tonight
so basically it comes down to this,
i dont have anyone to talk to..and i really need to get this out.
A family I am close to has a son you could call " at risk." I hate labels but just so you know what Im talking about. The parents..have no clue what they are doing and are making text-book classic WRONG moves. They seem to be intent on completely pushing the kid off. Issuing ultimatums. Telling him they wouldn't care if he died. Kicking him out of the house. Yelling. Screaming. The works.
The sisters reached out to me and i told them how important it is to love him, and be warm to him. To let him know that he is wanted and that they are there for him unconditionally. I mentioned in passing something you learn in Psyche 101- you can never force anyone to change..people will change when they want to. You can change yourself but that is about it.
Anywhose..the crazed dad called me yelling at me that i am in no position to tell his kids anything...especially such silly things like " you cant force people to change.."
I broke down in tears. It makes me tremble to think that there are kids, and i know he isn't the only one, kids whose parents are so clueless. Parents who undoubtedly love their children but have no idea how to reach out to them, how to negotiate with them. So many kids on the streets, so many kids feeling unwanted, unloved, un-cared for, just because the parents are too dumb to know better. Because the parents put unrealistic expectations on them. Because parents are ashamed at what people think. They are more concerned about what the butcher thinks than their relationship with their children.
I've been through some difficult things. A few people have told me they are concerned that i might be depressed. Truth be told, i might be. We all have our moments. Yes i have been crying more than usual. But if there is one thing that i have never doubted is that my parents love me no matter what and that their home is always open to me. I am so blessed to have such a loving family.
What saddens me the most is that this isn't true for every child. This isn't a given for every " at risk" teen. Sure i was never " at risk" but i definitely did things that my parents didn't agree with But i always knew that everything came from a place a love.
I am crying tonight for this boy, and his family. Please, if you have time, say a little tehilim, for all those lost boys and girls who have no where to turn and no where to go tonight.
May Hashem always watch over you and protect you.
i dont have anyone to talk to..and i really need to get this out.
A family I am close to has a son you could call " at risk." I hate labels but just so you know what Im talking about. The parents..have no clue what they are doing and are making text-book classic WRONG moves. They seem to be intent on completely pushing the kid off. Issuing ultimatums. Telling him they wouldn't care if he died. Kicking him out of the house. Yelling. Screaming. The works.
The sisters reached out to me and i told them how important it is to love him, and be warm to him. To let him know that he is wanted and that they are there for him unconditionally. I mentioned in passing something you learn in Psyche 101- you can never force anyone to change..people will change when they want to. You can change yourself but that is about it.
Anywhose..the crazed dad called me yelling at me that i am in no position to tell his kids anything...especially such silly things like " you cant force people to change.."
I broke down in tears. It makes me tremble to think that there are kids, and i know he isn't the only one, kids whose parents are so clueless. Parents who undoubtedly love their children but have no idea how to reach out to them, how to negotiate with them. So many kids on the streets, so many kids feeling unwanted, unloved, un-cared for, just because the parents are too dumb to know better. Because the parents put unrealistic expectations on them. Because parents are ashamed at what people think. They are more concerned about what the butcher thinks than their relationship with their children.
I've been through some difficult things. A few people have told me they are concerned that i might be depressed. Truth be told, i might be. We all have our moments. Yes i have been crying more than usual. But if there is one thing that i have never doubted is that my parents love me no matter what and that their home is always open to me. I am so blessed to have such a loving family.
What saddens me the most is that this isn't true for every child. This isn't a given for every " at risk" teen. Sure i was never " at risk" but i definitely did things that my parents didn't agree with But i always knew that everything came from a place a love.
I am crying tonight for this boy, and his family. Please, if you have time, say a little tehilim, for all those lost boys and girls who have no where to turn and no where to go tonight.
May Hashem always watch over you and protect you.
Oh gosh. That is so sad. I've seen the same exact thing happen to friends of mine...There are so many kids lost to what is simply ignorance.
ReplyDelete(Side note: it sounds like you need a chocolate chip cookie or two :-) )
If only all the problems could be solved with cookies
DeleteAgreed! It's not so simple...
Delete"I mentioned in passing something you learn in Psyche 101- you can never force anyone to change..people will change when they want to. You can change yourself but that is about it."
ReplyDeleteReally? Then don't be upset over his crazed dad. Perhaps you cannot change him!! :-) do you agree?
I'm not upset for myself but for the kids
DeleteIt's so hard. The thing is, the process for "at risk" (for lack of a better term) is that it is really gradual. Things add up.
ReplyDeleteSometimes a child is born to a family with a completely different nature than the parents, and the parents are simply unimaginative enough to figure out how to approach him from the right angle. A child can then feel unloved, even though it is unwarranted.
When everything hits the fan, the parent flails, unable to deal. You are most definitely right: This can only be salvaged by messages of love and acceptance. The father is hurting right now, and he lashed out at you because he could. But hopefully with the information you gave his sisters, the boy won't feel completely abandoned, which is important.
I understand your sadness. You have mitleid, you feel for others, so of course you are upset for them (N2, it's not so simple not to feel for others. Is that how you work, that if you can't do anything for someone else you are magically all better?)
May you find comfort in Tehillim (I have) and peace.
This is so so sad. Unfortunately, there are many children like this, going through it and feeling so unloved...which only pushes them further away and adds to their feelings of rejection, hurt and encourages defiance. You gave over a good message to this boy's sister. She is lucky she heard it from you. I hope she takes it to heart and continues to love her brother unconditionally.
ReplyDeleteWe cannot understand what it's like for a parent to watch their own child slip away. If they brought up their children with rules, ultimatums and shoving things down their throats, it's hard for them to suddenly shift gears and change their parenting methods.
I daven for these children and teenagers all the time...now I will daven for their parents as well. Hashem should guide them so that they get the right advice from the right people...and they should be able to relate to their confused teenage children in the right way, with acceptance, warmth and love.
Sounds like you could use some ((hugs)) too. I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time...Hold on tight!
I've never seen this situation so close up...so I guess it really shook me..really reminded new how much I need to pray
ReplyDeleteYou're lucky you've never seen this situation so close up...but yes, we do need to pray and never stop praying for these confused souls...
ReplyDeleteThere are also psychologists that you (if you are depressed), and/or the family can turn to for help! I'm not being cheeky here. I know it's really hard to make that first step, and there is potential "stigma" involved, but I work for a psychologist and I've seen things work!! (I might go with someone CBT oriented though)
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree in the importance of outside help in a situation like this. ( my undergrad is in psyche) i appreciate the advice but personally i dont think its come to that, not yet anyways
Delete