Cliche
Hello, debbie downer here.
seeing as this is the closest thing to a diary I have...here it goes. Its happened. I am the cliche. I am that girl. That girl that is crying because she is 26 and single. I am that girl who looks at everyone else and wonder how it is possible that everybody's got somebody but me? I see these little teen-boppers..arms flung across each other, snuggling close and looking at each other with such ardor I know i should look away but i cannot. Its pathetic but I'm jealous.
I want someone to hold, Someone to hold me. I sound like a broken record but it just seems to get worse with very passing day. It doesn't help that every time I get together girls my age it always come back to the same topic.Dating sucks, there is no one good left...the double standard.. blah blah blah.
I was on the train today and it took everything in me not to breakdown into uncontrollable sobs. I am alone. Yes, I of little faith... but the evidence points more and more to the same fact... that I will probably spend most of my life alone. There are days when I say bring it on...days when its more challenging but today was the first time i became that girl I always swore i wouldn't be...sitting at home alone crying into my pillow because I am not wedded in blissful matrimony.
I was speaking to a friend and she was saying how she had written herself a bucket list and that she has basically gone through it...she's done doing all the fun stuff she wanted to do when she's single. She's ready. But she said, shes happy. She has a busy meaningful life and she's happy.
Therein lies the difference. I'm basically re-living the past two years of my life. granted school is a heck of a lot easier...G-d knows it better be otherwise i really am stupid. But I look around at the girls in school with me, they're little kids..22/23.
There is so much I haven't done, because i was in school, and then again because i am in school. its like my life is in limbo because i cant do anything A) because I have to study B) I have no freaking $$ because i have to pay for school...again!
Do I sound bitter? There is a good reason for that..I am bitter. I don't know what kinda game Gd is playing. Is this the point? Make me so miserable that I start crying...now that I'm crying it must mean that now i really want it? Do I have to be so brokenhearted? so dejected? So crushed that I cry out to G-d to bring me my soul mate?
I know that the Imahot were barren for "G-d loves the prayer of the righteous." This cannot be the case here. I am not righteous. Far from it. I'm barely keeping it together these days. So what can it be? What is the Game Plan oh Omniscient Game Maker? What is happening here? How many more days, months, years do i have to walk about aimlessly trying to figure out what it is that you want from me?
I'm just tired, tired of the unknown. Tired of waiting for something, some mythical someone who everyone promises me is " out there somewhere" what is he playing peekaboo? Hide and seek?Dear G-d just give me some direction. Give me a small hint. Something. I am floundering...I can't tread water for that much longer..my legs and my will is just about to give out.
AM
seeing as this is the closest thing to a diary I have...here it goes. Its happened. I am the cliche. I am that girl. That girl that is crying because she is 26 and single. I am that girl who looks at everyone else and wonder how it is possible that everybody's got somebody but me? I see these little teen-boppers..arms flung across each other, snuggling close and looking at each other with such ardor I know i should look away but i cannot. Its pathetic but I'm jealous.
I want someone to hold, Someone to hold me. I sound like a broken record but it just seems to get worse with very passing day. It doesn't help that every time I get together girls my age it always come back to the same topic.Dating sucks, there is no one good left...the double standard.. blah blah blah.
I was on the train today and it took everything in me not to breakdown into uncontrollable sobs. I am alone. Yes, I of little faith... but the evidence points more and more to the same fact... that I will probably spend most of my life alone. There are days when I say bring it on...days when its more challenging but today was the first time i became that girl I always swore i wouldn't be...sitting at home alone crying into my pillow because I am not wedded in blissful matrimony.
I was speaking to a friend and she was saying how she had written herself a bucket list and that she has basically gone through it...she's done doing all the fun stuff she wanted to do when she's single. She's ready. But she said, shes happy. She has a busy meaningful life and she's happy.
Therein lies the difference. I'm basically re-living the past two years of my life. granted school is a heck of a lot easier...G-d knows it better be otherwise i really am stupid. But I look around at the girls in school with me, they're little kids..22/23.
There is so much I haven't done, because i was in school, and then again because i am in school. its like my life is in limbo because i cant do anything A) because I have to study B) I have no freaking $$ because i have to pay for school...again!
Do I sound bitter? There is a good reason for that..I am bitter. I don't know what kinda game Gd is playing. Is this the point? Make me so miserable that I start crying...now that I'm crying it must mean that now i really want it? Do I have to be so brokenhearted? so dejected? So crushed that I cry out to G-d to bring me my soul mate?
I know that the Imahot were barren for "G-d loves the prayer of the righteous." This cannot be the case here. I am not righteous. Far from it. I'm barely keeping it together these days. So what can it be? What is the Game Plan oh Omniscient Game Maker? What is happening here? How many more days, months, years do i have to walk about aimlessly trying to figure out what it is that you want from me?
I'm just tired, tired of the unknown. Tired of waiting for something, some mythical someone who everyone promises me is " out there somewhere" what is he playing peekaboo? Hide and seek?Dear G-d just give me some direction. Give me a small hint. Something. I am floundering...I can't tread water for that much longer..my legs and my will is just about to give out.
AM
This is so hard to read. If only the whole world could see, those who claim to be solving the crisis... I am so sorry for your pain. This post is a testimony to how strong you have been for so long. There aren't any words I could say to,make it easier... Its so hard...
ReplyDeleteI'm there, too. I thought I had more bravado, more "Golly why is everyone freaking so what if I'm a little older sheesh it's not the end of the world there are worse things." I couldn't understand why girls of 23 were sobbing, I was all "what's the rush."
ReplyDeleteAnd now I just had my birthday, a dun-dun-dun yet again; birthdays are no longer celebrated, I just wish it could be ignored, please please please. I cognitively know that I am not ancient, I know I have plenty of time to iy'H have children, but when everyone else around you seems to be getting engaged then you start worrying if there something wrong with you that the last decent guy you went out with (two years ago) didn't like you that way.
For others, who had it happen quickly, they look at you and think you are doing something colossally ridiculous, because see, it happened for me, you must be doing something wrong. And I ask the Eibishter, "What am I doing wrong?" Is this a consequence of my bad actions, or is it because it simply isn't time yet?
It's the self-doubt that I find the most hard to deal with. I always thought I had faith in myself, but it's crumbling away. I think that is the worst side effect of being classified an "older single"; we stop trusting ourselves.
We have to regain the faith in ourselves and the faith in Him . . . so I tell Him, "I'm trusting You to handle it, as only You can; I have no control over this. Just help me recognize what I must do to improve while I wait. If I have faith You, I can have faith in myself."
If only we could only deal with this rationally. But at a certain point I can no longer be rational. As for having plenty of time to have kids..thats not so true anymore. At 35 your risk goes up for having difficulty pregnancy. Clock is ticking away at our youth, at a certain point you cant run around with your kids like you would've liked..the years catch up to us.
ReplyDeleteBut that 35 and difficult pregnancy is not necessarily a given, according to new data. That shouldn't be your focus, because you can't control when your husband comes, right? And you're 26! 35 is so far away!
ReplyDeleteIf you leave it to Hashem, managing the stress gets easier. He doesn't know how old you are, how many children you can and should and might have? Do we need to have the Sarah Imeinu conversation? (Yes, I know that none of us are Sarah Imeinu, but it is not for us to misch into Hashem's jurisdiction. Hashem, Himself, brings children into the world.)
I wrestle with the rational and irrational all the time. But the irrational doesn't have to be given voice and mamashus. Once you give it mamashus, then you give it validity, it becomes real to you. Doesn't necessarily mean it is true.
Your 100% right and usually, I do live in the rational...but we all have the dark moments (like when i was writing this post) that hope just seems impossible, the world seems inexplicably bleak and you cant imagine anything ever being good...but then you wake up the next morning and face it with as smile on your face a spring in your step and a song in your heart (and in your ears) and the sun is shining the leaves are beautiful and you feel G-ds love...
ReplyDeleteOn Motzei Shabbos I went to the Rabbi Yisroel Reisman shiur and he explained that whole "Hashem desires the prayers of tzadikim" thing, a question I always had. I forgot who he quotes, maybe Rav Pam, but the reason why all the avos and imahos had to cry (Leah cried prior to her marriage, thinking she would marry Eisav) is that no one should say they are their parents' children, that they are the products of Terach and Besuel and Lavan. Whatever children they have would be from their prayers, not from their ancestry.
ReplyDeleteSo it sounds like a one-time thing, maybe.