AM Inspiration

what is it that i want? it was easier for you to tell me what you want and for me to make it happen. It scared me to think about what i want. because i dont know. it was always easier to live the life prescribed for me. i just did what was asked of me. i went to good schools. got good grades, got a good career.  but somehow the recipe didnt work for me.  i often yearn for a simpler life. a+b=c. right? if only what the hell is it that i want? i know what i dont want i know i dont want to be my parents i know that i dont want life to pass me by i know that i dont want to this insecure and co-dependant. i know that i want to have LIVED. i know that i want to be good at what i do I want to be strong i know i want to help people, make their lives better. i know that i want to love myself. do i want to be married? Do i want to have kids? i don't know. i want to travel - see the world. that i have always wanted i want to be someone people are proud to know

I am no stranger to thinking about dying. I am actually kind of morbid. I often think about what would happen if I ran this red? How would my family survive? Who would pay off my loans? Will anyone actually miss me? for some reason, lately the thought of dying is terrifying. she asked me " what is your ambition for life?" and i gave some vague answer about either travelling the world or settling down with a family- or maybe having a family along the way of traveling and exploring. i felt like i disappointed her with my answer. one of my biggest fears has always been a life unlived. that i just float through and let life pass me by. a lot of the time - going through the daily grind- it does feel like like is just passing, time just floating away with the wind. was just watching a show and one of the main characters gets breast cancer and for some reason that really hit me, my own mortality. i have anxieties yes, but they never circled around mortality. but now, with the no