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Erev Yom Kippur Thoughts

 As always, I find this day heavy. Heavy with expectations. Pregnant with potential. And I often don't know how to tap into it.  Teshuva Tefilla Tzedakka.  Simple. Right? I actually love the day. I love the teffilot. I love the strength of a community coming together to pray. Yet, Erev YK, I just dont know what I am supposed to be doing. Making lists of my mistakes? The one  " super small" step that I am supposed to take to be a better Jew. That small step that will bring me closer to GD.  There is a well known concept in Judaism that tells us that being an active member of the community helps protect a person. G-d cant take away when other people who are worthy are relying on you. The problem comes when you are an older single and are not really part of any community. The problem is when your entire life you feel like you are on the outside looking in. Never quite fitting into your family, into your community, your classmates, your friend group. Always just on the periph

Welcome Back?

 You know expectations get me every time.  You have this idea in your head, when you come back from 3 weeks away you hope people will want to see you. You think that your best friend will want to see you. But somehow since I've been back i just feel more lonely than i ever did away.  it hits you when the only people who are excited that you are back are your co-workers- that perhaps you dont mean as much to people as you thought. I know that I may be over-reacting. I know you don't / you cant mess with cancer. So, I have to be ok with whatever she wants and needs. and now my friends just messaged that they are going out to dinner and do i want to join- but i cannot afford to. After partying for 3 weeks and being on vacation - I can't go out.  So- i have spent the entire day at home alone, saving money on AC using only the fan. The highlight of my day was going grocery shopping. I was supposed to do dinner with someone tonight and she cancelled. So, just sitting here home al

#puravida

 So today is my last day, last day solo ( in a foreign country), last day in paradise - though it has been raining all last night and so far this morning.  I thought i would have profound words, feelings, something powerful to say at the end of a trip like this.  I was surprised at how comfortable I was at being alone, but then again I shouldnt be.  I thought about her most days, thinking if she would enjoy this hike, this hotel, how she would react. How I thought i could never travel again without her. But again, I think about her most days in my regular life.  I was not surprised at how much I hate unpacking and packing and unpacking.  This girl I saw over shabbat ended up being on my ferry- we connected and she did the last leg of my journey with me. Israeli girl - she had so many questions about shabbat, brachot, prayers.  I had the option of chasing waterfalls today or just staying put and enjoying my last day here, and I think I went with the right choice. Sleeping in late ( till

more ramblings

 There is a country song that often flits through my brain  " when was the last time you did something for the first time"  This year I did a few things. I took and failed miserably at motorcycle lessons, I am now traveling solo and yesterday I did something i have been terrified and exhilarated by- I took surfing lessons. Now surfing has been something that I have wanted, in theory , to do for years. However, I have pushed off all week going for lessons even though the main reason for being in this town was to learn to surf.  When he was giving me the practical lesson yesterday and was listing all the ways I could die...I had my oh shit moment of - maybe this isnt the best idea...but i powered through.  The lesson was humiliating. My instructor was the nicest. But there is something about learning new things as an adult. I have a really hard time doing things that I am not good at. I got frustrated to the point of tears when I took my motorcycle lessons. Yesterday, I almost

shabbat ponderings

 So this shabbat was definitely out of my comfort zone.  This was the first time I had spent shabbat alone in a foreign country. There were about 50 people there- majority of which were secular isrealis.   I managed  to find a few american guys from Crown Heights so that helped.  Overall I have to say that shabbat was interesting . There was not a huge amount of food. I ended up having my jerky so i could have meat on shabbat. I had some instant soup. I read. Spent a lot of time with my own thoughts, insecurities and doubts.  It was pouring rain from about 3pm till 11 when i went to sleep.  Havdala was comforting. The same sefardi havdala my father makes. I always find it beautiful when seemingly irreligious jews show up for shabbat and havdala.  Still not sure how long I will stay here. But the sun is out again. 

Shabbat Alone

 So I did this experiment where I am solo traveling for 2 weeks. The past 10 days I was with someone else and it was a rollercoaster of an adventure. But there was not a minute I had to myself. Last night i checked myself into a fancy hotel and just relaxed and it was amazing. But today, I am approaching shabbat all alone with a bunch of strangers...and i feel the tears welling up.  I feel isolated because I am different than everyone here.  I feel dumb that I overpaid to stay somewhere "Jewish" so i could be with others,when i could have stayed somewhere significantly nicer for the same price. I feel sad that the person that was supposed to come with me backed out.  Most of all i feel like i screwed up and I am disappointed in myself.  I'm not sure how i will feel in a few days and I told myself if i really hate it I will go. But i need to try.  This is scary traveling alone, but i felt like it was something I needed to do.  I bought myself flowers for shabbat, and hopef

break

  Grief Shatters.  if you let yourself shatter, and then put yourself back together, piece by piece, you wake up and realize you have been completely reassembeled. you are whole again.  you are strong you are suddenly a new shape, a new size when grief rings: surrender. there is nothing else to do. the delivery is utter transformation.  I am unsure where that is quoted from, I have a feeling its from Untamed.  This has been sitting in my drafts for a while, and I am finally ready.  I was in Miami a few weeks ago with a group of friends and we had gone to dinner and we were having an amazing time. Two women and a man come approach us - asking us if were persian, where we are from etc. Small talk no problem.It quickly sours when they start giving us shidduch advice. The complete inappropriateness of that interaction is not what this is about. My friend meets one of the ladies the next day.  She asks this stranger - what drew you to our table in the first place?   her response-   you all