Muddling Through the Gray
There is Black. There is white. Black and white are simple and clear cut. It is right or wrong. Clean or dirty. There is nothing complicated in that. The decisions are easy to make. The execution may be difficult but the decision, the decision is easy.
It is the grey areas that are complicated. Its the things that we don't know for sure that confuse us, surprise us and tear us apart inside. Not everything in life has rules written out, some things we have to figure out on our own. There are rules. There is mutar and assur. But the in between areas leave us asking questions. Some things we have heard from those that we respect that its not suggested. But what about the things that are not out there? The things that are not scripted for us? How do we know if its right or wrong? How do we know what to do if thee are no rules?
The people we look up to say a lot about us. The people we hang out with are very telling about the people we are and the people we want to be. We naturally want the approval of those that we care about. We respect our close friends, so naturally respect their opinion. We run things by them and we discuss and weigh things out with them.
So here is my thought. When things come up that we cannot define as black and white, when we have to decide yes or no...we should think about the people that we respect. Can I tell my friend what I am doing without being embarrassed? Will she be OK with this? If the answer is yes, then chances are that it cannot be all that bad. But if the answer is no, she won't be OK with it, I am embarrassed to tell her..then chances are that its not the best idea.
So what do you think? How do you decide? Do you trust your friends to help you get through the dark times? Who do you turn to help you muddle through the gray?
It is the grey areas that are complicated. Its the things that we don't know for sure that confuse us, surprise us and tear us apart inside. Not everything in life has rules written out, some things we have to figure out on our own. There are rules. There is mutar and assur. But the in between areas leave us asking questions. Some things we have heard from those that we respect that its not suggested. But what about the things that are not out there? The things that are not scripted for us? How do we know if its right or wrong? How do we know what to do if thee are no rules?
The people we look up to say a lot about us. The people we hang out with are very telling about the people we are and the people we want to be. We naturally want the approval of those that we care about. We respect our close friends, so naturally respect their opinion. We run things by them and we discuss and weigh things out with them.
So here is my thought. When things come up that we cannot define as black and white, when we have to decide yes or no...we should think about the people that we respect. Can I tell my friend what I am doing without being embarrassed? Will she be OK with this? If the answer is yes, then chances are that it cannot be all that bad. But if the answer is no, she won't be OK with it, I am embarrassed to tell her..then chances are that its not the best idea.
So what do you think? How do you decide? Do you trust your friends to help you get through the dark times? Who do you turn to help you muddle through the gray?
Being a Lubavitcher, I will write in to the Rebbe before making important decisions. Besides that, i trust no one. I'll admit its a bad thing, but I have unfortunately been 'burnt' too many times conferring with someone i had until that point trusted. I Imagine myself as someone else and have them go through that situation, and see how it goes.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...this has been on my mind for a while so I'm happy you brought it up. In general, I trust my family and friends, and those I respect. And usually, I DO run things past them or think about their reaction to the things I am doing. However, recently, I have come to the realization that this might not always be healthy. Especially in my case, when 90% of my friends are way "frummer" than me. Most of the things I do they wouldn't condone and every time I ask for their advice I KNOW that they won't approve. But does this make what I am doing inherently bad? I don't think so. For the sake of a silly example, just because my friend is against wearing colors, does that mean that I should not? I have yet to find someone I respect and look up to that I would say is in my range of frumkeit. Until then, I have to find my way on my own. (Still though, I must add, I ask my friends for their opinions because it happens very often that when someone speaks the emet (truth), it resignates as so and I know that that is the right path for me. I think gathering opinions (in some cases this does not apply) is healthy when YOU are the one to make the final decision in the end. Thanks for letting me express that and taking up half of your blog page. Whew! :)
ReplyDeleteProf- Shame man! Sorry you got burned, thats gotta hurt man. Hope you find friends who you can trust completely.
ReplyDeleteFeisty- I think you touched on an important point. you do need to know who you are asking. They have to be someone within your sphere of religiousity. But at the same time, i think its good to have someone slightly higher on the ladder than you are, so you have what to aspire to. I mean, you don't want your Rav on the same level as you right? You should be able to relate to him, and feel comfortable with him, but you want him knowing more and being more than you right?
I BH have great friends who i definitely could trust. Its simply that because Ive been burnt I choose not to.
ReplyDeleteRe. the Rav thing, i think he definitely has to be higher. He is the Rav, not a friend. Someone to look up to, not look at. Obviously, he has to be in ur 'range' so u can relate, but yah.
its a fine line. But with friends and mentors its always a good idea to surround yourself with people who inspire you to grow and gain new spiritual heights
ReplyDeleteOne of the wisest men I know told me -when I came to him for counsel and direction regarding a confusing and tumultuous decision of mine -that advice isn't about being told what to do, it's about getting a more experienced and knowledgeable perspective.
ReplyDeleteHe told me that he cannot make a decision for me, he cannot tell me what is right or best for me. Nobody can, only The Almighty is omniscient. But he can show me what he has learned through his own life experience, to grant me the benefit of his wisdom. Then, of course, what I do with that wisdom and understanding is my choice alone.
And then he gave me the gift of his wisdom and life experience. Lessons he learned the hard way that I now carry with me, and hold dear. Time and time again his wisdom (and that of others I have gone to for their wisdom, experience and understanding) has served me well. Wisdom that I pass on, along with that of my own life experience, when someone asks me for advice (and I feel equipped to give any).
I believe in owning my life experience. When I'm in an unclear situation, it will always be my choice, and I bear the consequences. The point, always, is for me to learn and grow.
I think if we do that, and pass on our wisdom as well as the wisdom of our Fathers, mentors, Rabbanim and countless others that has served us well, we can give someone ages of valuable experience.
The choice, of course, is theirs. Either way, the hope is that they learn and grow.
Aminspiration, I hear what you're saying but unfortunately, I do not fall into any known sphere of religiosity. I guess you could say I'm all over the place. Therefore, I have not yet found my token mentor who I can look up to. In essence, I look up to everyone, and there is a reason I surround myself with friends who are, for the most part, a lot frummer than me. It's because I know the power of one's surroundings and the effect it can have on a person. Unfortunately, though, because there is such a large gap between who I consider myself to be and who I consider my friends to be, it is hard to completely internalize their advice. Because I know that they would tell me or atleast like to tell me, "no, you can't do that! It's assur!" When to me, it's not assur, it's gray, like you said.
ReplyDeleteBut Ish Yehudi, I like what you said about true advice not being about what you SHOULD be doing but rather just sharing a clearer perspective on life stemming from past educational experiences. That is why I keep my friends around; they know where I am and don't necessarily tell me what to do when I tell them my dilemmas. Rather, they tell me what they know from past experience and stop there (well the ones I value at least.) Thanks for pointing that out; it makes me love the incredible friends I have even more. :)
Feisty- Please call me AM :), it can be hard when your spot is not clearly defined but truth be told, who really fits into boxes and labels? It is a life time avoda to find out who we are and what we need to be working on.
ReplyDeleteIsh Yehudi- beautifully put! we need to take responsibility for our actions and not allow our selves to place the blame on others for the consequences of our decisions and our liI believe in owning my life experience. When I'm in an unclear situation, it will always be my choice, and I bear the consequences. The point, always, is for me to learn and grow.
That's a good question.
ReplyDeleteIt's so important to have a rav/rebbe but most girls do not have one. That's the good part of having a husband's rebbe who you can ask! But seriously, I wish there was a way to get girls hooked up with someone who can really answer their hashkafa questions about the gray areas...