AM Inspiration

I fucked up.  I had been looking forward to last night for so long. I planned the outfit. I shopped especially for this. I did my nails. I planned every detail on the off chance that we saw each other,  you would be wowed by me.  and you found me! amongst the throngs you somehow found me. and you didnt let go of me. it was like nothing had ever changed. we danced. we held each other close. and when the evening was over, i let you go. i was on a high. and i was proud of us.  but then i fucked it up.  i got it in my head that you wanted to see me come over. i was impulsive. i knew i shouldnt. but based on how the previous hour had gone, i assumed you felt the same. i was wrong.  and i know that i need to apologize. i didnt respect your boundaries last night.and because of that, i felt again one of the many. and i dont ever want to feel like that again. i deserve more than that . when i was driving over ever single light turned green for me, felt like it was a sign of s

just wanted to say good shabbos. its the small things like that, that hurt the most. i saw that you stopped following me in IG. that hurt a little but I understand why you had to. The same reason  that I had to. you know, its interesting. Because as i feel more comfortable, sharing the pain, the story with more people, the same line keeps coming up- u two really love each other. and its no surprise. Its no shock. we do, we love each other in a way that i think u recognized as so special way before i did. the longer we are apart the more i recognize and appreciate what we had. not that i didnt whilst we were together...but i guess space gives you perspective. but space also keeps showing me that i was not wrong. we were not in a place to be together just yet. and yes, i was scared. Hell, I still am. But i know that i made the right choice. I don't want to feel guilty or second-guess myself as i did for a long time. who knows what or where we would have ended up if i said yes,

Hey babe, So shabbat was hard, as it always is without you. It was always our special time. It's those moments when I can't distract myself with the phone or TV that the emptiness is most evident. But it passed. As everything eventually does. I spoke to my sister after shabbat and she recommended that I email you. Because more than the pain of not having you around, was the not knowing if or when i would see you/talk to you. But I was strong. I didn't. I decided to respect your space. You will come to me when you are ready. Me rushing you, would do no good. So, I did something  I knew would make you proud. I went to my class. Alone. Big, I know. I was impressed with myself. and magic of magic, you reached out. you texted me! you should have felt my heart racing just seeing your name on my phone again. (cliche i know) and you kept texting me, you wanted to see me. and suddenly it was like a weight had been lifted off me and i could breathe again. smile again. we spe

Hey hun, So I tried pot again,  this time in edible mint form. At one point my eyes got heavy so they said I looked high. But I need to learn to let myself go into it. Which i guess has always been my problem. I hold everything tight. I have a hard time letting go of control. Shrugs.  I don't know if and when I will see you again, and I think thats been the hardest part of all this. I've lost my best friend. The last time you walked out my door...I didnt know it would be the last time. I would have held on tighter, longer, would not have let you go. But i guess that is the way it is for everybody. I signed up for a barista class. Its something i have always wanted to do. Learning something,  investing in myself. I know you would be proud of me. Sad that were not doing it together. I saw your picture on your friends IG. Loved seeing you so happy. I only ever wanted to be happy. I never wanted to hold you back. As much as i hate this, i am at the same time so impressed an

Hi my Love, So I found out yesterday that you called one of my friends to check in on me. at least i know your not completely cold to my pain. I tried to do the same, but your friend ignored me. Shrugs.  I am 97% percent sure that I want to commit to you. I know that I cannot reach out to you until its 100%. You deserve more than that. I, first tho, need to commit to myself. I need to become me.  I have to find out who I am without you. I need to find out what makes me independently happy. You know that my biggest fear is becoming my parents, as well as my life passing me by. I need to make choices. I need to choose me. I need to be my own person. and then, then i can choose to be committed to you forever like I want to be. I do not want to live this life without you. and that means, if I want you for long term- for now- i need to be apart from you. Like you said, we both have work to do. I am trying. I will start doing things that make me happy. If i do things I enjoy, I will

Hey babe, So today's updates. I rode on a scooter today! Thought of you the whole time. I know how much you love them! And we tried out a coffee shop that had mad nashville vibes, wished u could have held my hand and taken photos together. Had this really sad moment, when i went shopping with my mom and she paid with quarters. Was very hard for me . I dont want my parents to live like that. I wish i could do more for them. I never want to live like that. I need to be better at budgeting. You were so good at that. Miss u babe

My love, To answer your question you didnt ask- no i am not doing well. After having you in my life for a year and a half, I am most definitely floundering without you. The pain is unlike anything I ever thought possible. The grief, the loneliness, is crushing. I tried reaching out to tell you that I needed you. To try to explain to you hard my life has been, work crushing, my sister admitted to a psych hospital for suicidal ideation,  but you simply said sorry. You couldn't make room for me anymore. I realized that part of the pain I have been feeling, is that I lost my best friend. I lost the person I tell EVERYTHING to. The person that is more proud of me than anyone I know. The person that has been there for me for every high and every low. Who used to drop everything to be by my side. The person who would sacrifice everything for me  for my family. The person that , for the first time in my life, I felt actually got me.  And I have been bottling up all these thoughts, be