AM Inspiration

I have never really known how to be a friend. I know how to take care of people. I know how to be there for you. I am an excellent martyr. I will sacrifice my own time, money, well being...etc. to help a friend. But, too many times, its too much. The other person gets overwhelmed. She can't/ won't go to the lengths that I will, so then I start to be resentful. I have massive insecurity. I was never a person that made friends easily. The nerdy kid in the class. The one in the corner with the book. People scare me. So I am a people pleaser. I will bend over backwards because I am afraid that I will lose the friendship. I want to prove myself invaluable. And the truth is, I like helping. I like being there. I like knowing that people know that they can call me at any point of night or day and I will be there. I have gotten better. Over the past few years I have started slowly putting my phone on silent when I go to sleep. I stopped going to things I know I wouldn't

So, I started therapy today. Finally, right? I have been talking about it for a long time, seems like an eternity. It was more than two years ago that I sat down with my friend and went through multiple choices of different therapists. I made an appointment for intake, which was of course months in advance. I remember the sheer anticipation. But then I had to reschedule because my cousin passed away suddenly and his funeral was the same day as the intake. It was impossible to get in touch with anyone to reschedule- so that was that. Then life got in the way. I graduated. I started working . I started traveling. The depressive moments of PA school faded into the sepia colored memories of the hell  that was PA school. The rose colored glasses slipped every once in a while. Moments when I would have to be alone with my thoughts and feelings and it was hella scary. I did everything I could to distract myself. Music playing at all times.  But honestly, most of the time I was actuall