2/27/20

I fucked up. 

I had been looking forward to last night for so long. I planned the outfit. I shopped especially for this. I did my nails. I planned every detail on the off chance that we saw each other,  you would be wowed by me. 

and you found me! amongst the throngs you somehow found me. and you didnt let go of me. it was like nothing had ever changed. we danced. we held each other close. and when the evening was over, i let you go. i was on a high. and i was proud of us. 

but then i fucked it up. 

i got it in my head that you wanted to see me come over. i was impulsive. i knew i shouldnt. but based on how the previous hour had gone, i assumed you felt the same. i was wrong. 

and i know that i need to apologize. i didnt respect your boundaries last night.and because of that, i felt again one of the many. and i dont ever want to feel like that again. i deserve more than that . when i was driving over ever single light turned green for me, felt like it was a sign of sorts. leaving, the ultimate walk of shame, every single light was red. i was stopped at every point. 

i was there with you and i just wanted to cry. i didnt like this. and the worst part is that i did it to myself.  

i deserve to be somebody's everything. i used to be yours. but you wanted more, so now im just something. 

i have to respect myself. i have to recognize that my choices have consequences, and i may have dragged us backwards. maybe we can just pretend it never happened. 

i did go to my boxing class, on zero sleep. 

lets see what the day brings