Hashem hardened Pharaoh's heart. It was considered a most severe punishment because he was no longer allowed access to the greatest gift G-d gave mankind- teshuva. He was not able to repent for he was not able to regret his actions.
Walking the streets of NY I think that I may be hardening my own heart and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Day after day I walk by people begging on the sidewalk, I ignore the pathetic mother walking with her two year-old in tow as she says she has no papers no job no money and could I please spare some change. These moments are hard. Today... I gave an old man a water bottle I didn't need. He was outside and no one should suffer that kind of heat.
So maybe I'm not so hardened. But maybe I need to be. I don't give of myself so easily... But when I do- I give myself completely to the person. I leave myself vulnerable. Yes it allows for a deeper more real relationship but it also means that I open myself up to more disappointment and more pain.
It's the nature of any relationship. As humans we are fallible and as much as we wish it didn't happen we end up hurting those closest to us the most.
So what's the solution? Should I toughen up, not let things get to me. Not let those things hurt me? I don't know how to do that whilst maintaining the depth of the relationship. Does one have to come at the cost of the other? I like that I can feel emotions so deeply. I like that the relationship matters so much. Maybe that's my problem.
How do you maintain the boundaries? Letting people in but not enough to hurt you? Or do you just learn to live with the pain and hope that the good times outweigh the bad ones?
This is SO hard. I wrote about a similar experience: http://princessofhashem.blogspot.com/2011/07/do-we-pity-how-do-we-help.html
ReplyDeleteI know this is an old post but I just got to read this now.
ReplyDeleteWow...I feel like this is ME talking. I don't think I could have written this as well as you did but I feel the exact same way...about my openness and how it can allow for such depth in a relationship but also how that same openness can cause hurt.
I don't have that much sage advice for you (cuz I'd need some for myself!) but what I would say is, proceed with caution. Do things slowly, don't jump into things and think things through as much as you can (before you let your emotions take over :-) ).
The hurt...I don't know what to say about that. All I can say is I've been there and I know what it's all about. The more you love, the more it can hurt. But it shouldn't hold you back from trusting and letting people in. (hug)