AM Inspiration

So this chapter is all about detachment. and this is one of the hardest things that i struggle with. I have to repeat over and over in my head- this is not my problem to fix. ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person or problem in love. we mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities and from problems we cannot solve. is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? how do you feel about detaching from that problem? so this is a problem that i inherited from my parents; making other people's problems my problems. and this is what happened in my last relationships. i make it my responsibility to fix all issues. i make it my problem when she didn't pass her class, needed someone to move her. i try to brainstorm how i can pretzel my life so i can fix problems that no one asked me to fix. yet, somehow i insert myself

how do you feel about changing yourself? what do you think would happen if you began to change? do you think u can change? Why or why not?  point blank, change is always hard. its hard to admit that i need to change. hard for me to say- that i have a problem. its scary. its frightening to have to completely uproot the way I've been doing things for years, but even more daunting is the fear of failure. what if I am not more  then the people that i have loved? what if when i finally stand under my own spotlight - its a black hole? I am scared of standing on the other side completely alone. i think that whenever you put up boundaries, there will be people who are offended and they take it personally. but i also know that when i have put up boundaries with people who are healthy or are working on being healthy- they celebrate me putting up that boundary, especially because they recognize how hard it is for me. Over the course of the years I have here and there put up boundaries. I

How would you define codependency? the definition of codependence is going to be different for everyone i guess. there is the definition that the author pens:   a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.   So this definition resonates with me except for the control part. and this was something that i kept questioning myself about. Am I looking for control? Have I been controlling people this whole time? That just seems so dark and manipulative. but then i flashed to one of our conversations post break-up, she said that she felt like i was trying to control everything and trying to insert myself into everything in her life. her therapist said certain things i did were manipulative. at the time, it horrified me and angered me. ME? MANIPULATIVE? are you kidding me?! but maybe i was. maybe,  it does all go back into trapping someone into needing me and therefore not leaving me. its funny, because

activity 1: how do you identify with the people in the chapter? My first thought when i was reading this opening chapter is that I picked up the wrong book. This must be a mistake. everyone in this book is married to an alcoholic, or a child of an alcoholic. or some sort of an addict. that is not my life, no one in my family, immediate or extended, is an addict. no one i ever dated was an addict. i should return this book, it doesn't apply to me. but then i read this quote:  If my husband is happy and I feel responsible for that, then I am happy. If he is upset, i feel responsible for that too. I am anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better. I try to make him feel better. I feel guilty if  I cant. and he gets angry at me for trying....Somehow, i just seem to lose myself in other people. I get enmeshed in them.  this really hit home for me on a few levels. growing up we were very much told to alter how we feel, to make others feel more comfortable. as a child

I finally  have a word to define what my problems with relationships always is: Codependence. Of course, everything goes back to your relationship with your parents. They are our role models for relationships. They can teach us what  not to do, or what to do; for better or for worse they are the first example and most profound impression we have of how relationships work. parent-child relationships are complicated at best. add to that the layer of immigrant parents, and then the layer of their own mental health issues..you end up with a hell of an onion. My parents are lovely people. Kind. Sweet. Will do anything for anybody. My mother's tehilim list is 10 pages long. she cries for strangers the same way she cries for her own children. However, healthy relationships- not their forte. They very much rely on their children for their happiness. Everything we did or did not do is a reflection of if we love them.  emotional blackmail is how one friend referred to it. let me do thi