Breathing Re-post

just a repost, due to the fact that i couldn't breathe yesterday (bring on the tissues). It reminded me of a post i did two summers ago. 
 
My oh my how the time passes, summer semester is almost over and I'm still alive to tell the tale..what to talk about what to talk about? this whole week I've been trying to take my own words to heart looking at seriously everything trying to find something that would be a good blog topic and there were some that were really good..but can i remember them now? what do u think would i be rambling like this if i did?

K i think i may have something..as usual we'll see how it goes. So basically as u all know everything i do these days pertains to chemistry. So in my chemistry class my teacher often says "chemistry is a beautiful thing" and when we don't understand or are confused he says "let me explain this to you so you'll see that chemistry is a beautiful thing.." hes very into it, its his mantra. recently, as in two days ago on Wednesday i was feeling gross,i couldn't breathe my throat was killing me as was my stomach my head, and every two minutes i had to leave class to get a tissue..that night when i was slowly filling the garbage can in my room with tissues i said u know what..breathing is a beautiful thing. being able to breathe and not having to catch that runny nose of mine..that is a beautiful thing. and what reminded me of this is the fact that about two minutes ago i was drawing a blank trying to get the ideas flowing and then BAM i sneezed and that was that.Hashem reminded me of where it was that i wanted to go...so that last sentence just got me thinking on a whole new tangent..and I'm a go with the flow type of gal so we'll just ride this out it just may come full circle after all.

as we all know and as I've said so many times we all have the goals in life that we have. we keep them in our mind that i want to do this, i want to do that..but then when it comes to tachlis we seem to forget exactly what it was that u wanted to do. its like when you are at home and u get up to go to your room to get something and then when u get there u stand there scratchin ur head trying to remember why it ws that u were in ur room, 'what was it that i wanted to get again? ' we've all experienced it and usually we just go back to what we are doing and then hopefully we remember and we go back.

i think this is the chazal " bederech she'adam rotzeh molichin bo/lo" not really sure. basically, whichever way it is that we wanna go, that is the way Hashem leads us. its up to decide the destination He'll be the GPS giving us the directions we need to get to that place. He'll give us reminders when we are diverting off the path..u can sneeze and then ull remember why it is that u are standing there. He'll give u a little nudge to remind what it is that we are doing in this world what it is that u REALLY want to be doing not what the yetzer hara wants u to do.

i was discussing this with a friend of mine about something that I've been struggling with. for a while this thing that i was struggling with was everywhere i went all the time and it was so hard..and at that point i was resisting it so much..but the moment i really decided that it was something that i did not want to be doing and something that i really wanted to avoid..after a few times this thing virtually disappeared. there was a time when i had to deal with it on a daily basis but once i decided not..Hashem made it that i barely ever have the nisayon, its something that i don't even encounter ever. the way we wanna go..Hashem leads us..

so i finished chemistry lab this week..and at the end of lab we have to check out. they come to out little cubby thing, we have to pull it all out wash everything take the labels off and put it on the counter...the TA (teaching assistant) comes around making sure u have everything every beaker, every flask, stirring rod...u get the point and if u don't then u gotta pay they give u a little receipt of the things u need to pay for then u lock up and ur out..you get where I'm going with this? at the end of 120 when we sit in front of the Heavenly tribunal. They are gonna pull everything out from your drawer..they are gonna take everything that was given to u in this world and they are gonna judge...is it still whole was it broken during the ride..was it used properly?...they do a full accounting and everything better be clean otherwise they send us back..we all want to come to shamayim after 120 with clean neshamos, clean utensils to be able to say that everything that was given to us we are returning whole and clean because they were used for the right purposes..

but we have to make sure..this is what i really want..this is what is important to me ..this is what matters..this is what i am going to sacrifice for..cuz this is what i want! and until we can say it with that kind of conviction that tho it may be hard and tho its gonna take a lot of effort its what i want then u get no Heavenly help. however, once its clear without a shadow of a doubt that this is the path that i have chosen this is what is chashuv..this is what matters..that is all Hashem wants from that point on He opens doors for u that you never thought possible. He brings u to such heights that u didn't know were ever attainable even existed. But u have to make sure that this is what u want,this is where ur heart lies.u may be able to fool yourself, fool others but u cant fool the Master of the Universe. He can see through any smokescreen of doubt, through any facade, He sees the truth so u better want it. u better want it bad to return everything clean and sparkling...cuz without Hashem;s help our fight against the yetzer hara is kinda weak. he has years of experience hes seen it all he knows how to make us sin and we think we're doing a mitzva!that's the point to which he can delude us..its incredible!

so ..before i get too worked up..lets go back to breathing is a beautiful thing..its the small things in life that we forget yet it is exactly those small things that make life unforgettable. its that smile u get from ur niece, brother, cousin whatever that makes u melt whenever u think abt it..its that extra millimeter on the elbow or collar..its the five secs extra u beg Hashem for the geula. its the small things that matter, its those moments of truth that no one knows abt but u..its that small time frame that we have to do teshuva with such power and intensity (now and elul btw) its those things that make us who we are..we have to remember that breathing is a beautiful thing..and we have to understand otherwise its not. if we don't understand the logistics behind the scientific law then its not a beautiful thing cuz we dont understand what it is..we can never fully begin to even fathom to understand the entirety of Torah or Hashem..but we can know that everything He gives us is a beautiful thing..and that if we took the time to notice that the sneeze is supposed to remind us on track..that is a beautiful thing..if we recognize all the subtle hints everyday that Hashem loves us ad is guiding us exactly to where we want to go..then that's a beautiful thing..and if we recognize the awesome responsibility that we have to choose that direction and we realize how much power we hold in our small hands..then that is a beautiful thing..