welcome to depressive-y season,

the weather is dark, its cold and im just tired. I am sad and i dont like it. 

I originally thought that maybe this has to do with my family drama and the way my brother has been hurting me and my family. the disrespect that he and his wife has been showing. and then add to that the stress of trying to work around my family's schedule, plan a florida trip and a february trip.

but i think that what kind of pushed me over the edge was dealing with my friends break up, it has been bringing up all my feelings from my break up that i probably never truly got over. He has been going through the feels that come when you break up with someone that you truly love. and its just been reminding me of all the pain and hurt that i had/ probably continue to have that just lays there underneath everything. 

the mourning of everything that you lost, the love that you will never feel again, the freedom and excitement you feel when your with the person that is your person, the person that is home.

i thought that i had put that behind me, but if im honest with myself - its me wanting to put it behind me. 

ill never stop loving her, ill never stop looking for her, never stop comparing every other person that comes after her to her. i want it to be over. i want to not care. but every time she texts me for whatever how stupid, something in me lights up again and i just want to keep talking with her forever. and i know this is my hormones right now that are going haywire. i know that she isnt good for me. i know that she isnt the person anymore that i fell in love with. the person that i remember isnt there anymore 

but then i get a glimpse of her again/talk to her again and thats all i want 

and my brother cutting us all out of his life, and disrespecting my parents and me and my sister when all we want is to love them and share in their lives...and it just makes me angry 

my gf has been telling me that she hopes that i will start writing again. i guess i did. and i probably need to more often so i dont end up gasping for air while i cry. 

ok, i can breathe a bit better now, gotta get back to adulting 

Comments

  1. It has been 7 years or so since I have explored the Wondering Minds, but I came on tonight to see if anyone I used to follow is still in the blogging world.
    I think that writing is always a good way to express yourself, throughout the highs and the lows, and thru all of the adulting.
    Get in a routine of writing things out, and maybe it'll help get through the difficult times!

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    Replies
    1. hey its good to see your "face" it does help when i get around to it

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