Sunday, August 14, 2016

My T'sha B'av

To state the obvious its been a while.

This is the place i go to when i need help clearing my head. Somewhere where i can figure it out.

T'sha B'av the saddest day of the Jewish calendar. the day set aside to mourn all the tragedies of our people. We sit on the floor. We don't get dressed up. We stay inside because going outside means facing the sun and other people.

I count down the minutes until i can have coffee and listen to music again. This year i decided that i wouldn't listen to A Capella music during the 9 days. Something to maybe mark the days as different.

This is also the first time in the past 3 years that I actually made it to Eicha. The last two years i just did not feel well enough.

But do i feel the sadness? Do I feel the pain? Are there any emotions running through me?
All I can think about is my own drama. My own ups and downs. What will be with my life? There is nothing to distract me from my own thoughts. So I obsess like i have a tendency to do. I think and rethink and go over and over in my head what went wrong. How can i fix this empty feeling?

28 years old. Still Single. Still no one to call mine. This is my sadness. This is my whole. I know Mashiach is imminent. There is no question that he is coming soon to bring us home. But what about my personal salvation? My pain? My parents' pain? When will that come to an end?

(disclaimer- i know that my pain is petty compared to those with real suffering but that does not negate my feelings and emotions)

I recently started feeling that whole grow bigger when another close friend of mine..pulled away you could say. Leaving me to wonder..what is it about me? Why is it that people run away?

There are no answers on this day. Only questions.

We know the few simple truths,
Hashem loves me.
He watches out for me.
Everything He does is good.

I hang on to these truths to get me through the day.

But when I am sitting on the floor, and my mind is running amok with thoughts and feelings...I still feel the hurt.



10 comments:

  1. I was actually wondering how you were doing the other day. :)

    I was thinking the same thing yesterday. I felt as though my own (single) tribulations were so small in comparison to the persecution, torture, and death our ancestors suffered through. And I felt puny and guilty.

    But pain is pain. Perhaps a way to give that pain purpose is to use it to connect to the pain of our forebears. Did they feel abandoned and lost? I'm sure it occurred to them.

    Yet we still see the Eibishter. He is our Rock, even when friends forsake us and we think "Is it me? Am I so unlikable? What did I do wrong?" No matter what we do He'll still be there. That matters more than any other unreliable human connection.

    ReplyDelete
  2. http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2016/08/the-power-of-thanking-hashem.html

    ReplyDelete
  3. http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2016/07/how-did-reform-rabbi-become-orthodox-jew.html

    ReplyDelete
  4. Can Jews learn something from Captain Kirk?

    Captain James T. Kirk said:

    “We do not negotiate with those who
    threaten our lives or the lives of others.”

    SOURCE: Star Trek: Savage Trade (chapter 17, bottom of page 303) by Tony Daniel, year 2015, Pocket Books, New York, ISBN: 9781476765501 ISBN: 1476765502

    PLEASE help SUE the terrorists in court:

    www dot IsraelLawCenter dot org

    www dot TheLawFareProject dot org

    THANK YOU!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Rabbi Yisroel Reisman [an Orthodox Rabbi] spoke out against those Jews who plan their vacations for locations like: Switzerland, France or Italy where the people hate Jews.

    [He said:] It would be better to visit the Land of Israel to benefit from its holiness and help our brothers economically.

    SOURCE: Flatbush Jewish Journal, 2010/6/17, page 32

    ReplyDelete
  6. DID YOU KNOW…

    In South Korea, it is considered good manners to acknowledge an older person by standing when that person enters a room.

    SOURCE: Business Etiquette Third Edition (page 174) by Ann Marie Sabath, year 2010 CE, Career Press, Franklin Lakes, New Jersey

    ReplyDelete
  7. **** CHRISTIAN ORIGINS OF NAZI LAWS ***

    “In most places in which anti-Jewish laws were promulgated, they were not revolutionary concepts, but merely a return to the legal regime that had only recently been replaced.

    As historian Raul Hilberg has demonstrated, the anti-Jewish laws passed by the Third Reich and its allies all had clear precedents in church law.

    Indeed, almost every anti-Semitic provision passed by the various church councils and synods throughout the centuries found new life in Nazi legislation.

    While the Nazi-era laws had a new, racial justification, they fit neatly into a preexisting space in the European imagination.”

    SOURCE: Standing With Israel (chapter 1, page 30) by David Brog, year 2006, Charisma House Publishers, Florida, ISBN-10: 1591859069 ISBN-13: 978-1591859062

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mr Cohen, I hope you one day choke while spouting your stupidity. Why you think anyone wants to read your crap is beyond me. DIE TROLL, DIE!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2016/09/boo-hoo-palestine-by-pat-condell.html

    ReplyDelete
  10. Please read this-pro-Israel article:

    http://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2016/09/patronising-palestinians.html

    ReplyDelete

you know what to do....