It's Not Easy

Things tend to play out differently then you expected. Life is funny like that. We have these dreams and ideas of what will be.
We think we know ...
Exactly what kind of person we want to marry
What kind of person we want to be when we grow up
Where we want to live
How we want to live

We have dreams and aspirations of what the future holds. Its good. We should aspire. We should dream. We need to have some kind of road map.

But happens on those days when you just feel lost? What happens to those days when the floor just falls out from underneath you? Those days when you realize that this is not the life i dreamed for myself. How did I get here? Where ever here may be...

Sometimes we get to the place we've always wanted to get to..and we just can't believe that we made it here! How in heaven's name did this actually happen?Sometimes we are plagued with self doubt. I always said this is what I want to do..can i really do it? Am I good enough?Is everyone else better than me? Is this a cruel joke? Really..one day they are going to call me into the office and tell me they made a mistake and actually..actually we really don't want you here..

Ever feel like that?

Ever feel like this just cannot be it! This cannot be what I was wishing for..because it definitely doesn't feel dreamy. I hate feeling like this. This pit in my stomach that just wont go away. The pit that tells me that I'm failing. I'm not good enough. The pit the just gets deeper because each passing day it gets worse. They say all beginnings are hard. Granted. But isn't supposed to get better? Isn't it supposed to become more comfortable? More Natural?

Ever have the feeling that I can't believe I'm going down this road AGAIN! How could that be? I fought this battle ... I won this war..why is He testing me again!? It was murder the first time around. I'm out of practice and I just don't have the energy to train again. I cannot muster the strength to fight it again. Its so much easier to just give in. It is so much easier to let things go..just go with the flow...

But I CANT! I can't go with the flow. Because I have this pit in my stomach. I have this pit telling me that this is going no where good and if I know what's right..I'll run..run fast ...in the opposite direction.

But where to get the vigor to push through this fog? Who will hold my hand while I try to figure it out? My normal resources have been used up. The ones i relied on till now are just not there. So where do I turn?

I know the right answer. I've said it so many times. I should turn to Hashem. He's there . He'll hold my hand. But honestly..I'm not there. I wish I was. I'm not. Sometimes it takes things time to travel from your head to your heart. This one is taking its time hanging out in my head. Maybe because I don't want to let it come in. Maybe I am doing things that wont let it in. It may be entirely my own fault. My own actions may be keeping this one thing that would save me such tzaros into my heart.

I don't know. I used to know things. I used to be confident in my knowledge. But the self doubt has always been there. Always lingering in the shadows. I've learned to suppress it. But it lurks..waiting for moments like this.. hours...days..weeks..like this. And then....then when it knows I'm at my weakest...it pounces..

These feelings of self doubt and exhaustion are the work of the Yetzer Hara. He doesn't make it any easier to  get through the dark patches. He blows out the match as soon as we manage to light it. He makes it seem impossible to get beyond the hell that is now. That's his job. If we are busy drowning in our sorrows..we wont be paying attention to silly things like growth and repentance. We won't be taking advantage of the fact that we have a tremendous chance in these few days to turn ourselves and our year around. We are far too busy feeling sorry for ourselves to do anything real.

So now..for now at least for tonight...I will nurse my aching soul with some coffee and music...maybe some studying..

All we can do is take it day by day. All we can do is make this the best hour that i can..and eventually...it will be the best year we can have..

Be blessed