Sign of the Times
It's really hard to know how to feel these days.
There is a constant impending sense of doom. People are dying in exponential numbers. Hospitals have refrigerated trucks to hold dead bodies. People are fighting over basic life supplies. The streets are deserted.
I am one of the lucky ones. I am still working. I have my health. I have a home. I have a fridge and freezer filled with food.
That being said, I have to fight my anxiety. I have to fight my depression. Last shabbat I set a table for one. I sang Shalom Aleichem by myself. I cried in anticipation. Because even more terrifying than being physically alone for shabbat, it was the fear of being alone with my mind.
I survived shabbat, the weather was nice. Yesterday I went back into work and as soon as I put on that surgical mask- i could not breathe. I had to rip it off. Take a few deep breathes, put it back on and then go face my patients. That was when I got actually scared. It really hit me. I could get this. I could die. People younger and healthier and more fit than me are dying so why not me?
For so long I naively, ( some may say idiotically) thought I would be spared. I walked around saying "im not worried about me i am worried about my parents, the elderly, but not me." G-d must have had a nice laugh at me. Me and my arrogance that i was not in danger. I laughed at the people that refused to give me hugs on purim. But here we are. The world is unrecognizable. The ERs are war zones.
I, at first, was thinking how romantic it must be to be quarantined with your loved ones. Stay in bed all day cuddling and watching Netfllix. I bemoaned the fact that I was single and alone (more than usual.) But now my fears are worse, my anxiety making me clench my teeth at night time again. Giving me bad cases of acid reflux. I went on a walk today and even with my music blasting in my ears, my brain went there. What if I die? What if I never see my love again? What if something happens to her? Her family? My family. I had to fight the tears back as I was walking. I came home and the first thing i did was reach for a distraction; netflix, disney+, prime video..something anything to distract me from my mind.
I am now home for 2 weeks before I drive by myself 16 hours home. no co-pilot. no friends, but to be with my family for pesach. i dont know. i really dont know. the ramifications of this virus is so far reaching, so multi-faceted. The sheer amount of death-staggering, the hit to the economy- mind blowing, and the mental health toll- that alone terrifies me.
stay safe
xoxo
There is a constant impending sense of doom. People are dying in exponential numbers. Hospitals have refrigerated trucks to hold dead bodies. People are fighting over basic life supplies. The streets are deserted.
I am one of the lucky ones. I am still working. I have my health. I have a home. I have a fridge and freezer filled with food.
That being said, I have to fight my anxiety. I have to fight my depression. Last shabbat I set a table for one. I sang Shalom Aleichem by myself. I cried in anticipation. Because even more terrifying than being physically alone for shabbat, it was the fear of being alone with my mind.
I survived shabbat, the weather was nice. Yesterday I went back into work and as soon as I put on that surgical mask- i could not breathe. I had to rip it off. Take a few deep breathes, put it back on and then go face my patients. That was when I got actually scared. It really hit me. I could get this. I could die. People younger and healthier and more fit than me are dying so why not me?
For so long I naively, ( some may say idiotically) thought I would be spared. I walked around saying "im not worried about me i am worried about my parents, the elderly, but not me." G-d must have had a nice laugh at me. Me and my arrogance that i was not in danger. I laughed at the people that refused to give me hugs on purim. But here we are. The world is unrecognizable. The ERs are war zones.
I, at first, was thinking how romantic it must be to be quarantined with your loved ones. Stay in bed all day cuddling and watching Netfllix. I bemoaned the fact that I was single and alone (more than usual.) But now my fears are worse, my anxiety making me clench my teeth at night time again. Giving me bad cases of acid reflux. I went on a walk today and even with my music blasting in my ears, my brain went there. What if I die? What if I never see my love again? What if something happens to her? Her family? My family. I had to fight the tears back as I was walking. I came home and the first thing i did was reach for a distraction; netflix, disney+, prime video..something anything to distract me from my mind.
I am now home for 2 weeks before I drive by myself 16 hours home. no co-pilot. no friends, but to be with my family for pesach. i dont know. i really dont know. the ramifications of this virus is so far reaching, so multi-faceted. The sheer amount of death-staggering, the hit to the economy- mind blowing, and the mental health toll- that alone terrifies me.
stay safe
xoxo
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you know what to do....