Indifference

in·dif·fer·ent   
[in-dif-er-uhnt, -dif-ruhnt]

adjective
1.without interest or concern; not caring; apathetic: his indifferent attitude toward the suffering of others.

2. impartial; disinterested.

3.neither good nor bad in character or quality; average; routine: an indifferent specimen.

4.not particularly good, important, etc.; unremarkable; unnotable: an indifferent success; an indifferent performance.


Indifference is scary. To be so apathetic that nothing matters anymore is ironically quite pathetic. I think I realize what (one of ) my issue  is. I've given up. I'm indifferent. I am no longer passionate about growing about becoming closer to Hashem. The details, the aidelkeit- the refinement of Judaism that I worked so hard to learn appreciate and to some aspect achieve is lost. I'm back to the bare bones. I daven when I'm supposed to and wear the right clothes but I've lost the sense of delicacy and refinement that is so seminal to growth of a Bat Yisrael. I've become crass, blunt and I don't care.

That's what scares me the most. What will become of me.?!! Right now I'm so flippin scared that I may somehow end going off not out of anger or resentment but simply out of indifference out of boredom. Nothing interests me. I find meaning in nothing. It all seems like a big waste of time. Even school that i worked so hard to get to and so much harder to stay in...doesn't have any meaning for me.

I don't know what went wrong. I know a few things that changed that cud have made an impact

My spirituality at the moment probably compares to the Jews right before they left mitzrayim. If not worse. I am a cesspool of tumah- I ooze impurity and I don't have the energy to fight it. Judgment day is around the corner. Have I done a blessed thing in preparation? Have I changed anything?!! Have I even began doing teshuva?! Nope! I'm probably worse than ever. I'm a Yetzer Hara victory. He got me good and I know I should try to resist I know that this is probably part of his tactic - wear me down till I have no fight left in me. It worked. It's really scary. I really think I've given up. I have resigned myself to this fate.

I'm a complete weakling. No physical or spiritual strength. I used to be strong. Physically, my biceps were impressive. Spiritually, I was a rock. That was the old me. Now..i can barely keep it together.

I know what it is that is happening and I know all the speeches and etc. I know it all!!  I have head and read it all. Well not all thats not possible, but I've heard and read a lot. That's what makes it so flipping

I've lost all sense of discipline dedication devotion the three Ds

Right now im trying to summon the energy to fight back. Somehow i think it may take more than a cup of coffee.

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 2, 2012 at 2:17 PM

    No comments on a post like this?!

    As a fellow grad student I understand how you're feeling. It's so hard to balance the pressing demands of school and life and not relinquish any of our spiritual restrictions/aspirations which seem so much less tangible and of less immediate concern. It's so easy to lose sensitivity while in the secular world. I admire that you are aware of what's happening to you and describe it so well! And I hope that it's only a passing stage for both of us. Life is full of ups and downs, perhaps now you don't have the energy to fight but it won't always be this way. Just don't forget your past as a barometer and that will goad you home. And don't let the yetzer hara convince you that you're a hopeless case because you're anything but that. Lose a battle, win a war.

    PS You just did a good deed by writing this post and continuing to inspire others. What an elul post- wake up call!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aminspirationSeptember 4, 2012 at 11:09 AM

      hey anon- i always say that school is horrible for my spirituality. in the wise words of finding nemo-just keep swimming, just keep swimming. its not always easy and sometimes it feels like the waves will over take me. But for now right now in this moment..BH!

      Delete
  2. NSeptember 2, 2012 at 9:10 PM

    Sigh. I saw this post and wanted to comment properly.

    First of all, the fact that you are even aware of where you are "holding" is huge. When someone thinks they are close and they are really far, its not so good lol.

    There is so much to say so instead I'm going to e-mail you an 18 page packet/plane letter that I wrote for my "girls" when I was a madricha in Israel and they were leaving. I know it is not the same but as I would often tell them, after every matan torah comes a cheit haegel, meaning after every high, we fall. The key is getting back up. The key is davening davka when we don't "feel" it. We hold on because we believe...

    I hope you find the packet useful/inspirational.

    All the best!
    ZP

    ReplyDelete
  3. Princess LeaSeptember 4, 2012 at 10:01 AM

    Reb Nachman M'Breslov said that the lowest level of tumah, that which bnei Yisroel were almost at, is depression. Depression is terrible because it involve inaction, when not much would make such a difference.

    I don't believe you are truly indifferent. Listen to some great ra-ra shiurim like Charlie Harary or Rabbi Becher. One can't help but to be energized.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. aminspirationSeptember 4, 2012 at 11:10 AM

      youd be suprised..its just getting to listening to shiurim again that is hard

      Delete
    2. Princess LeaSeptember 5, 2012 at 11:46 AM

      Torahanytime makes it easy. Just click. You don't have to pay attention; sometimes a great idea will stand out from all those words.

      Delete
    3. aminspirationSeptember 5, 2012 at 11:48 AM

      I've listened to most of them now. ;)

      Delete

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