Dear You
My love,
To answer your question you didnt ask- no i am not doing well. After having you in my life for a year and a half, I am most definitely floundering without you. The pain is unlike anything I ever thought possible. The grief, the loneliness, is crushing. I tried reaching out to tell you that I needed you. To try to explain to you hard my life has been, work crushing, my sister admitted to a psych hospital for suicidal ideation, but you simply said sorry. You couldn't make room for me anymore.
I realized that part of the pain I have been feeling, is that I lost my best friend. I lost the person I tell EVERYTHING to. The person that is more proud of me than anyone I know. The person that has been there for me for every high and every low. Who used to drop everything to be by my side. The person who would sacrifice everything for me for my family. The person that , for the first time in my life, I felt actually got me.
And I have been bottling up all these thoughts, because the only person i was every truly honest was with is you. I could admit to you parts of myself that i could not even admit to myself. So maybe if i write to you, maybe I will be able to get some of this sadness out.
1. I am shattered, in a way that i never thought possible. They say it gets easier, it has only gotten worse. every day the sobs get heavier and deeper. i have this heaviness inside me, that i dont know what to do with. I am finally admitting that maybe i need to see a psychiatrist. I hope that will help, because right now, i do not want to get up in the morning. I cannot face seeing people.
2. I had it out with my mom this morning. I talked to her about wanting to adopt a child, even single. She was horrified. I asked her, " would i be welcome in this house if i adopted a child." her response, " your dad will shoot you." so that was nice. the conversation moved on to of course why dont i settle down and get married and " when you first came back from Sem you wanted to..what happened?" " all normal boys and girls want to get married and have kids." again- had the conversation, that i am trying to figure out what makes me happy and I am sorry that her vision of a happy life for her included a family with her children and her children getting married and having grand children. I explained to her - yet again- that i am sorry that this was her dream but its not mine. its not my job to make her happy, does she want me to happy- or happy the way she thinks i should be. the recipe of get married have babies happily ever after does not apply to everyone. Maybe one day it will be mine, but right now, its not.
and honey, this is the part where i think you'll be happy for me , I challenged her. I asked her, you say love me unconditionally, but what does that mean? only as i live the life you have prescribed for me? If i adopt a child- will i be welcome? If i come home in (gasp) jeans and t-shirt? Will I be welcome? Will you still love me? ( this moment i almost came out to her..but i figured not too much at once) and she responded, yes of course we would still love you...at which point i went to my room and and cried and cried with my sister at my side. and all i wanted to do was reach for you for comfort to be able to call you and tell you about this huge thing but I know if i call- if you answer- you'll be cold and distant and that hurts too much. I cannot take another stab to the heart.
I miss having you to plan things with, vacations to look forward too. new countries to get lost in together. getting lost in each other. reading with each other. There is nothing that does not remind me of you. they tell me it will get better and that we need to heal. but im so scared. so scared of living in this world without you, my partner for so long, at my side. with you there was nothing i couldnt do, nothing i couldnt conquer. now i just feel helpless and weak.
I just deleted your last voicemail that I had from you. The last link i had to to your voice - telling me you love me and you miss me. I would do anything to hear those words from you again. To have you hold me in your arms, again. To come back to me, but that is not in the cards not now. and i have yet to accept it. I cannot move on because i dont want to. I dont want to do - life- without you. ( and yes yes i know how unhealthy that is, but thats where i am)
i miss you baby
To answer your question you didnt ask- no i am not doing well. After having you in my life for a year and a half, I am most definitely floundering without you. The pain is unlike anything I ever thought possible. The grief, the loneliness, is crushing. I tried reaching out to tell you that I needed you. To try to explain to you hard my life has been, work crushing, my sister admitted to a psych hospital for suicidal ideation, but you simply said sorry. You couldn't make room for me anymore.
I realized that part of the pain I have been feeling, is that I lost my best friend. I lost the person I tell EVERYTHING to. The person that is more proud of me than anyone I know. The person that has been there for me for every high and every low. Who used to drop everything to be by my side. The person who would sacrifice everything for me for my family. The person that , for the first time in my life, I felt actually got me.
And I have been bottling up all these thoughts, because the only person i was every truly honest was with is you. I could admit to you parts of myself that i could not even admit to myself. So maybe if i write to you, maybe I will be able to get some of this sadness out.
1. I am shattered, in a way that i never thought possible. They say it gets easier, it has only gotten worse. every day the sobs get heavier and deeper. i have this heaviness inside me, that i dont know what to do with. I am finally admitting that maybe i need to see a psychiatrist. I hope that will help, because right now, i do not want to get up in the morning. I cannot face seeing people.
2. I had it out with my mom this morning. I talked to her about wanting to adopt a child, even single. She was horrified. I asked her, " would i be welcome in this house if i adopted a child." her response, " your dad will shoot you." so that was nice. the conversation moved on to of course why dont i settle down and get married and " when you first came back from Sem you wanted to..what happened?" " all normal boys and girls want to get married and have kids." again- had the conversation, that i am trying to figure out what makes me happy and I am sorry that her vision of a happy life for her included a family with her children and her children getting married and having grand children. I explained to her - yet again- that i am sorry that this was her dream but its not mine. its not my job to make her happy, does she want me to happy- or happy the way she thinks i should be. the recipe of get married have babies happily ever after does not apply to everyone. Maybe one day it will be mine, but right now, its not.
and honey, this is the part where i think you'll be happy for me , I challenged her. I asked her, you say love me unconditionally, but what does that mean? only as i live the life you have prescribed for me? If i adopt a child- will i be welcome? If i come home in (gasp) jeans and t-shirt? Will I be welcome? Will you still love me? ( this moment i almost came out to her..but i figured not too much at once) and she responded, yes of course we would still love you...at which point i went to my room and and cried and cried with my sister at my side. and all i wanted to do was reach for you for comfort to be able to call you and tell you about this huge thing but I know if i call- if you answer- you'll be cold and distant and that hurts too much. I cannot take another stab to the heart.
I miss having you to plan things with, vacations to look forward too. new countries to get lost in together. getting lost in each other. reading with each other. There is nothing that does not remind me of you. they tell me it will get better and that we need to heal. but im so scared. so scared of living in this world without you, my partner for so long, at my side. with you there was nothing i couldnt do, nothing i couldnt conquer. now i just feel helpless and weak.
I just deleted your last voicemail that I had from you. The last link i had to to your voice - telling me you love me and you miss me. I would do anything to hear those words from you again. To have you hold me in your arms, again. To come back to me, but that is not in the cards not now. and i have yet to accept it. I cannot move on because i dont want to. I dont want to do - life- without you. ( and yes yes i know how unhealthy that is, but thats where i am)
i miss you baby
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you know what to do....