Do you? Really?
I say I believe..................................... I don't
I say I trust ........................................ I don't
I say I'm fine.......................................I'm not
I say it will be OK.................................It won't
Emuna and Bitachon are the cornerstones of our faith. We believe that Hashem is our Father and everything He does is for the best. Or do we?
I recently had a revelation about myself. I always thought that I was a go with the flow kinda person. Very chilled, its not that big a deal, life is river and all that. But its not 100% true. This is what I discovered. If I have no expectations about what is supposed to happen, then yea, I'm chilled, really chilled. Doesn't matter what we are doing, I'm good. But once I have decided and planned on doing something and done all the preparations, and then I'm told, nope try again..that really annoys me and that really annoys me.
This revelation is deeply disturbing to me. It speaks of a deeper more fundamental problem. My lack of emuna. If I really believed that G-d is an omniscient, loving Father then I should rejoice at change. Change would mean that something better than the original came along. Change means that we are doing better. Plan B is waay better than plan B. But that's not how I feel.
I get annoyed, despondent, frustrated and moody when things don't go according to plan. I hide myself in my hoody and behind my headphones. Sure I say, its no problem, with a fake smile. Sure, its not a big deal. But it is. I am stewing. But I shouldn't be.
They say the first step to recovery is awareness. So now I am aware. I am aware that everything is not in my control. Things will not always go my way. Much to my chagrin, 0.01% of the time, I am not right. People make mistakes. The weather changes. Things happen. As much as we would always like things to go as planned they don't and that's not a bad thing. It means G-d is watching out for you and He has a better plan than the one you thought of!
I say I trust ........................................ I don't
I say I'm fine.......................................I'm not
I say it will be OK.................................It won't
Emuna and Bitachon are the cornerstones of our faith. We believe that Hashem is our Father and everything He does is for the best. Or do we?
I recently had a revelation about myself. I always thought that I was a go with the flow kinda person. Very chilled, its not that big a deal, life is river and all that. But its not 100% true. This is what I discovered. If I have no expectations about what is supposed to happen, then yea, I'm chilled, really chilled. Doesn't matter what we are doing, I'm good. But once I have decided and planned on doing something and done all the preparations, and then I'm told, nope try again..that really annoys me and that really annoys me.
This revelation is deeply disturbing to me. It speaks of a deeper more fundamental problem. My lack of emuna. If I really believed that G-d is an omniscient, loving Father then I should rejoice at change. Change would mean that something better than the original came along. Change means that we are doing better. Plan B is waay better than plan B. But that's not how I feel.
I get annoyed, despondent, frustrated and moody when things don't go according to plan. I hide myself in my hoody and behind my headphones. Sure I say, its no problem, with a fake smile. Sure, its not a big deal. But it is. I am stewing. But I shouldn't be.
They say the first step to recovery is awareness. So now I am aware. I am aware that everything is not in my control. Things will not always go my way. Much to my chagrin, 0.01% of the time, I am not right. People make mistakes. The weather changes. Things happen. As much as we would always like things to go as planned they don't and that's not a bad thing. It means G-d is watching out for you and He has a better plan than the one you thought of!
I say I believe..................................... I try
I say I trust ........................................ I try
I say I'm fine....................................... I will be
I say it will be OK.................................It might
Woah! This is such a good post!
ReplyDeleteYou are so right! It's so easy to talk about it but when life hits you so strong and something happens that goes against the way you thought it would, in the opposite direction of your plans, that's where the real test is.
Sounds like you had it hard.
Wishing you all the strength you need to pull out of this, move on and start believing again!!
Thanks Devorah. I'm really fine. We all have our moments and usually those moments produce the best writing. :)
ReplyDeleteAwareness is definitely the best medicine towards a brighter future! so KUDOS to you and keep workin at it!
ReplyDeleteam-yes, these moments do produce great writings but if I had a choice, I'll forgo the good diary/blog entries for the experiences-not that we have a choice in the matter! Hashem knows what's best for us...
ReplyDeleteRachel-welcome to the blog! Awareness is key, and sometimes too much awareness is downright scary.
ReplyDeleteDevorah- we don't have the choice, and i disagree. I think its those moments that make us face ourselves and be brutally honest with ourselves. So the are hard, but at the end, I think they make us better people.
You are right that they are good for us and in the end these experience do make us better people. But, I would never CHOOSE to go through them if I had the choice. But I don't have the choice! We don't ask for tests in our lives. But Hashem gives them to us anyway cuz He knows that they're good for us.
ReplyDeleteYes, these tests are hard. Yes, they're good for me. But at the end of the day, although I may not have asked for it, it's for my benefit and coming from my Loving Father so I'll accept it and try to grow from it.
But that doesn't take away from the fact that I don't ask for or want these tough times in my life. I'd much rather when things are smooth and easy.