fear

 I have been thinking lately about, fear. 

I do not think of myself as a fearful person. 

Yet, I am starting to recognize that I am fearful. I am fearful of failure. I am fearful of disappointment. 

Growing up, there was a lot of pressure to do well in school. I remember being scared of my father if i ever got anything less than an A. They used to test me, work on my speed during reading so that I would be the top, the best. I remember crying in 4th grade because I made less than a 95. I have this other distinct memory of a math test. There was this "elite group" of us that would be taken out of our regular math class and be taught by the middle school math teacher. One time, instead of giving me the regular math test like everyone else he gave me a "challenge" test he thought i would enjoy/ do well on given my propensity for mathematics. I broke down crying. I didn't want to be challenged. I wanted to sail through the easy  test and get the 100. 

I took a motorcycle lesson for the first time a few years ago. Labor day. It was so mentally and emotionally exhausting. This was something that i was definitely not good at. it was something i wanted to do, but something i was excelling at...nope. I was ashamed. I knew there was no reason for it, didnt deter me from feeling shame. Recently again, I took a motorcycle course. and once again, I sucked. I was counseled out. Such a deep shame at being a failure. 

There is a country lyric " when was the last time you did something for the first time." and its something that i think about often. It is something that i would like to challenge myself for this year. Trying to do 1 new thing a month. I may not become a jack of all trades. But I will experience new things. Maybe meet new people ( scary af). It will be a good brain exercise. 

the other big fear, the fear of disappointing those I love and those who love me- mainly my parents. that often freezes me into inaction. I have been told over and over that " we love you unconditionally." Yet, i dont believe it. I have been asked to do so much. Hold up to so much. There is this pedestal that they put me up on and I just want to blow it up into a million pieces. 

so yes i will jump off cliff in  thailand, but im terrified of failure. Id rather sit where i know I am safe and beyond reproach.