AM Inspiration

So- the un-sureness continues.  And its debilitating. I want to stay. I want to strike out.  I want to make a splash. I want to stay hidden. I wanna say Eff it. I want to be cautious. I want to be an adult. I want to revel in my youth. I never really thought I had dreams. I am scared to have dreams. Having dreams I am not pursuing means I am a coward. It means I am a failure. It means that I am just like millions of others who have settled in their lives. I am just one more person that has settled for a life of mediocrity. I am terrified. Terrified of not living. Terrified of just passing time. Terrified of just passing this world, being-meh. Terrified of becoming my parents. Terrified that I have lost my Judaism. Terrified that it seems to be slipping away. Terrified of becoming the cliche older single. Terrified that I no longer have the zeal for its study. Terrified that I am becoming another rote Jew. Terrified that I actually cannot summon the desire to d...

So, I'm BACK! I am not sure who is left out there. I often think of the blogger world I left behind so many years ago. It was/is a place of cathartic release. I often thought about writing again. I even opened up the page, but somehow no words came out. The few friends who know about AM asked if I was writing anymore. I would shake my head sadly and say " no, not much to say." The truth is, I am not sure what I have left to say that has not been said yet. But somehow, I feel compelled to write again, so here I am. So quick catch up. I am currently going on my third year of being a PA. THIRD YEAR! I can't believe it. I remember that moment when I found out I was being kicked out of PA school. That moment I started again. The day I graduated. The day I passed my boards. They all feel like just yesterday and a thousand years ago at the same time. I am doing what I always dreamed of doing. Yet, somehow I just feel unsettled. Its a feeling many of my friends have des...

To state the obvious its been a while. This is the place i go to when i need help clearing my head. Somewhere where i can figure it out. T'sha B'av the saddest day of the Jewish calendar. the day set aside to mourn all the tragedies of our people. We sit on the floor. We don't get dressed up. We stay inside because going outside means facing the sun and other people. I count down the minutes until i can have coffee and listen to music again. This year i decided that i wouldn't listen to A Capella music during the 9 days. Something to maybe mark the days as different. This is also the first time in the past 3 years that I actually made it to Eicha. The last two years i just did not feel well enough. But do i feel the sadness? Do I feel the pain? Are there any emotions running through me? All I can think about is my own drama. My own ups and downs. What will be with my life? There is nothing to distract me from my own thoughts. So I obsess like i have a tendenc...

Mishenichnat Adar Marbim Besimcha.. as we enter the month of Adar we are supposed to increase our Simcha..and as we approach Purim the joy should be contagious, palpable in the air..unless you don't have any kids in school and do not work in a Jewish environment. I have been working in the ER for the past few weeks so the purim spirit has not been pervading theme. The one thing that I do keep hearing about are these amazing, fantastic purim bashes happening all over the city. OPEN BAR! DELICIOUS FOOD they boast. Purim is one of those holidays when it is so easy to get lost in the details and forget what the day is actually about. We forget that purim is the holiest day of the year. We forget that it was on Purim that the Jews reaffirmed their acceptance of the Torah- this time without the threat of a mountain hovering over their heads were they to refuse. We forget that the prayers with tears on this day have more power than on Yom Kippur. I see all these parties and I ...

So I generally like trying new things, and I don't mind checking out a new scene, because honestly, why not? You never know right? So when my roommate suggested going to a singles event in the meat packing district..i figured what the heck? whats the worst that can happen right? So we went, and despite our efforts to be fashionably late we still managed to be the first ones in. Turns out this event is basically is just a bunch of people socializing at a bar. We all had name tags, and that was as far as the planning went. The music was too loud, the lighting non-existent. This was one of the few times in my life I was actually happy that I date via the shidduch system. I suck at the whole socializing thing. No matter how much I try to psyche myself up and tell myself that I can do it..and that its not that big of deal..I just cant bring myself to do it. I cannot bring myself to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. So I ended up just sitting in the corner..and that's h...

I would like to humbly suggest a new phrase into the dating lexicon. We are painfully intimate with the infamous "one and done." Those dates when you come home shaking your head, wondering what the heck the shadchan was thinking. How does this person ties his own shoes in the morning? Does he know that its 2015? Does he hear himself talk? Has he heard of deodorant? etc etc etc... But I would like to dare suggest something for the dates when you just cant get home fast enough...introducing the " One and Run." For those dates that are just so terrible, so mind numbing, soul sucking, epic fails...for those when "one and done" does not suffice...ONE AND RUN! I was just talking to my dad, explaining to him about the special kind of hell that is dating. I have many a friend who tell me that the best part of being engaged/married is that you never have to go on a first date ever again! What a  mechaya! But then again, what else would we talk about? Some of...

I know this is an oldie..but a goodie! I love things like this