Sunday, December 23, 2012
As people we are created Betzelem Elokim and as such we have Gd like propensities
We can create We give and most of all we want control
We want to be in charge of our own destinies
We plan everything down to the last detail
We work hard to make our dreams, big or small, come true.
Unfortunately, we all know too well that things don't work out how we'd like. Sometimes huge. "natural" disasters happen. Sandy hits and all of a sudden your homeless jobless and everything-less. Or you leave right on time but when you get on the train..someone has been pushed into the tracks and there is no way your are going to make it in time.
There are few feelings as awful as being helpless. Just standing there watching everything you've built, worked on, poured your sweat and tears to.. Crash and burn in front of you. And there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
This world is a hard balance. We know that we have free choice, at the same time we know that Gd is intimately involved with every detail of our lives. He pulls the strings, the ultimate Puppeteer. We have the illusion of control. But in truth...we're just actors on the universe's biggest stage. We are following the script that has been written for us.
For me the hardest place to relinquish control and step back and say...this is Gd's will is with school. Through high school, school was a piece if cake. I sailed through without studying. I tutored other people. I was one of the top students in the class. Then came seminary, a little more challenging, I actually had to study but nothing I couldn't handle. Undergrad- I worked hard again but nothing too taxing. Enter PA school. I figured it would be the same, challenging but nothing I couldn't handle.
This past year and half has been the most difficult, taxing, challenging time in my life. Living on my own, no support group, school was kicking my derrière and I did not like it. But I pulled through. Again and again, BH I made it here. I made it to my summative exam- a cumulative exam from the entire past year. I failed. Miserably Came the remake. I failed by 1 point. At first I was fine, it's not a big deal they aren't going to hold me back, but then I got angry and then I started to cry. I was embarrassed. Truly embarrassed. I must be stupid. I can't believe that I did this. I cannot believe that this is happening.
The truth is. Easier said that done. But I know that this is Gds will. I studied appropriately.The professor could've dropped one more question. Curved the test a tiny bit more. But she didn't. This is what the reality is. I can't argue with His plan. Too many times we get caught up. Embarrassed or upset about how things turned out when reality there is nothing else we could do. We could no more change what time sunrise is than change the outcome. I prayed. My family prayed. I studied. I did everything I could. Beyond that..is beyond me. It's in His hands.
Now is the real summative Exam. How do I react? How do I move on? Do I stay the same person or do I learn from this? Do I change?
Right now Shabbat is coming, and I intend on welcoming the Queen with simcha and menucha.