Groundhog Day

 So I was listening to this podcast that talked about stress cycles with Emily and Amelia Nagoski. They talk about burn out and how when we do not complete our stress cycles that is when we end up walking around with the stress which in turn leads to burn out. For some it may be the crying, the letter you never send, the burning of the photos..whatever it is. 

So this is me trying to complete my stress cycle. and who ever is reading this and is tired of me talking about the same thing over and over again, you are welcome to click next. 

I have so many things that I want to say. So many. and I think that at some point it feels like an endless cycle. saying the same things over and over again. the same conversation. like groundhog day. its amazing. and part of me feels like, every time it happens I feel less hurt and more angry. I guess that's progress. 

So you show up, at my office. You say that you've been trying to stalk me. That you have so much you want to say to me. We take a walk. You read me an email that it you have been editing for over a month now. and the email is beautiful and thoughtful. You tell me you'r selfish, You don't deserve me. That I have given you impossible high standards. That I am impossible to get over. You tell me that you want us to be together in a healthy way supporting each other. To be people that better each other who work on their own goals as well as growing together. You tell me that you're broken. You tell me that you cant listen to music anymore. The radio is ruined. TV/ movies with songs we used to sing together have been ruined for you. The person you're with now knows you're hung up on me. 

You say all those things that I want to hear. and I believe them. I believe them because you have never lied to me. I believe them because I want to believe them. I have to go back to work. I text you that I want to continue the conversation later. You reply- whatever you want. I finish my work day, I come to talk to you ...not tonight you know how I get when im tired. I am not thinking right. 

So I drive home, and at first I feel bad but then im FUCKING PISSED. Im mad, because you clearly went out of your way to come see me, and then when I come to finish the conversation, you completely blow me off.  and then you text me back the same trope- I don't want to hurt you, I am sorry. 

I FUCKING HATE IM SORRY. Don't tell me you'r sorry. Not when you know exactly what you did. you know how your actions will hurt me. you know that I hate when you do this. and you know, YOU KNOW how much I hate- " Im sorry." Then you continue with " I don't deserve you, block me." 

why do you do this? what is it that you're scared of? why wont you talk to me. why do you keep playing games? all my friends say that you're selfish, and that you're playing with me. But I know better, ive seen how loving you are. I've seen you show up for me. Be there for me. I know you better than anyone. I know you better than you know yourself. 

I know that I am part to blame, I keep playing the game. I keep letting you back in. I know your heart. I know how beautiful it is. How open it is. I know you. have been hurt by your family. I know people have left. I know that stability is hard for you. 

I'll never forget when you told me that you never had a reason to come back to NY before and now thats all you can think about even when your traveling to far flung parts of the world. I was your home. You were mine. and I have been homeless for a long time now. I am trying to build my own. home in me. It isn't easy. Its actually one of the hardest things I have ever done. it means putting up boundaries.. It means learning to love myself. It means learning to trust myself.

I bought a lot of books to help me. You would approve. I even had to get a new bookcase. 

I love you so much. I don't think that there will ever be a day when I don't love you. 

I have to start on working on loving me. as basic as that sounds.