Dear G-d

 Dear G-d, Please remind me you don't mess up. 

I am sitting by the chanuka lights and I start praying and with the praying inevitably comes the tears. There is so much pain. So much hurt. So much " un-fairness." 

Dear G-d, 

I ask you for healing from pain.  I ask for clarity for the pain. I understand that we need pain to grow. As I sit here and say out loud " we live in scary times." I think to myself, there has been way worse. We have survived systemic genocide. My family has survived so much persecution in Iran. We have food to eat. A home to live in. Jobs to attend to. Yet, yet it just feels so scary and uncertain. 

I ask you to give my sister the strength and the will to fight her illness. I ask you to heal my father of his chronic pain. He sacrifices of himself daily to serve YOU, to provide for his family. Yet, every day he suffers from immense pain - both emotional and physical. I ask you to help my friend recover from her cancer.  To give her the strength to get through another day. To see through the struggle and the pain. 

I ask you to help me find my path. To find my purpose. I still feel like I'm floating, looking for something or someone to ground me. 

there is something so hauntingly beautiful about Chanuka. It's not gaudy, or ostentatious. It's delicate. It's refined. It is the fight of our souls looking to light the darkness that has been surrounding us. 

This year has been challenging in more ways than I can count. and I am one of the lucky ones. 

I have to keep reminding myself that just because it's " not as bad " as someone else does not make my hurt or pain any less valid. We all have small blessings. The silver linings. We also have thorns. We have aggravations. We have painful reminders that show up at the most inopportune times. 

Dear G-d, I ask show me a way through the pain. Show me the reason for it. Show me that it was not for naught.