Emotional cleansing

 So many feelings. So many. I was driving just now and they hit me and I knew I just needed to get it out. 

First, my friend is getting admitted today for surgery on her leg.  A tumor. and we knew it was happening but it was pushed off and she was getting all these opinions. Then this morning I get the text that she is on the way to the hospital. and my issue with always being insecure in my friendships and I was having all these feeling about " how can she say I'm her person, when she told me the same time as everyone else, she totally disappeared, " just the general feeling again that I was not important enough or special enough. And i tried to reign it in - this is her time, she is the one in crisis and if i am the good friend i purport to be I will not make it about me. I was sitting on the couch crying at home. I was not sure what i was crying about. Was I scared for her surgery? Sad that i was being left out? Probably both. 

at the same time, I just want to call her. the one person that has always understood me. but I know that I cant. and I know that she hasn't been that person for me unfortunately in a long time. but still whenever my day sucks or something happens, she is still the first person I want to call. even though i cant. even though I wont. 

anyway, my friend messaged me to come stay with her tonight in the hospital. yay I'm needed. I'm wanted. 

i hope one day my own personal worth wont rely on other people deeming me worthy. of other people needing me. 

I'm working on it 

ok feelings out. 

thanks for listening