To state the obvious its been a while.
This is the place i go to when i need help clearing my head. Somewhere where i can figure it out.
T'sha B'av the saddest day of the Jewish calendar. the day set aside to mourn all the tragedies of our people. We sit on the floor. We don't get dressed up. We stay inside because going outside means facing the sun and other people.
I count down the minutes until i can have coffee and listen to music again. This year i decided that i wouldn't listen to A Capella music during the 9 days. Something to maybe mark the days as different.
This is also the first time in the past 3 years that I actually made it to Eicha. The last two years i just did not feel well enough.
But do i feel the sadness? Do I feel the pain? Are there any emotions running through me?
All I can think about is my own drama. My own ups and downs. What will be with my life? There is nothing to distract me from my own thoughts. So I obsess like i have a tendency to do. I think and rethink and go over and over in my head what went wrong. How can i fix this empty feeling?
28 years old. Still Single. Still no one to call mine. This is my sadness. This is my whole. I know Mashiach is imminent. There is no question that he is coming soon to bring us home. But what about my personal salvation? My pain? My parents' pain? When will that come to an end?
(disclaimer- i know that my pain is petty compared to those with real suffering but that does not negate my feelings and emotions)
I recently started feeling that whole grow bigger when another close friend of mine..pulled away you could say. Leaving me to wonder..what is it about me? Why is it that people run away?
There are no answers on this day. Only questions.
We know the few simple truths,
Hashem loves me.
He watches out for me.
Everything He does is good.
I hang on to these truths to get me through the day.
But when I am sitting on the floor, and my mind is running amok with thoughts and feelings...I still feel the hurt.