my hell

 What am i supposed to do when the joy of those i love is dependent on me.

My parents have always been my responsibility. The wonderful codependency that is our relationship has been crushing and anxiety provoking. 

My parents have this canvas of me from when i was 4 years old- its a photo of me and its captioned " our pride and joy."  This has been the bane of my existence for as long as i can remember. All ive ever known is- make your parents proud. We are so proud of you. You bring pride to the family.  Your a DOCTOR ( im not.) My parents sacrificed everything for us. And they made sure we knew it. As an eldest of immigrant parents..i had a lot of responsibility. I still feel it. 

My father is not well. He has had crushing headaches for years which cycle with his high blood pressure. Over Rosh hashana he had a spike of high blood pressure and just overall just feeling severe amounts of pain. When i asked him, he said that he has a lot on his mind. I asked my mother to make him an appointment with a therapist. Her answer- until you get married and your sister is better he is always going to be stressed. 

Talk about pressure. 

The concept of putting the burden of your mental health on your children...seems normal right? And i know intellectually that its not my responsibility. I know that they are choosing to be in this horrible cycle of hurt and pain. But i also know that they dont come from a place where mental health is even a thing.  It just feels like im watching my dad slowly kill himself. 

There are days where i just think- ill marry the next guy that comes along. But i know myself. I could never do that. I could never. I dont know if i will ever be able to be my authentic self with my parents. The shock and pain is not something I think they will ever recover from. 

I am doing my best to do my own work. Work on forgiving myself. Work on loving myself ( who knew it would be so hard) work on putting up healthy boundaries in all my relationships. ( that I knew would be hard)

Does anyone have life easier? Or is everyone just living through different hells? 

Comments

Post a Comment

you know what to do....

Popular posts from this blog

My plane broke!

Man alive do i have a story for you! So i was supposed to go to isreal wednesday, i was flying direct and i was all excited that i was gonna have a normal flight. i had no problems with security i get on the plane i sit in my seat, get my book out. everyone is filing in. they do the whole security thing, turn off the lights we all settle in, i even turn off my beloved ipod. all of sudden they turn the lights back on, and they aer telling us that the plane is BROKEN! and that they haev to do sheet metal repair. so they give us an option to get off the plane and go through security again or we can stay on the plane and in an hour the well just move us to the next plain. now with my previous experience do yoiu thinki i believd them? uhuhuhuh! so i get off settle down with my book and get comfirtable . i call my parets to tell them what teh story was. so my father tell me to ask if i can change my flight to sun night cuz we had a seuda last night at my house and i was gonna miss it. so i c
Read more

tonight

so basically it comes down to this, i dont have anyone to talk to..and i really need to get this out. A family I am close to has a son you could call " at risk." I hate labels but just so you know what Im talking about. The parents..have no clue what they are doing and are making text-book classic WRONG moves. They seem to be intent on completely pushing the kid off. Issuing ultimatums. Telling him they wouldn't care if he died. Kicking him out of the house. Yelling. Screaming. The works. The sisters reached out to me and i told them how important it is to love him, and be warm to him. To let him know that he is wanted and that they are there for him unconditionally. I mentioned in passing something you learn in Psyche 101- you can never force anyone to change..people will change when they want to. You can change yourself but that is about it. Anywhose..the crazed dad called me yelling at me that i am in no position to tell his kids anything...especially such sill
Read more