activity 3

how do you feel about changing yourself? what do you think would happen if you began to change? do you think u can change? Why or why not? 

point blank, change is always hard. its hard to admit that i need to change. hard for me to say- that i have a problem. its scary. its frightening to have to completely uproot the way I've been doing things for years, but even more daunting is the fear of failure. what if I am not more  then the people that i have loved? what if when i finally stand under my own spotlight - its a black hole? I am scared of standing on the other side completely alone.

i think that whenever you put up boundaries, there will be people who are offended and they take it personally. but i also know that when i have put up boundaries with people who are healthy or are working on being healthy- they celebrate me putting up that boundary, especially because they recognize how hard it is for me. Over the course of the years I have here and there put up boundaries. I have learned to say no. To say i am tired, that does not work for me. of course the guilt that follows is a seperate battle.

i think the biggest challenge in this will be with my parents. they take every step at establishing boundaries as a personal affront to them.  The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt those I love. yet, yet it seems like its inevitable"especially when it seems like they are looking for excuses to be hurt.

Growing up, it was drilled into my head that family above everything else. Remember that we do all this for you because we love you. Daddy works until 4 am every night because he loves you and wants to support us. Friends will come and go, family is the only one that will always be there for you.  FAMILY,FAMILY,FAMILY. and yes family is important, but it becomes a burden. Self development gets put on the back burner , because we do what we need to do for family .  Gd forbid i disagree politically with my father because that is disrespectful. Not come home for every single vacation? Don't you love your family.

but i digress...

so do i think i can change? yes
it it going to be excruciatingly slow, yes and i have to recognize that it is ok. it takes me a long time to be ok with hurting those i love, even if it comes at the price of my own happiness. another part of why its going to be so slow is that im scared of being alone. of being lonely. my first 2 years of PA school were some of the darkest of my life- i had no one,, and i never want to go back there. i have been working over the years on being better at being alone. being comfortable with myself yet the fear is there.