words of advice

My high school friend recently got engaged! Mazal Tov! and we all couldnt be happier!

Her parents posted this on our community yahoo group and I just had share it.

As we make preparations for our first child’s wedding, I am taking a moment to reflect, thank, and yes give some advice. Advice to parents who are trying to help their child find a soul mate and advice to others who are either professionally or otherwise trying to help singles lose their status. If you are not interested in any of the above, proceed now to the next posting.

The Talmud compares one finding their zivug to the splitting of the sea. We are told that when the Jewish People went into the sea they didn’t cross over the sea but actually made a semi-circle coming out on the same side as they entered. That being the case, those who were on the exterior side of the semi-circle had a much longer path to travel than those on the interior side. There were definitely days when I thought that our child would never find a match and days that we thought we were close only to be disappointed. I have a small inkling of what the Jews felt as they crossed the sea waiting to exit from their encounter.

THANK YOU – Firstly, thank You to the Almighty for enabling us to reach this moment and thanks to all who gave advice, made suggestions, and prayed. I hope that I am able to repay in kind all the chesed we have been the beneficiaries of.

In terms of advice – it may be worth what you are paying for it. Firstly, I would like to humbly suggest things that may upgrade the professionalism of the field of shadchanim. There are many wonderful shadchanim that exist and please continue serving in your holy and challenging task.

Please think carefully before making a suggestion: Just because he is a he and she is a she and they are both Jewish, doesn’t a shidduch make. If you are really interested in helping others, find out what they are really like and what they are truly looking for.

On the other hand, don’t hesitate to suggest someone because they don’t fit the exact image of what you think the other person is looking for. And please, please be honest about the other person (within the framework of shimras halashon). Do you want a person to be angry with you because you withheld some very pertinent information?

Never pressure a boy or girl or family. This is a decision that will impact the rest of their lives. Let all parties involved contemplate their choices carefully. Sometimes giving information or suggestions is helpful, but leave the pressure in your car tires.

I’m uncomfortable when shadchanim ask for a photo, but I do understand it. However, it is beyond me how a shadchan could ask for a girl’s size and one shadchan shockingly told a mother “call me back when she is two sizes smaller”.

If the other side isn’t interested, please just say so and don’t say “he’s busy right now”. (Three years later when he is still single one begins to wonder). I ask forgiveness from the person who said it to me and my sharp reaction.

The following incident happened to me a few years ago and I still retain some resentment at this shadchan. I had been calling this shadchan about once a month to check if she had any new suggestions. Each time she was polite but said that no new names had come her way. After about six months (without a single suggestion from her) she says to me….you really should think about not being so rigid in what you are looking for. I held my tongue but internally I thought, lady if you had made five suggestions and I had rejected several of them, then you have the right to make such a statement. Needless to say, I did not continue calling her after that.

And now a word for parents (I am by no means an expert in this area so these are just my three cents worth –inflation).

Pray, pray, and pray. We don’t know when, how, or whom it helps, but it does.

Network, network, network. The best suggestions came from people that knew us or knew our daughter. Shadchanim whom you’ve met once or twice (or just spoke to on the phone) can be a help but our experience is that networking is very beneficial.

Think out of the box. The only place to find a perfect pair is in the shoe store so be open to suggestions. Every suggestion that came our way we made at least one or two phone calls (and some many more). Even if on paper you can’t imagine your daughter marrying type x,y, or z – withhold judgment and really consider the suggestion. If you still are uncertain, ask an outside party (like your rav).

Though references on a shidduch resume are helpful, try to find at least one or two people not listed on the resume to talk with. Prepare a basic list of questions that you want to know and ask anything else that occurs to you while you are talking. Don’t be embarrassed to ask things like “did you ever see him angry?” or similar types of questions to really get a flavor for the person.

Finally, pay the shadchan and pay all the other wedding expenses (that’s the millionaire’s advice).

May we and all of klal Yisrael share many simchas.