who will pay my loans?

I am no stranger to thinking about dying. I am actually kind of morbid. I often think about what would happen if I ran this red? How would my family survive? Who would pay off my loans? Will anyone actually miss me?

for some reason, lately the thought of dying is terrifying. she asked me " what is your ambition for life?" and i gave some vague answer about either travelling the world or settling down with a family- or maybe having a family along the way of traveling and exploring. i felt like i disappointed her with my answer. one of my biggest fears has always been a life unlived. that i just float through and let life pass me by. a lot of the time - going through the daily grind- it does feel like like is just passing, time just floating away with the wind.

was just watching a show and one of the main characters gets breast cancer and for some reason that really hit me, my own mortality. i have anxieties yes, but they never circled around mortality. but now, with the novel virus claiming lives indiscriminately, im ducking scared. and i find myself crying in the fear of death.

im terrified. in a way that i never have been before. terrified that i will never live. never live the life that i truly want. terrified that im always going to be a facade and never true and deep. terrified that my truth will hurt those that i love. terrified that i may die and there will be no one to hold my hand while i wait for death to come knocking at my door. no one to look death in the face and say " not today b*tch" and slam the door and hug me whole again.

will i ever be real? will i ever be the person someone chooses? am i worth choosing?
do i sacrifice too much of myself to make others comfortable?
am i going to die alone because i will have alienated everyone around me? because i didn't want to inconvenience anybody in my life with the truth of my illness?

some days i just wish that a car would T-bone me somewhere in nyc.

but then who would pay my loans?