break

 Grief Shatters. 

if you let yourself shatter, and then put yourself back together, piece by piece, you wake up and realize you have been completely reassembeled.

you are whole again. 

you are strong

you are suddenly a new shape, a new size

when grief rings: surrender. there is nothing else to do.

the delivery is utter transformation. 


I am unsure where that is quoted from, I have a feeling its from Untamed. 

This has been sitting in my drafts for a while, and I am finally ready.  I was in Miami a few weeks ago with a group of friends and we had gone to dinner and we were having an amazing time. Two women and a man come approach us - asking us if were persian, where we are from etc. Small talk no problem.It quickly sours when they start giving us shidduch advice. The complete inappropriateness of that interaction is not what this is about. My friend meets one of the ladies the next day. 

She asks this stranger - what drew you to our table in the first place? 

her response-  you all looked so broken

My friend then asks me- AM, are you broken? 

I think I laughed and cried at the same time. Of course I am broken. How can I not be?  Where should I start? lets start with the most superficial- i just lost my job. thats ok, ill find something new, but one's ego always takes a hit with something like that. 

are you broken? My sister is constantly on the brink of death and lives in a world of depression and hatred for herself. 

 are you broken? i am still mourning the loss of a love i have not had for more than a year. mostly i think because i dont know if i will ever find another love like that. mostly because even if i do- will i ever be able to bring it into the daylight? will i always live in the shadows? will i have the courage? Should i have the courage? Does Gd want me to fight this, is He testing me? 

are you broken? my parents arent healthy and turn to us , mostly me as the oldest, for comfort from their aches and sadness. look to us/me to bring them joy and i am constantly lying to them so not to worry them. 

are you broken? OF COURSE I AM.

but being broken is the only way to heal . its the only way to re-asses. to restart. to get a fresh perspective. 

so i am surrendering to the grief. to the pain. to rips and  the shattering. 

looking forward to see the transformation. 

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