Erev Yom Kippur Thoughts

 As always, I find this day heavy. Heavy with expectations. Pregnant with potential. And I often don't know how to tap into it. 

Teshuva Tefilla Tzedakka. 

Simple. Right?

I actually love the day. I love the teffilot. I love the strength of a community coming together to pray. Yet, Erev YK, I just dont know what I am supposed to be doing. Making lists of my mistakes? The one  " super small" step that I am supposed to take to be a better Jew. That small step that will bring me closer to GD. 

There is a well known concept in Judaism that tells us that being an active member of the community helps protect a person. G-d cant take away when other people who are worthy are relying on you. The problem comes when you are an older single and are not really part of any community. The problem is when your entire life you feel like you are on the outside looking in. Never quite fitting into your family, into your community, your classmates, your friend group. Always just on the periphery. 

I know that there are definitely people who rely on me. Sometimes it feels crushing. The expectation. But as a friend recently said to me - " you wouldnt have it any other way." 

Yom Kippur is such a conflicting day. It is a holiday, yet the day of " afflictions." A day where we are supposed to be separate from all physical worries and needs and just let our souls take over. A day where we pound our chests over and over and over again asking for forgiveness for things that we may or may not have done. We join ourselves with the community, always speaking in the plural- we, us. 

I have a list of things that I made in highschool of the things that i wanted to do teshuva for. Some of the things are still the same, Some I am better at. I cannot bring myself to make an updated list this year. I have never really had a conventional relationship with Gd. Not that I can say anyone really does. We all relate to Him differently. He is a very real presence in my life. I know that He is very much involved in the day to day. Whether its finding a parking spot or me forgetting my charger last night and having to turn around and pay the toll two more times. The unique challenges that He has given me. The family that I have. The intergenerational trauma that has so kindly been passed down to me. The questions I have about my own sexuality and the expectation Gd has for me when He made me this way. I have definitely relaxed my own standards on certain things much to my mother's dismay. Yet, still stubborn as ever about most things. 

so my list: 

between Gd-Me: formal prayer has never been my strength. I cannot concentrate. But I talk to my Dad all the time. I thank Him for the small kindnesses. I rail and I cry when life is hard. I beg Him to make me understand just a little bit of why He made me this way and what He wants from me. I say my Brachot everyday. I do my best to represent Him well in the world. I am not great at the details. I dont always remember to say a blessing at the end of eating. I have allowed myself to be more and more involved in secular culture. 

Between me and my fellow human:  I am not sure if this is the right category- but i have gotten better about giving tzedakka since covid started. Even when i was not working I set up a few different accounts that automatically donate. it may not be the required 10%. Gd gives and we dont take anything with us that we dont give away. 

Between me and me: I have worked on being kinder to myself. I have worked on putting boundaries. I am getting better at saying no when something does not work for me. I have also started cursing more easily which was something that I specifically worked on pulling back from during this last week. I just becomes so hard when everyone around you does. I gave therapy a try again. Went a while doing a lot of self-help books which were great for a bit - but then got too intense and it just felt too heavy. 

easy and meaningful day to all