Searching
A long time ago, I watched the The Jett Jackson Movie. Yes i was a Disney Channel junkie. For those who haven't seen it, which I am assuming is most people, the bad guy is basically stealing cities from earth and putting them into his world. First New York City disappears and then Chicago, LA..etc. Dr. Kragg (the bad guy) occasionally looks into his world, through his peep hole, checking in on his world.
This is how I feel our world is. We are going about our daily lives, doing the things we do. We have our conversations, our tears, our laughter. We shop, we eat, we sleep. But none of this is real. This is not the true life. Lately, I've been more aware than ever of this. I walk around and i try my best to do what it is that i am supposed to, yet it just seems so meaningless.
I find myself constantly asking myself " what is it exactly that Gd wants from me? Why am I here?" Sure, the Torah gives us guidelines. We have rules that we have to follow. We have a vague idea of "being kadosh." We are supposed to be working on ourselves. We are supposed to bring the tikkun to the world. We are here to make a kiddush Hashem. Yea, I know all that. But somehow, that does not seem to be enough. It does not seem concrete enough.
I feel lost, without purpose. I know that there are people in this world who need me. I know that my parents wouldn't know what to do with themselves if one day i just wasn't here anymore. But me? Do i feel like there is a reason that I am here? for me? Not really.
Sure, I am in school. I need to study. That fills my time. But it just isn't enough. Life is supposed to have meaning beyond tests and sleep. I've lost my vigor for life. This may be fleeting. Tomorrow i may not feel like this. But for the past week, for today,I feel empty. What am i doing wrong? Should i be watching more shiurim? Should I be more active in shidduchim? Do I need to spend more time doing things for others? Is that the reason why i feel so empty?
I don't know.
For now I'm searching.
Searching for a way to stop the tears.
Searching for a way to tell G-d that yes, please give me another day, because look how productive I was today, I deserve another day.
Because right now...I can't seem to come up with a convincing argument.
An entire book could be written on this post, because I believe it is the question that every human grapples with.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminded me of something I wrote, quoting my FAV pasuk:
"And you shall do what is proper (הַיָּשָׁר) and good (הַטּוֹב) in the eyes of Hashem" (Devarim 6:18).
The Ramban says on that pasuk, "The Torah cannot give you every possible scenario of how to live your life. It therefore gives you this general guidance. When you do not know what to do, ask yourself, 'What would G-d want me to do?'"
But how do you know what G-d wants you to do? It is not always black and white (pun intended lol). Most decisions in life are going to be choosing between good and bad. Some decisions will between good and good or good and better.
I once heard that when we die, we are going to see two movies of our lives: a movie of what our life was and what our life could have been. When you are faced with a hard decision, think to yourself, which movie is currently playing? The movie of what my life was or what it could have been? Ideally, we would like them to match up as much as possible.
So, I guess, every day you can ask yourself, what movie is playing right now?
Knowing yourself, your strengths and your weakness, being aware of them so you can use them and work on them, is key...
Everything you're feeling right now makes so much sense. When you're in this routine of doing the same thing every day (or almost the same thing every day), you start to feel like, what is the purpose to whatever I am doing? Where is the meaning in all this? Why am I alive?
ReplyDeleteMany of us aren't doing huge major things in our life. We are not running chessed organizations, we are not helping people turn their lives around...but I think, there is a purpose in finding meaning in the little things you do every day. Every day, see if you can find at least one good thing you did that made that day worthwhile. It's not always possible to look back at the end of the day and find something you did that made a difference. But trying to do that...might help.
I hope you can get through this tough time...and soon realize that who you are makes a difference to the people around you...the people you are close to...and to yourself, Realize your value...it's hard to see it when it's you but your good qualities are there...the things that make you who you are...they're buried deep inside you somewhere...dig it up and find it :-)