in search of the real deal

I know someone who never wears pants in the community. When she's in-town she makes sure her skirts cover her knees, elbows are usually covered..she basically attempts tznius while under the watch of the community. But ever should the need arises to leave her beloved home town..on slips the pants and it doesn't bother her at all...bcz where she is going no one knows here and the people who do wear pants themselves so its not an issue. I have often confronted her about this-does G-d not see you when u leave? Does it only matter what people think?

Unfortunately, in this bad-for-shidduchim society that has been created most of what most people do is to curry favor in the eyes of the neighbors, the shadchanim and basically everyone else in between. You never know who you'll meet going to the grocery store-you cant wear THAT! Never mind the few times i did stroll down the vast aisles of Pomegranate everyone there is dressed to kill as opposed to here at home where i roll out in a sweatshirt and long skirt-but thats besides the point.

Due to the pressures that our society has put on us, it is incredibly difficult for anyone to truly be themselves. Everyone has a rep to protect and they are not willing to mess with this even if it means lying, hiding, and over all deceit. People are well intentioned. They want their children to get into good schools, good yeshivas, and the end goal of course is to get a good shidduch and live happily ever after.After all parents only want the best for their children. So when asked by the school if they have a t.v in the house of course they say no! cuz they have to get their kids into school. But who even has a TV anymore with the advent of the Internet you can watch anything you want on demand for free in the comfort of your own home and the Internet is there under the guise of "being needed for work."

We all have parts of ourselves that we don't broadcast to the world. We all have our skeletons in the closet, the dirty little secret. But why is it that we don't broadcast? Cuz we are ashamed, embarrassed and would not be able to walk down the street if anyone knew that bit about you. so we keep it under wraps, swear ourselves to secrecy cuz we know what we did was wrong and hopefully if it was in the past we move on.

But what happens when its not really something that we think its wrong. In fact, most people who watch TV and movies find absolutely nothing wrong with sitting down after a hard day to watch "American Idol." You have had an exhausting day and you just want to chill. But to admit that to anyone would be scandalous. (of course this all depends on the community) but at the end of it all, it comes to down to one question: Who do you answer to? whose opinion really matters to you?

If all you care about is G-d's opinion that its between you and Him and no one else should have any say.If you care about the local gossip's opinion then that's a whole other story. Hashem gave us 613commandments the Rabanan came down with I'm sure a few hundred more to make sure that we lead lives of kedusha and connection with the Creator. you really don't need the restrictions put on you by societal norms on top of the G-d mandated laws.

in All for the Boss Ruchoma Shain writes about her father. All he did was for Hashem. He wrote on the family wedding invitations asking guests to please arrive in modest attire. He did not care what people said about him, didn't worry about what would happen when his children needed shidduchim. Its all for Him. G-d takes care of those who do His will. (not to say that He doesn't love His wayward children as well) A parent is more likely to give a child what he wants if he is well behaved. If he does what he is told.

so why is it so hard to be real in today's day and age. why is it that we have such a fear of  everyone around us that we have lost fear of G-d. We have lost perspective, we have lost focus. These days it feels like the world is coming to an end. it may very well be. There is chaos everywhere, anything and everything has become a crisis. money, shidduchim, schools, water pressure..everything is a crisis. so instead of turning inwards and upwards looking to Hashem seeing what it is that He wants from us, we look to our peers for salvation.

so we hide our flaws, we cowardly hide anything that isn't good for the rep and we live a lie. To find a genuinely real person these days is a rare find. due to societal pressures..it takes insane courage to be yourself and to be honest with those around you about your fears and struggles. from a young age children are trained into this, and the hypocrisy they see doesn't impress em. it doesn't impress me that's for sure. everyone is so busy looking over their shoulder that they cant look forward. you cant grow till you have embraced your faults and become one with them. only then can you better yourself.

being honest with yourself is incredibly hard but once it becomes a habit, you can start to project that outwards and become honest with others as well. we are all attracted to people who are genuine; people you can tell are the real deal.

to be real or not to be real that is the question. the decision is yours.