting. I know you don't / you cant mess with cancer. So, I have to be ok with whatever she wants and needs. and now my friends just messaged that they are going out to dinner and do i want to join- but i cannot afford to. After partying for 3 weeks and being on vacation - I can't go out. 

So- i have spent the entire day at home alone, saving money on AC using only the fan. The highlight of my day was going grocery shopping. I was supposed to do dinner with someone tonight and she cancelled. So, just sitting here home alone. Watching waaay too much TV. 

You just want to be special to someone. You just want to be that person that someone will move heaven and earth to be with. Move heaven and earth just to be near you. 

But for now that doesn't seem to be on the horizon. I had it and I lost it.

thank Gd for Netflix.