my hell

 What am i supposed to do when the joy of those i love is dependent on me.

My parents have always been my responsibility. The wonderful codependency that is our relationship has been crushing and anxiety provoking. 

My parents have this canvas of me from when i was 4 years old- its a photo of me and its captioned " our pride and joy."  This has been the bane of my existence for as long as i can remember. All ive ever known is- make your parents proud. We are so proud of you. You bring pride to the family.  Your a DOCTOR ( im not.) My parents sacrificed everything for us. And they made sure we knew it. As an eldest of immigrant parents..i had a lot of responsibility. I still feel it. 

My father is not well. He has had crushing headaches for years which cycle with his high blood pressure. Over Rosh hashana he had a spike of high blood pressure and just overall just feeling severe amounts of pain. When i asked him, he said that he has a lot on his mind. I asked my mother to make him an appointment with a therapist. Her answer- until you get married and your sister is better he is always going to be stressed. 

Talk about pressure. 

The concept of putting the burden of your mental health on your children...seems normal right? And i know intellectually that its not my responsibility. I know that they are choosing to be in this horrible cycle of hurt and pain. But i also know that they dont come from a place where mental health is even a thing.  It just feels like im watching my dad slowly kill himself. 

There are days where i just think- ill marry the next guy that comes along. But i know myself. I could never do that. I could never. I dont know if i will ever be able to be my authentic self with my parents. The shock and pain is not something I think they will ever recover from. 

I am doing my best to do my own work. Work on forgiving myself. Work on loving myself ( who knew it would be so hard) work on putting up healthy boundaries in all my relationships. ( that I knew would be hard)

Does anyone have life easier? Or is everyone just living through different hells? 

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