AM Inspiration

my love  how many letters have i written you that i dont know if u have read how many have i composed in my head, how many tears i shed thinking of you missing you  wow, its been 4 years almost, and yet your still the first person i think of when things are hard and i need comfort, seeing you the other night and you basically ignoring me the whole night  i tried loving someone else, i really tried but i cant because u took my heart and never gave it back, that shabbat, we had just met a few weeks earlier, you took my arm and told me you were never going to let go and that you never felt so safe, that moment lives with me always because you did let go, and i have not been able to. there is something about you that i cant explain, i always want to be with you, i always want to hear your voice i am forever linked to you as much as i want to deny it. yet, your cold, detached but i love you and everything is so messed up, and i just want to go back to that shabbat when u climb...

 welcome to depressive-y season, the weather is dark, its cold and im just tired. I am sad and i dont like it.  I originally thought that maybe this has to do with my family drama and the way my brother has been hurting me and my family. the disrespect that he and his wife has been showing. and then add to that the stress of trying to work around my family's schedule, plan a florida trip and a february trip. but i think that what kind of pushed me over the edge was dealing with my friends break up, it has been bringing up all my feelings from my break up that i probably never truly got over. He has been going through the feels that come when you break up with someone that you truly love. and its just been reminding me of all the pain and hurt that i had/ probably continue to have that just lays there underneath everything.  the mourning of everything that you lost, the love that you will never feel again, the freedom and excitement you feel when your with the person that ...

 So clearly I need therapy.  I have a hard time putting my thoughts into actual spoken word. I have a hard time communicating my needs and wants. I have been hurting people I care about because of this.  I thought I had hit the jackpot.  Someone who came from a similar background to me, who understood the importance of family. Someone who would never, ever, ever make me come out; simply because she never would because of her family and kids. and we had fun. I explored parts of myself with her that I never felt safe to do with anyone else. It was supposed to be a no strings attached, casual thing. But then, it changed. It was not fun anymore. It felt like stress. She just came to tell me that she needs to walk away because I am quite literally making her ill. That I am giving her high blood pressure. She says that my actions have not matched my words. That I said I wanted casual, but acted like I wanted a relationship.  She said that she hopes that  one day ...

 As always, I find this day heavy. Heavy with expectations. Pregnant with potential. And I often don't know how to tap into it.  Teshuva Tefilla Tzedakka.  Simple. Right? I actually love the day. I love the teffilot. I love the strength of a community coming together to pray. Yet, Erev YK, I just dont know what I am supposed to be doing. Making lists of my mistakes? The one  " super small" step that I am supposed to take to be a better Jew. That small step that will bring me closer to GD.  There is a well known concept in Judaism that tells us that being an active member of the community helps protect a person. G-d cant take away when other people who are worthy are relying on you. The problem comes when you are an older single and are not really part of any community. The problem is when your entire life you feel like you are on the outside looking in. Never quite fitting into your family, into your community, your classmates, your friend group. Always just on ...

 You know expectations get me every time.  You have this idea in your head, when you come back from 3 weeks away you hope people will want to see you. You think that your best friend will want to see you. But somehow since I've been back i just feel more lonely than i ever did away.  it hits you when the only people who are excited that you are back are your co-workers- that perhaps you dont mean as much to people as you thought. I know that I may be over-reacting. I know you don't / you cant mess with cancer. So, I have to be ok with whatever she wants and needs. and now my friends just messaged that they are going out to dinner and do i want to join- but i cannot afford to. After partying for 3 weeks and being on vacation - I can't go out.  So- i have spent the entire day at home alone, saving money on AC using only the fan. The highlight of my day was going grocery shopping. I was supposed to do dinner with someone tonight and she cancelled. So, just sitting here ...

 So today is my last day, last day solo ( in a foreign country), last day in paradise - though it has been raining all last night and so far this morning.  I thought i would have profound words, feelings, something powerful to say at the end of a trip like this.  I was surprised at how comfortable I was at being alone, but then again I shouldnt be.  I thought about her most days, thinking if she would enjoy this hike, this hotel, how she would react. How I thought i could never travel again without her. But again, I think about her most days in my regular life.  I was not surprised at how much I hate unpacking and packing and unpacking.  This girl I saw over shabbat ended up being on my ferry- we connected and she did the last leg of my journey with me. Israeli girl - she had so many questions about shabbat, brachot, prayers.  I had the option of chasing waterfalls today or just staying put and enjoying my last day here, and I think I went with the rig...

 There is a country song that often flits through my brain  " when was the last time you did something for the first time"  This year I did a few things. I took and failed miserably at motorcycle lessons, I am now traveling solo and yesterday I did something i have been terrified and exhilarated by- I took surfing lessons. Now surfing has been something that I have wanted, in theory , to do for years. However, I have pushed off all week going for lessons even though the main reason for being in this town was to learn to surf.  When he was giving me the practical lesson yesterday and was listing all the ways I could die...I had my oh shit moment of - maybe this isnt the best idea...but i powered through.  The lesson was humiliating. My instructor was the nicest. But there is something about learning new things as an adult. I have a really hard time doing things that I am not good at. I got frustrated to the point of tears when I took my motorcycle lessons. Yester...

 So this shabbat was definitely out of my comfort zone.  This was the first time I had spent shabbat alone in a foreign country. There were about 50 people there- majority of which were secular isrealis.   I managed  to find a few american guys from Crown Heights so that helped.  Overall I have to say that shabbat was interesting . There was not a huge amount of food. I ended up having my jerky so i could have meat on shabbat. I had some instant soup. I read. Spent a lot of time with my own thoughts, insecurities and doubts.  It was pouring rain from about 3pm till 11 when i went to sleep.  Havdala was comforting. The same sefardi havdala my father makes. I always find it beautiful when seemingly irreligious jews show up for shabbat and havdala.  Still not sure how long I will stay here. But the sun is out again. 

 So I did this experiment where I am solo traveling for 2 weeks. The past 10 days I was with someone else and it was a rollercoaster of an adventure. But there was not a minute I had to myself. Last night i checked myself into a fancy hotel and just relaxed and it was amazing. But today, I am approaching shabbat all alone with a bunch of strangers...and i feel the tears welling up.  I feel isolated because I am different than everyone here.  I feel dumb that I overpaid to stay somewhere "Jewish" so i could be with others,when i could have stayed somewhere significantly nicer for the same price. I feel sad that the person that was supposed to come with me backed out.  Most of all i feel like i screwed up and I am disappointed in myself.  I'm not sure how i will feel in a few days and I told myself if i really hate it I will go. But i need to try.  This is scary traveling alone, but i felt like it was something I needed to do.  I bought myself flowers fo...

  Grief Shatters.  if you let yourself shatter, and then put yourself back together, piece by piece, you wake up and realize you have been completely reassembeled. you are whole again.  you are strong you are suddenly a new shape, a new size when grief rings: surrender. there is nothing else to do. the delivery is utter transformation.  I am unsure where that is quoted from, I have a feeling its from Untamed.  This has been sitting in my drafts for a while, and I am finally ready.  I was in Miami a few weeks ago with a group of friends and we had gone to dinner and we were having an amazing time. Two women and a man come approach us - asking us if were persian, where we are from etc. Small talk no problem.It quickly sours when they start giving us shidduch advice. The complete inappropriateness of that interaction is not what this is about. My friend meets one of the ladies the next day.  She asks this stranger - what drew you to our table in the first...

 I have been thinking lately about, fear.  I do not think of myself as a fearful person.  Yet, I am starting to recognize that I am fearful. I am fearful of failure. I am fearful of disappointment.  Growing up, there was a lot of pressure to do well in school. I remember being scared of my father if i ever got anything less than an A. They used to test me, work on my speed during reading so that I would be the top, the best. I remember crying in 4th grade because I made less than a 95. I have this other distinct memory of a math test. There was this "elite group" of us that would be taken out of our regular math class and be taught by the middle school math teacher. One time, instead of giving me the regular math test like everyone else he gave me a "challenge" test he thought i would enjoy/ do well on given my propensity for mathematics. I broke down crying. I didn't want to be challenged. I wanted to sail through the easy  test and get the 100.  I took a ...

 Dear G-d, Please remind me you don't mess up.  I am sitting by the chanuka lights and I start praying and with the praying inevitably comes the tears. There is so much pain. So much hurt. So much " un-fairness."  Dear G-d,  I ask you for healing from pain.  I ask for clarity for the pain. I understand that we need pain to grow. As I sit here and say out loud " we live in scary times." I think to myself, there has been way worse. We have survived systemic genocide. My family has survived so much persecution in Iran. We have food to eat. A home to live in. Jobs to attend to. Yet, yet it just feels so scary and uncertain.  I ask you to give my sister the strength and the will to fight her illness. I ask you to heal my father of his chronic pain. He sacrifices of himself daily to serve YOU, to provide for his family. Yet, every day he suffers from immense pain - both emotional and physical. I ask you to help my friend recover from her cancer.  To give her...

 So many feelings. So many. I was driving just now and they hit me and I knew I just needed to get it out.  First, my friend is getting admitted today for surgery on her leg.  A tumor. and we knew it was happening but it was pushed off and she was getting all these opinions. Then this morning I get the text that she is on the way to the hospital. and my issue with always being insecure in my friendships and I was having all these feeling about " how can she say I'm her person, when she told me the same time as everyone else, she totally disappeared, " just the general feeling again that I was not important enough or special enough. And i tried to reign it in - this is her time, sh e is the one in crisis and if i am the good friend i purport to be I will not make it about me. I was sitting on the couch crying at home. I was not sure what i was crying about. Was I scared for her surgery? Sad that i was being left out? Probably both.  at the same time, I just want to ca...

 So I was listening to this podcast that talked about stress cycles with Emily and Amelia Nagoski. They talk about burn out and how when we do not complete our stress cycles that is when we end up walking around with the stress which in turn leads to burn out. For some it may be the crying, the letter you never send, the burning of the photos..whatever it is.  So this is me trying to complete my stress cycle. and who ever is reading this and is tired of me talking about the same thing over and over again, you are welcome to click next.  I have so many things that I want to say. So many. and I think that at some point it feels like an endless cycle. saying the same things over and over again. the same conversation. like groundhog day. its amazing. and part of me feels like, every time it happens I feel less hurt and more angry. I guess that's progress.  So you show up, at my office. You say that you've been trying to stalk me. That you have so much you want to say to ...

 What am i supposed to do when the joy of those i love is dependent on me. My parents have always been my responsibility. The wonderful codependency that is our relationship has been crushing and anxiety provoking.  My parents have this canvas of me from when i was 4 years old- its a photo of me and its captioned " our pride and joy."  This has been the bane of my existence for as long as i can remember. All ive ever known is- make your parents proud. We are so proud of you. You bring pride to the family.  Your a DOCTOR ( im not.) My parents sacrificed everything for us. And they made sure we knew it. As an eldest of immigrant parents..i had a lot of responsibility. I still feel it.  My father is not well. He has had crushing headaches for years which cycle with his high blood pressure. Over Rosh hashana he had a spike of high blood pressure and just overall just feeling severe amounts of pain. When i asked him, he said that he has a lot on his mind. I asked my ...

so my new therapist gave me homework, learning to pay attention and to identify my emotions. turns out that after years of trying to fake being happy, parenting my parents and my siblings, always trying to be brave for everyone- all that is not so great for being able to  identifying emotions. i know that i avoid the word "angry" because of its negative connotations. i will say im  frustrated  but never angry. because angry to me is out of control, red, steam coming out of your ears, evil. i will rarely say i am overwhelmed, because i am the strong one that can handle anything. worried- sometimes, happy ...well i was happy but that has not yet made an appearance in a while. she was saying that the anger was a secondary emotion and that i need to identify the primary emotion. i find that i have a harder time with crying. like a baby- when he/she does not know how to express his or herself , the result is tears. and i feel that i do the same thing. anytime i get overwhe...

So this chapter is all about detachment. and this is one of the hardest things that i struggle with. I have to repeat over and over in my head- this is not my problem to fix. ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person or problem in love. we mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities and from problems we cannot solve. is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? how do you feel about detaching from that problem? so this is a problem that i inherited from my parents; making other people's problems my problems. and this is what happened in my last relationships. i make it my responsibility to fix all issues. i make it my problem when she didn't pass her class, needed someone to move her. i try to brainstorm how i can pretzel my life so i can fix problems that no one asked me to fix. yet, somehow i insert myself...

how do you feel about changing yourself? what do you think would happen if you began to change? do you think u can change? Why or why not?  point blank, change is always hard. its hard to admit that i need to change. hard for me to say- that i have a problem. its scary. its frightening to have to completely uproot the way I've been doing things for years, but even more daunting is the fear of failure. what if I am not more  then the people that i have loved? what if when i finally stand under my own spotlight - its a black hole? I am scared of standing on the other side completely alone. i think that whenever you put up boundaries, there will be people who are offended and they take it personally. but i also know that when i have put up boundaries with people who are healthy or are working on being healthy- they celebrate me putting up that boundary, especially because they recognize how hard it is for me. Over the course of the years I have here and there put up boundari...

How would you define codependency? the definition of codependence is going to be different for everyone i guess. there is the definition that the author pens:   a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.   So this definition resonates with me except for the control part. and this was something that i kept questioning myself about. Am I looking for control? Have I been controlling people this whole time? That just seems so dark and manipulative. but then i flashed to one of our conversations post break-up, she said that she felt like i was trying to control everything and trying to insert myself into everything in her life. her therapist said certain things i did were manipulative. at the time, it horrified me and angered me. ME? MANIPULATIVE? are you kidding me?! but maybe i was. maybe,  it does all go back into trapping someone into needing me and therefore not leaving me. it...

activity 1: how do you identify with the people in the chapter? My first thought when i was reading this opening chapter is that I picked up the wrong book. This must be a mistake. everyone in this book is married to an alcoholic, or a child of an alcoholic. or some sort of an addict. that is not my life, no one in my family, immediate or extended, is an addict. no one i ever dated was an addict. i should return this book, it doesn't apply to me. but then i read this quote:  If my husband is happy and I feel responsible for that, then I am happy. If he is upset, i feel responsible for that too. I am anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better. I try to make him feel better. I feel guilty if  I cant. and he gets angry at me for trying....Somehow, i just seem to lose myself in other people. I get enmeshed in them.  this really hit home for me on a few levels. growing up we were very much told to alter how we feel, to make others feel more comfortable. ...