activity 1

activity 1: how do you identify with the people in the chapter?

My first thought when i was reading this opening chapter is that I picked up the wrong book. This must be a mistake. everyone in this book is married to an alcoholic, or a child of an alcoholic. or some sort of an addict. that is not my life, no one in my family, immediate or extended, is an addict. no one i ever dated was an addict. i should return this book, it doesn't apply to me.

but then i read this quote:
 If my husband is happy and I feel responsible for that, then I am happy. If he is upset, i feel responsible for that too. I am anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better. I try to make him feel better. I feel guilty if  I cant. and he gets angry at me for trying....Somehow, i just seem to lose myself in other people. I get enmeshed in them. 

this really hit home for me on a few levels.

• growing up we were very much told to alter how we feel, to make others feel more comfortable. as a child my father was a very angry and stressed out man. he worked long hours and would get very sleep. so were always tip toeing around his emotions. quiet- hes sleeping, smile, hes in a bad mood. and now as adults, when my father thank Gd has done a lot of work and his mood swings are not as often..its my mother we have to worry about. after years of repressing her emotions and needs to accommodate my father- she has depression and anxiety and frequent panic attacks. it has become our job, as children ( who are adults) to temper our feelings, emotions and thoughts as to not exacerbate or to alleviate whatever emotional minefield is happening. 
• growing up and even now i have often played therapist for my mother, her friend, her shoulder to cry on.  she is a youngest and very much a people pleaser, married to someone who was a bully for many years,a mom who is a bully, always feeling pulled between her husband and her mother because my dad cannot stand my grandmother and often avoided going there or having her over.  as a child, and now, i often repressed my own emotions ignored them, did not share them because i know the emotional toll it will take on my parents. i hide every sniffle and cough because i know it will send them into a tizzy. everything is a huge deal. everything is an opportunity to tell me what to do, another opportunity to have maddening anxiety. 
• i am that person, the one that feels like its my responsibility if your in a bad mood,if you are not happy. i will do anything i can do to make sure your smiling. if i see you broody i have to make sure 100% that it is not because of something i did. even now, talking with her about what went wrong. I made mistakes.i know that i did. but new things that i didnt even know i did, that hurt her...it destroyed me that i hurt her that way. its taking a lot to be able to move beyond this realization of how i hurt her and now i cannot even make it up, i cant fix it. i screwed up and i hurt someone and there is absolutely nothing i can do besides apologize and hope that she forgives me. thats crazy, i know that. but ive been holding on to that for weeks. 
• the concept of losing myself in others- its interesting. when i was in highschool i made a conscious decision that i was going to stop worrying about what other people think of me. the persian culture is very focused on externals on what others think of us. how things look. it always infuriated me. why cant i do what i want- its not wrong- its not hurting anyone- but " it looks bad" so i spent years,  trying to establish myself as a person who does what I think is right not what looks right. and externally, most people who know me, my friends, all would describe me as an independent badass who doesnt need anyone and does me. That is what it looks like anyway.  but i have been faking it, to an extent for years, because the truth is, once i get into a relationship- i become enmeshed. i become totally enveloped into the other person's issues and life. their family becomes my problem. i literally lose myself into the other person, and i do it all in the name of "caring for other people." and "im happiest when im taking care of others."