my love  how many letters have i written you that i dont know if u have read how many have i composed in my head, how many tears i shed thinking of you missing you  wow, its been 4 years almost, and yet your still the first person i think of when things are hard and i need comfort, seeing you the other night and you basically ignoring me the whole night  i tried loving someone else, i really tried but i cant because u took my heart and never gave it back, that shabbat, we had just met a few weeks earlier, you took my arm and told me you were never going to let go and that you never felt so safe, that moment lives with me always because you did let go, and i have not been able to. there is something about you that i cant explain, i always want to be with you, i always want to hear your voice i am forever linked to you as much as i want to deny it. yet, your cold, detached but i love you and everything is so messed up, and i just want to go back to that shabbat when u climbed into my bed
 welcome to depressive-y season, the weather is dark, its cold and im just tired. I am sad and i dont like it.  I originally thought that maybe this has to do with my family drama and the way my brother has been hurting me and my family. the disrespect that he and his wife has been showing. and then add to that the stress of trying to work around my family's schedule, plan a florida trip and a february trip. but i think that what kind of pushed me over the edge was dealing with my friends break up, it has been bringing up all my feelings from my break up that i probably never truly got over. He has been going through the feels that come when you break up with someone that you truly love. and its just been reminding me of all the pain and hurt that i had/ probably continue to have that just lays there underneath everything.  the mourning of everything that you lost, the love that you will never feel again, the freedom and excitement you feel when your with the person that is your pe

Self- Defense

 So clearly I need therapy.  I have a hard time putting my thoughts into actual spoken word. I have a hard time communicating my needs and wants. I have been hurting people I care about because of this.  I thought I had hit the jackpot.  Someone who came from a similar background to me, who understood the importance of family. Someone who would never, ever, ever make me come out; simply because she never would because of her family and kids. and we had fun. I explored parts of myself with her that I never felt safe to do with anyone else. It was supposed to be a no strings attached, casual thing. But then, it changed. It was not fun anymore. It felt like stress. She just came to tell me that she needs to walk away because I am quite literally making her ill. That I am giving her high blood pressure. She says that my actions have not matched my words. That I said I wanted casual, but acted like I wanted a relationship.  She said that she hopes that  one day that I will learn to be hones

Erev Yom Kippur Thoughts

 As always, I find this day heavy. Heavy with expectations. Pregnant with potential. And I often don't know how to tap into it.  Teshuva Tefilla Tzedakka.  Simple. Right? I actually love the day. I love the teffilot. I love the strength of a community coming together to pray. Yet, Erev YK, I just dont know what I am supposed to be doing. Making lists of my mistakes? The one  " super small" step that I am supposed to take to be a better Jew. That small step that will bring me closer to GD.  There is a well known concept in Judaism that tells us that being an active member of the community helps protect a person. G-d cant take away when other people who are worthy are relying on you. The problem comes when you are an older single and are not really part of any community. The problem is when your entire life you feel like you are on the outside looking in. Never quite fitting into your family, into your community, your classmates, your friend group. Always just on the periph

Welcome Back?

 You know expectations get me every time.  You have this idea in your head, when you come back from 3 weeks away you hope people will want to see you. You think that your best friend will want to see you. But somehow since I've been back i just feel more lonely than i ever did away.  it hits you when the only people who are excited that you are back are your co-workers- that perhaps you dont mean as much to people as you thought. I know that I may be over-reacting. I know you don't / you cant mess with cancer. So, I have to be ok with whatever she wants and needs. and now my friends just messaged that they are going out to dinner and do i want to join- but i cannot afford to. After partying for 3 weeks and being on vacation - I can't go out.  So- i have spent the entire day at home alone, saving money on AC using only the fan. The highlight of my day was going grocery shopping. I was supposed to do dinner with someone tonight and she cancelled. So, just sitting here home al


 So today is my last day, last day solo ( in a foreign country), last day in paradise - though it has been raining all last night and so far this morning.  I thought i would have profound words, feelings, something powerful to say at the end of a trip like this.  I was surprised at how comfortable I was at being alone, but then again I shouldnt be.  I thought about her most days, thinking if she would enjoy this hike, this hotel, how she would react. How I thought i could never travel again without her. But again, I think about her most days in my regular life.  I was not surprised at how much I hate unpacking and packing and unpacking.  This girl I saw over shabbat ended up being on my ferry- we connected and she did the last leg of my journey with me. Israeli girl - she had so many questions about shabbat, brachot, prayers.  I had the option of chasing waterfalls today or just staying put and enjoying my last day here, and I think I went with the right choice. Sleeping in late ( till

more ramblings

 There is a country song that often flits through my brain  " when was the last time you did something for the first time"  This year I did a few things. I took and failed miserably at motorcycle lessons, I am now traveling solo and yesterday I did something i have been terrified and exhilarated by- I took surfing lessons. Now surfing has been something that I have wanted, in theory , to do for years. However, I have pushed off all week going for lessons even though the main reason for being in this town was to learn to surf.  When he was giving me the practical lesson yesterday and was listing all the ways I could die...I had my oh shit moment of - maybe this isnt the best idea...but i powered through.  The lesson was humiliating. My instructor was the nicest. But there is something about learning new things as an adult. I have a really hard time doing things that I am not good at. I got frustrated to the point of tears when I took my motorcycle lessons. Yesterday, I almost