AM Inspiration

It's really hard to know how to feel these days. There is a constant impending sense of doom. People are dying in exponential numbers. Hospitals have refrigerated trucks to hold dead bodies. People are fighting over basic life supplies. The streets are deserted. I am one of the lucky ones. I am still working. I have my health. I have a home. I have a fridge and freezer filled with food.  That being said, I have to fight my anxiety. I have to fight my depression. Last shabbat I set a table for one. I sang Shalom Aleichem by myself. I cried in anticipation. Because even more terrifying than being physically alone for shabbat, it was the fear of being alone with my mind. I survived shabbat, the weather was nice. Yesterday I went back into work and as soon as I put on that surgical mask- i could not breathe. I had to rip it off. Take a few deep breathes, put it back on and then go face my patients. That was when I got actually scared. It really hit me. I could get this. I could...

How? How is it that  you still have so much power over me? Every time I think,  that I am good, that I haved moved on a little bit. Everytime I am proud of myself for how far I have come, you text me. and then you throw me for a loop. i see your number on my phone and my heart drops to my stomach and ..its like im being short- circuited. i am constantly deleting these chats. everytime we have a conversation and you engage me again, you pull me again into your orbit. you pull me into your waves. and i dont want to drown, so im flayling, again. im treading. I know your not treating me well. I know I should tell you to stop texting me, stop pulling me into your quicksand. please