Winter Nights

Its that time of year. Gingerbread lattes. Yummy huge Sweatshirts. Cuddling up on the couch with the your special someone. Reading a classic book by the fireplace holding a steaming cup of tea (large glass of red wine) reveling in the coziness of your home. Thanking G-d that you are inside and not out.

Shabbat was beautiful. As usual. But outside..outside was disgusting. The howling, biting, wind. The rain...oh the rain. But I braved the weather and went out for all my meals. When I got back to m y apartment, all by my lonesome...I felt just that...alone. Most of the time being single doesn't really bother me. I'm busy. Between school and work there is very little time to think. Just go, go, go.

But comes Shabbat when there are no distractions. No cell phone. No music. No work. No studying. Just me alone with my thoughts. Scary. That's usually when it hit me. I am alone. I have no one. There is no one that I can call at 3 in the morning and know without a doubt that they will pick up. No one to come home to. I know I am being a little melodramatic...but that's ok... I wonder..will I die alone?

Now I know that I have my family. and they have always been and always will be there for me. But as loving as they are...I always feel like I just don't fit it. That I am different. I know it sounds cliche and it is. I am the black sheep. I love them and they love me. That much is clear. But at the same time there is always this distance, this gap that cannot be bridged. I always sit just a little bit apart. I come home for small pockets of time. Otherwise, its just too much i feel too isolated in the sea of love that is my loving, devoted, dedicated family.

I can be all spiritual and say...we are never alone. G-d is always with us. G-d is holding our hand and guiding us through the mess of this world. Sure that's the right answer. But honestly, how many of us feel that way? How many of us can really relate to G-d as a friend? As a daily companion? I can't. Kudos to those who can.

I feel like this might be a pattern for me. Sunny in the summer, dark and gloomy in the winter. I'm sure its not just me. Truth is tho i love winter. I love the clothes. I love the drinks. I love coming home when your face is frozen from the wind and you have to wait for your face to defrost. I truly love it. But sometimes, on the long winter Friday nights, long motzai Shabbat...those nights I simply feel sad.