So, I'm BACK!
I am not sure who is left out there. I often think of the blogger world I left behind so many years ago. It was/is a place of cathartic release. I often thought about writing again. I even opened up the page, but somehow no words came out. The few friends who know about AM asked if I was writing anymore. I would shake my head sadly and say " no, not much to say." The truth is, I am not sure what I have left to say that has not been said yet. But somehow, I feel compelled to write again, so here I am.
So quick catch up. I am currently going on my third year of being a PA. THIRD YEAR! I can't believe it. I remember that moment when I found out I was being kicked out of PA school. That moment I started again. The day I graduated. The day I passed my boards. They all feel like just yesterday and a thousand years ago at the same time. I am doing what I always dreamed of doing.
Yet, somehow I just feel unsettled. Its a feeling many of my friends have described. I am thirty. I am
"supposed" to have a husband, home and family. Instead I am with roommates, apartment and decaying eggs. I feel like I am in a hamster wheel, running in circles, never quite getting anywhere. Living an never ending ground-hog day. Wake up-gym-work-home-sleep do it all over again. Just feel directionless, aimless. I tell myself that its because I have no vacation plans. ( I have developed a significant wanderlust since we last spoke.)
The worst part is that I don't even know what it is that I want anymore. Do I want the "life" I am supposed to have? Do I want kids? I always thought I did. and now I'm not so sure anymore. I have gotten used to the single life. I like being able to come and go as I please. I love being able to travel. I like sleeping in as late as possible. Then I get even more confused. Are these things I am telling myself because I don't see any children in my immediate future? Am I being brainwashed from secular society? I have friends who are freezing their eggs. The rest of my friends are talking about it. And here I am, oddly content but then feeling guilty with being content like I am doing something wrong.
I always said if I was single and 30 I would adopt. Yet, here I am still living with roommates, single, never really buying anything nice, because you know you could move any moment and you don't want to invest in your single life. So we float, we go from day to day. I want to be settled, I want to be a nomad. I want to fly. I want to plant roots. I don't know. I just do not know what the next step is. And that my friends, freaks the heck out of me. And gives me mad anxiety.
anyways, if anyone is still there
thanks for listening
AM
I am not sure who is left out there. I often think of the blogger world I left behind so many years ago. It was/is a place of cathartic release. I often thought about writing again. I even opened up the page, but somehow no words came out. The few friends who know about AM asked if I was writing anymore. I would shake my head sadly and say " no, not much to say." The truth is, I am not sure what I have left to say that has not been said yet. But somehow, I feel compelled to write again, so here I am.
So quick catch up. I am currently going on my third year of being a PA. THIRD YEAR! I can't believe it. I remember that moment when I found out I was being kicked out of PA school. That moment I started again. The day I graduated. The day I passed my boards. They all feel like just yesterday and a thousand years ago at the same time. I am doing what I always dreamed of doing.
Yet, somehow I just feel unsettled. Its a feeling many of my friends have described. I am thirty. I am
"supposed" to have a husband, home and family. Instead I am with roommates, apartment and decaying eggs. I feel like I am in a hamster wheel, running in circles, never quite getting anywhere. Living an never ending ground-hog day. Wake up-gym-work-home-sleep do it all over again. Just feel directionless, aimless. I tell myself that its because I have no vacation plans. ( I have developed a significant wanderlust since we last spoke.)
The worst part is that I don't even know what it is that I want anymore. Do I want the "life" I am supposed to have? Do I want kids? I always thought I did. and now I'm not so sure anymore. I have gotten used to the single life. I like being able to come and go as I please. I love being able to travel. I like sleeping in as late as possible. Then I get even more confused. Are these things I am telling myself because I don't see any children in my immediate future? Am I being brainwashed from secular society? I have friends who are freezing their eggs. The rest of my friends are talking about it. And here I am, oddly content but then feeling guilty with being content like I am doing something wrong.
I always said if I was single and 30 I would adopt. Yet, here I am still living with roommates, single, never really buying anything nice, because you know you could move any moment and you don't want to invest in your single life. So we float, we go from day to day. I want to be settled, I want to be a nomad. I want to fly. I want to plant roots. I don't know. I just do not know what the next step is. And that my friends, freaks the heck out of me. And gives me mad anxiety.
anyways, if anyone is still there
thanks for listening
AM
Thanks for sharing - I am a couple of steps behind you - but already have had some parallels such as hiccups with my career.
ReplyDeleteChag Samaych
Welcome back! Glad you found words again.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you’re still in this place, but happy for you you have this outlet. Sharing all this stuff, especially with people who think they’re the only ones feeling like this, can be super helpful.
Here’s to you finding your way off this roller coaster ride. Sometimes it’s as simple (but not easy) as some self reflection and the leg work of figuring out who you really are and what you really want.