its too hard
I was sitting on the plane, and just as we touched down..it hit me. A huge overwhelming wave of confusion. I was not thinking about anything in particular. One second I was blissfully thinking of nothing, and then BAM! all these doubts, insecurities uncertainty hit me like a ton of bricks.
Pesach is supposed to be a time of redemption. We are commanded to sit and tell over the story of the exodus out of Egypt and we are supposed to feel as if we ourselves left Mitzrayim. We spend weeks cleaning our homes ridding ourselves of physical chometz and as important as that is, it is supposed to symbolize us removing our own personal spiritual chometz. Those behaviors, those habits, those choices that weigh us down...this is the time of year that is infused with that spring cleaning power.
We are supposed to have a personal redemption.
We know that only 1/5 of the Jews actually left Egypt. The other 4/5 decided that it was too hard to leave. Sure life was uncomfortable as a slave, but it was OK and they were not willing to leave. They were not willing to put in the work that was required for them to be redeemed. They were punished by death. They never did leave. They were killed during the plague of darkness.
All my life I have been really clear on my path. Once I chose a direction, i stuck with it. I am a pretty confident gal, always sure that I was making the right choice, knowing what and why and how I was planning on doing things. Self-doubt is not something I am accustomed to.
Now? Now i just don't know. I don't know what it is that I want. I don't know if what i say i want is really what i want. Is what i want to want what i really want to want? These are the thoughts that plague my mind.
The scariest thing of all, is that I kinda relate to those Jews who wanted to stay. Right now in my life, there is so much that i need to change. I have so much chometz that needs to be collected and burned. I am deep in this spiritual exile, deeper than I have ever been in. Yet, i just cant be bothered to do the work that it requires. At this point in time I just am too lazy to actually do anything about this huge cognitive dissonance I am living with.
Its just easier to just ignore the fact that anything is wrong. It is far simpler to pretend that it does not exist. I daven twice a day (for the most part) dress modestly, treat my parents with respect (ibid), keep shabbat to the best of my ability. The major players are intact. Its the the details, its the parts that are supposed to be refined that have been tarnished and I am too exhausted to get out the polish.
Just living life day to day at the moment without any thought to the future and who i want to be and who i want to be with 10 years from now. That's too much work. The present is enough for me to deal with-it is more than i can handle as it is.
Pesach is supposed to be a time of redemption. We are commanded to sit and tell over the story of the exodus out of Egypt and we are supposed to feel as if we ourselves left Mitzrayim. We spend weeks cleaning our homes ridding ourselves of physical chometz and as important as that is, it is supposed to symbolize us removing our own personal spiritual chometz. Those behaviors, those habits, those choices that weigh us down...this is the time of year that is infused with that spring cleaning power.
We are supposed to have a personal redemption.
We know that only 1/5 of the Jews actually left Egypt. The other 4/5 decided that it was too hard to leave. Sure life was uncomfortable as a slave, but it was OK and they were not willing to leave. They were not willing to put in the work that was required for them to be redeemed. They were punished by death. They never did leave. They were killed during the plague of darkness.
All my life I have been really clear on my path. Once I chose a direction, i stuck with it. I am a pretty confident gal, always sure that I was making the right choice, knowing what and why and how I was planning on doing things. Self-doubt is not something I am accustomed to.
Now? Now i just don't know. I don't know what it is that I want. I don't know if what i say i want is really what i want. Is what i want to want what i really want to want? These are the thoughts that plague my mind.
The scariest thing of all, is that I kinda relate to those Jews who wanted to stay. Right now in my life, there is so much that i need to change. I have so much chometz that needs to be collected and burned. I am deep in this spiritual exile, deeper than I have ever been in. Yet, i just cant be bothered to do the work that it requires. At this point in time I just am too lazy to actually do anything about this huge cognitive dissonance I am living with.
Its just easier to just ignore the fact that anything is wrong. It is far simpler to pretend that it does not exist. I daven twice a day (for the most part) dress modestly, treat my parents with respect (ibid), keep shabbat to the best of my ability. The major players are intact. Its the the details, its the parts that are supposed to be refined that have been tarnished and I am too exhausted to get out the polish.
Just living life day to day at the moment without any thought to the future and who i want to be and who i want to be with 10 years from now. That's too much work. The present is enough for me to deal with-it is more than i can handle as it is.
You should focus on the present alone. My mistake is that I worry and plan, and to quote Loa Tzu:
ReplyDelete“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
I'm anxious because I live in the future, but I am working on myself now to focus on the present. You shouldn't be thinking about ten years from now; you should be thinking about today.
Your right
DeleteIn general it's important to realize the precious present and utilize all that it has
But at the same time... When your at stage of your life when you have to make decisions that will effect your future ( ie dating) then you have to have some idea where it is u want to be in the future
We need to have spiritual goals otherwise we just end up going backwards
U need to look into the future- it's part of being a growing person
I copied one line that I could have said verbatim, then realized that that was true about the lat 4 paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteAll of those paragraphs freak me out, but the copied line, "Is what i want to want what i really want to want?" is the one that scares me and makes me lose sleep at night.
It is a scary thought
DeleteThe question is what are u doing with that thought
Aside from not sleeping at night? Trying to figure out if what I want to want is what I really want. During the process I'm working with the assumption that what I want to want is what I really want, so the work that I'm putting into myself is with the goal of achieving those goals and standards.
Delete