IMYH by you
So...recently in my life...
My best-friend got engaged! yes, yes lots of Mazal Tovs and IMYH by yous...But frankly i am not taking it well. I am not behaving the way a best friend should. It doesn't help that shes miles and miles away so I feel so separated from the whole situation as it is. I wont be there for the lchaim the vort the dress shopping, the shower, the wedding planning, the pre-wedding jitters..I am going to miss all that..not that gives me any excuse.
I am simply being a bad friend. I am being unkind, not understanding, selfish, passive aggressive..simply put..I am jealous. not of her...of him. That he gets to be with her and I have to give up my best friend. Yes, she's not ceasing to exist, she's getting married but experience has taught me that a lot of the time there is very little difference between the two.
Obviously, this engagement is not about me. Its about her. and its so exciting and so overwhelming all at the same time. Or so I'm told, not having any personal experience in the matter. But this is my blog, so here my feelings have credence. But, I am overwhelmed. I feel lost. I feel like i don't know how to act. I don't know what am i allowed to say? What am i not allowed to say? What used to be OK and is no longer? What is my role any more? How do I fit into her life anymore? She assures me that she will always have a special place in her life for me...but frankly that sounds like a platitude more than anything.
Its always been hard to get past her walls and get her to open up to me about anything that is even in the slightest way personal...does this mean that I am about be to be shown to the gate? Its all so hard for me to deal with but your not allowed to tell anyone this because I am just supposed to be SOOO HAPPY OMG! I CANT BELIEVE IT THIS IS SO EXCITING!!! there is no room for the tears, for the sadness of knowing that our friendship that is so precious to me will never be the same again.
And yes I am aware how i sound. I sound bitter, selfish, jealous and just overall awful. Like someone you never wish to have as a friend. I hoped that when the time came, i would be better than this, turns out I'm not.
So for now, I'm trying to keep my snarky comments to myself. Its not easy. I have all these feelings and thoughts that i would normally share with her building up in my head. Because I can't tell her. Not now. Probably not ever. she is going through an intense time and this is HER time...and i am supposed to smile and be available whenever she happens to grace me with a call because who knows when the heck i am going to have a chance to talk to her? Her time is so limited as it is and now I've been pushed down the totem pole. I always suspected that I was closer to the bottom and now I am definitely closer to the bottom.
Please, no one leave comments about how irrational I am being...because you know what? I know I am being freaking irrational. But feelings are not rational.
excuse me while i go cry about my best friend being engaged.
Mazal Tov
IMYH by you
am
My best-friend got engaged! yes, yes lots of Mazal Tovs and IMYH by yous...But frankly i am not taking it well. I am not behaving the way a best friend should. It doesn't help that shes miles and miles away so I feel so separated from the whole situation as it is. I wont be there for the lchaim the vort the dress shopping, the shower, the wedding planning, the pre-wedding jitters..I am going to miss all that..not that gives me any excuse.
I am simply being a bad friend. I am being unkind, not understanding, selfish, passive aggressive..simply put..I am jealous. not of her...of him. That he gets to be with her and I have to give up my best friend. Yes, she's not ceasing to exist, she's getting married but experience has taught me that a lot of the time there is very little difference between the two.
Obviously, this engagement is not about me. Its about her. and its so exciting and so overwhelming all at the same time. Or so I'm told, not having any personal experience in the matter. But this is my blog, so here my feelings have credence. But, I am overwhelmed. I feel lost. I feel like i don't know how to act. I don't know what am i allowed to say? What am i not allowed to say? What used to be OK and is no longer? What is my role any more? How do I fit into her life anymore? She assures me that she will always have a special place in her life for me...but frankly that sounds like a platitude more than anything.
Its always been hard to get past her walls and get her to open up to me about anything that is even in the slightest way personal...does this mean that I am about be to be shown to the gate? Its all so hard for me to deal with but your not allowed to tell anyone this because I am just supposed to be SOOO HAPPY OMG! I CANT BELIEVE IT THIS IS SO EXCITING!!! there is no room for the tears, for the sadness of knowing that our friendship that is so precious to me will never be the same again.
And yes I am aware how i sound. I sound bitter, selfish, jealous and just overall awful. Like someone you never wish to have as a friend. I hoped that when the time came, i would be better than this, turns out I'm not.
So for now, I'm trying to keep my snarky comments to myself. Its not easy. I have all these feelings and thoughts that i would normally share with her building up in my head. Because I can't tell her. Not now. Probably not ever. she is going through an intense time and this is HER time...and i am supposed to smile and be available whenever she happens to grace me with a call because who knows when the heck i am going to have a chance to talk to her? Her time is so limited as it is and now I've been pushed down the totem pole. I always suspected that I was closer to the bottom and now I am definitely closer to the bottom.
Please, no one leave comments about how irrational I am being...because you know what? I know I am being freaking irrational. But feelings are not rational.
excuse me while i go cry about my best friend being engaged.
Mazal Tov
IMYH by you
am
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteIn this case, it's not irrational. You phrased the reasons for your sadness quite clearly, because the fact of the matter is that she is getting married and that will change things. Now there are things that cannot be spoken about, there are things that cannot be shared. The dynamic is now altered, irreparably. After dealing with this upset, a new dynamic will have to be constructed. It is mourning for times now gone.
ReplyDeleteall whilst i have finals..thank GD for thanksgiving vacation!
ReplyDeleteIt's not selfish or irrational...it's called: Being single while everyone else around you gets passed off to other people.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks.
It seems like there is no right way to respond...except grin and bear it...or as somone very kindly put it
ReplyDelete"now that your best friend got engaged that should give you more of a push" when i expressed disintrest in driving all over town to get judged by a million shadchanim...thanks but no thanks
Maybe her guy knows other guys? If anyone can put a positive spin on it, it would be you. That's why I visit.
ReplyDeleteThanks Anon...I'm really more positive in real life...this is where I vent...but as it turns out he doesn't ;) but thanks I appreciate the try
DeleteI'm sorry for this late comment...but I still want to say this :).
ReplyDeleteYou are so human. (hug) And it's okay. It's okay to mourn. You're losing an element of closeness you once had with this friend and things wont be the same now that she's getting married. It's important to acknowledge that...and it's okay to feel sad about it.
There's so much talk about working on our middos and being happy for others that sometimes we forget that it's okay to feel human feelings and be sad about things that make people sad. Be"h you'll get through this, you'll process it, you'll feel happy for her and sad for you at the same time...and it's okay. Hashem should give you strength!