Acceptance

I got in! After years of working and after months of praying..it actually happened…I GOT IN!  I still find it hard to believe and it still makes my pulse quicken when I think about it.  I keep thinking…thank you Hashem! I take no credit for this accomplishment. This is all Him.

I was wondering what it was that made me think this way.  I mean I have worked hard for this. I have spent many sleepless nights studying, practicing and reviewing. Countless of cups of coffee and hundreds of pretzels later..I finally achieved my goal. So why don’t I feel a sense of accomplishment? Well people say congrats I say thank you, but I don't feel like it has anything to do with me. It is a "matnas chinam." 

The truth is that we do not deserve anything we get. What have we done to deserve life? A home? Beauty? Intelligence? When Moshe was davening to get into Eretz Yisrael he used the lashon of "v'etchanan." He davened so many  times until Hashem told him to stop davening for otherwise Hashem would be forced to let him in and that would not be a good thing. Moshe Rabeinu spoke to Hashem face to face. He brought about plagues, split the sea and was the most humble person ever. There will never be another like Moshe for all of eternity. He, he, davened, asking for a gift. He prayed and prayed never asking because he deserved it but rather as a gift, as a favor from the King of Kings. If that is the way that he prayed..then how do we ever have the audacity, the chutzpa to ask for things as if we deserve it?!

We forget that things are not in our hands. We forget that its a play. We are merely puppets in the hands of  the Master Puppeteer.  We are supposed to do our hishtadlut. We are supposed to spend the hours studying, dating and working out.  But at the end of the day, we are not the one who calls the shots and somehow I think that concept gets lost in the hours of studying. When we do well, we laud ourselves for studying well, and maybe then we mutter a "thanks G-d" and move on. 

We are told that davening is not for Hashem. He doesn't need anything from us. Davening is for us. It allows us to connect to Hashem on a real level. It gives us a sense of perspective. 

So why did I feel like my acceptance had nothing to do with me? I believe its because I davened. Everyday, twice a day, I davened. From the day I overnight-ed my application (yes,i procrastinated that much) through my interview right up until the day I got my acceptance letter. Now, I say thanks everyday. The more we pray and turn to Him, the more we see that everything comes directly from Him. That's why Moshe, on his level asked for it as a present. He was that close to Hashem, that he knew that nothing comes to us because we are deserving, it only comes because Hashem decided it was good for you.