I never thought id do this

What a month its been. More precisely..what a week it has been!

I have been put into the most difficult situations of my life. Had to make hard decisions, had to face things i hoped i never had to, the stuff of nightmares.

But the worst of it all was the moment I turned into a hypocrite. I did the one thing i swore I'd never do.

A few years ago I got hurt and that is the understatement of the century.

A close friend of mine, one who i spoke to all day everyday, one who knew all my secrets, the one i confided to, who i turned to when everything was falling apart...this close friend of mine just one day up and disappeared. She just fell off the radar, did not call, did not answer my calls or texts. Just flat out disappeared.

Three days later she texts me that she is sorry, but the relationship was too intense for her and that she cannot do this anymore. She wants us to still be friends, but we have to cool it, whatever the heck that meant.

I remember clearly that it was the night before my huge organic chemistry test. I was distraught, trying to be logical and study while i was an emotional mess, barely able to see the pages through my tears. I just couldn't understand how someone could do that. I respected her need for her space and we never truly recovered. We barely speak now.

Here is the worst part, Friday I turned around and did basically the same thing.

HYPOCRITE!!!

The whys and hows are not relevant, but for my own reasons I felt that I had to limit the extent of  friendship.  I had to do this for my own mental and spiritual well being. There is no question in my mind that I had to do what i did, yet at the same time, i feel so torn because of the consequences that would ensue. I would be causing pain to someone i care about. I would be hurting someone close to me in a very deep and lasting way.

I knew she would feel angry, hurt, frustrated and betrayed and justifiably so. I would feel the same. I would hate me too.

This is the worst, when you know that what you have to do is not something you want to do. I knew the repercussions would be awful. I knew that it would leave a mark of pain and distrust on someone I supposedly cared about. It hurts me as well. Not as much as her.

But I want her to know, that i understand, i know the pain your going through, and in no way was this an easy decision for me. I was torn then and I am torn now.