AM Inspiration

 So I was listening to this podcast that talked about stress cycles with Emily and Amelia Nagoski. They talk about burn out and how when we do not complete our stress cycles that is when we end up walking around with the stress which in turn leads to burn out. For some it may be the crying, the letter you never send, the burning of the photos..whatever it is.  So this is me trying to complete my stress cycle. and who ever is reading this and is tired of me talking about the same thing over and over again, you are welcome to click next.  I have so many things that I want to say. So many. and I think that at some point it feels like an endless cycle. saying the same things over and over again. the same conversation. like groundhog day. its amazing. and part of me feels like, every time it happens I feel less hurt and more angry. I guess that's progress.  So you show up, at my office. You say that you've been trying to stalk me. That you have so much you want to say to ...

 What am i supposed to do when the joy of those i love is dependent on me. My parents have always been my responsibility. The wonderful codependency that is our relationship has been crushing and anxiety provoking.  My parents have this canvas of me from when i was 4 years old- its a photo of me and its captioned " our pride and joy."  This has been the bane of my existence for as long as i can remember. All ive ever known is- make your parents proud. We are so proud of you. You bring pride to the family.  Your a DOCTOR ( im not.) My parents sacrificed everything for us. And they made sure we knew it. As an eldest of immigrant parents..i had a lot of responsibility. I still feel it.  My father is not well. He has had crushing headaches for years which cycle with his high blood pressure. Over Rosh hashana he had a spike of high blood pressure and just overall just feeling severe amounts of pain. When i asked him, he said that he has a lot on his mind. I asked my ...

so my new therapist gave me homework, learning to pay attention and to identify my emotions. turns out that after years of trying to fake being happy, parenting my parents and my siblings, always trying to be brave for everyone- all that is not so great for being able to  identifying emotions. i know that i avoid the word "angry" because of its negative connotations. i will say im  frustrated  but never angry. because angry to me is out of control, red, steam coming out of your ears, evil. i will rarely say i am overwhelmed, because i am the strong one that can handle anything. worried- sometimes, happy ...well i was happy but that has not yet made an appearance in a while. she was saying that the anger was a secondary emotion and that i need to identify the primary emotion. i find that i have a harder time with crying. like a baby- when he/she does not know how to express his or herself , the result is tears. and i feel that i do the same thing. anytime i get overwhe...

So this chapter is all about detachment. and this is one of the hardest things that i struggle with. I have to repeat over and over in my head- this is not my problem to fix. ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person or problem in love. we mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities and from problems we cannot solve. is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? how do you feel about detaching from that problem? so this is a problem that i inherited from my parents; making other people's problems my problems. and this is what happened in my last relationships. i make it my responsibility to fix all issues. i make it my problem when she didn't pass her class, needed someone to move her. i try to brainstorm how i can pretzel my life so i can fix problems that no one asked me to fix. yet, somehow i insert myself...

how do you feel about changing yourself? what do you think would happen if you began to change? do you think u can change? Why or why not?  point blank, change is always hard. its hard to admit that i need to change. hard for me to say- that i have a problem. its scary. its frightening to have to completely uproot the way I've been doing things for years, but even more daunting is the fear of failure. what if I am not more  then the people that i have loved? what if when i finally stand under my own spotlight - its a black hole? I am scared of standing on the other side completely alone. i think that whenever you put up boundaries, there will be people who are offended and they take it personally. but i also know that when i have put up boundaries with people who are healthy or are working on being healthy- they celebrate me putting up that boundary, especially because they recognize how hard it is for me. Over the course of the years I have here and there put up boundari...

How would you define codependency? the definition of codependence is going to be different for everyone i guess. there is the definition that the author pens:   a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.   So this definition resonates with me except for the control part. and this was something that i kept questioning myself about. Am I looking for control? Have I been controlling people this whole time? That just seems so dark and manipulative. but then i flashed to one of our conversations post break-up, she said that she felt like i was trying to control everything and trying to insert myself into everything in her life. her therapist said certain things i did were manipulative. at the time, it horrified me and angered me. ME? MANIPULATIVE? are you kidding me?! but maybe i was. maybe,  it does all go back into trapping someone into needing me and therefore not leaving me. it...

activity 1: how do you identify with the people in the chapter? My first thought when i was reading this opening chapter is that I picked up the wrong book. This must be a mistake. everyone in this book is married to an alcoholic, or a child of an alcoholic. or some sort of an addict. that is not my life, no one in my family, immediate or extended, is an addict. no one i ever dated was an addict. i should return this book, it doesn't apply to me. but then i read this quote:  If my husband is happy and I feel responsible for that, then I am happy. If he is upset, i feel responsible for that too. I am anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better. I try to make him feel better. I feel guilty if  I cant. and he gets angry at me for trying....Somehow, i just seem to lose myself in other people. I get enmeshed in them.  this really hit home for me on a few levels. growing up we were very much told to alter how we feel, to make others feel more comfortable. ...