AM Inspiration

what is it that i want? it was easier for you to tell me what you want and for me to make it happen. It scared me to think about what i want. because i dont know. it was always easier to live the life prescribed for me. i just did what was asked of me. i went to good schools. got good grades, got a good career.  but somehow the recipe didnt work for me.  i often yearn for a simpler life. a+b=c. right? if only what the hell is it that i want? i know what i dont want i know i dont want to be my parents i know that i dont want life to pass me by i know that i dont want to this insecure and co-dependant. i know that i want to have LIVED. i know that i want to be good at what i do I want to be strong i know i want to help people, make their lives better. i know that i want to love myself. do i want to be married? Do i want to have kids? i don't know. i want to travel - see the world. that i have always wanted i want to be someone people are proud to kn...

I am no stranger to thinking about dying. I am actually kind of morbid. I often think about what would happen if I ran this red? How would my family survive? Who would pay off my loans? Will anyone actually miss me? for some reason, lately the thought of dying is terrifying. she asked me " what is your ambition for life?" and i gave some vague answer about either travelling the world or settling down with a family- or maybe having a family along the way of traveling and exploring. i felt like i disappointed her with my answer. one of my biggest fears has always been a life unlived. that i just float through and let life pass me by. a lot of the time - going through the daily grind- it does feel like like is just passing, time just floating away with the wind. was just watching a show and one of the main characters gets breast cancer and for some reason that really hit me, my own mortality. i have anxieties yes, but they never circled around mortality. but now, with the no...

It's really hard to know how to feel these days. There is a constant impending sense of doom. People are dying in exponential numbers. Hospitals have refrigerated trucks to hold dead bodies. People are fighting over basic life supplies. The streets are deserted. I am one of the lucky ones. I am still working. I have my health. I have a home. I have a fridge and freezer filled with food.  That being said, I have to fight my anxiety. I have to fight my depression. Last shabbat I set a table for one. I sang Shalom Aleichem by myself. I cried in anticipation. Because even more terrifying than being physically alone for shabbat, it was the fear of being alone with my mind. I survived shabbat, the weather was nice. Yesterday I went back into work and as soon as I put on that surgical mask- i could not breathe. I had to rip it off. Take a few deep breathes, put it back on and then go face my patients. That was when I got actually scared. It really hit me. I could get this. I could...

How? How is it that  you still have so much power over me? Every time I think,  that I am good, that I haved moved on a little bit. Everytime I am proud of myself for how far I have come, you text me. and then you throw me for a loop. i see your number on my phone and my heart drops to my stomach and ..its like im being short- circuited. i am constantly deleting these chats. everytime we have a conversation and you engage me again, you pull me again into your orbit. you pull me into your waves. and i dont want to drown, so im flayling, again. im treading. I know your not treating me well. I know I should tell you to stop texting me, stop pulling me into your quicksand. please

I fucked up.  I had been looking forward to last night for so long. I planned the outfit. I shopped especially for this. I did my nails. I planned every detail on the off chance that we saw each other,  you would be wowed by me.  and you found me! amongst the throngs you somehow found me. and you didnt let go of me. it was like nothing had ever changed. we danced. we held each other close. and when the evening was over, i let you go. i was on a high. and i was proud of us.  but then i fucked it up.  i got it in my head that you wanted to see me come over. i was impulsive. i knew i shouldnt. but based on how the previous hour had gone, i assumed you felt the same. i was wrong.  and i know that i need to apologize. i didnt respect your boundaries last night.and because of that, i felt again one of the many. and i dont ever want to feel like that again. i deserve more than that . when i was driving over ever single light turned green for me,...

just wanted to say good shabbos. its the small things like that, that hurt the most. i saw that you stopped following me in IG. that hurt a little but I understand why you had to. The same reason  that I had to. you know, its interesting. Because as i feel more comfortable, sharing the pain, the story with more people, the same line keeps coming up- u two really love each other. and its no surprise. Its no shock. we do, we love each other in a way that i think u recognized as so special way before i did. the longer we are apart the more i recognize and appreciate what we had. not that i didnt whilst we were together...but i guess space gives you perspective. but space also keeps showing me that i was not wrong. we were not in a place to be together just yet. and yes, i was scared. Hell, I still am. But i know that i made the right choice. I don't want to feel guilty or second-guess myself as i did for a long time. who knows what or where we would have ended up if i said yes, ...

Hey babe, So shabbat was hard, as it always is without you. It was always our special time. It's those moments when I can't distract myself with the phone or TV that the emptiness is most evident. But it passed. As everything eventually does. I spoke to my sister after shabbat and she recommended that I email you. Because more than the pain of not having you around, was the not knowing if or when i would see you/talk to you. But I was strong. I didn't. I decided to respect your space. You will come to me when you are ready. Me rushing you, would do no good. So, I did something  I knew would make you proud. I went to my class. Alone. Big, I know. I was impressed with myself. and magic of magic, you reached out. you texted me! you should have felt my heart racing just seeing your name on my phone again. (cliche i know) and you kept texting me, you wanted to see me. and suddenly it was like a weight had been lifted off me and i could breathe again. smile again. we spe...