Thinking
I had a sobering realization on the train yesterday.
I was thinking (instead of studying) about who I am, where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I've become..all those common self reflective questions that come up at this time of year.
All that thinking brought me to a sinking realization. A frightening conclusion.
I no longer was thinking like a Jew. I was going through the motions. Doing all the things that I was supposed to. But my thought processes, my logic, my trains of thought were not in the Jewish vein.
My teacher, Rabbi Brown, said a lot of things but one of the things that always stuck with me is the importance of thinking like a Jew, thinking like someone who is connected to generations leading back to the giving of the Torah. Thinking like someone who yearns and craves for a relationship with her Father the King of the world. Thinking like someone who believes that every thought and action has a consequence not only in this world but in all 7 Sfirot.
Instead I have been thinking like someone who is lost in this world. Lost in this physical. Lost in the rat race. Lost in the culture and society. Just doing and not thinking.
I guess the first step is admitting i have a problem. Then addressing it.
It honestly scared the living daily lights out of me when i realized what had happened. I'm not sure when i crossed over so to speak. All i know is that i have to try my best to get my thoughts in order.
I am going to pray Gd gives me a good brainwashing this Yom Kippur. I need to have a cleaner year.
I was thinking (instead of studying) about who I am, where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I've become..all those common self reflective questions that come up at this time of year.
All that thinking brought me to a sinking realization. A frightening conclusion.
I no longer was thinking like a Jew. I was going through the motions. Doing all the things that I was supposed to. But my thought processes, my logic, my trains of thought were not in the Jewish vein.
My teacher, Rabbi Brown, said a lot of things but one of the things that always stuck with me is the importance of thinking like a Jew, thinking like someone who is connected to generations leading back to the giving of the Torah. Thinking like someone who yearns and craves for a relationship with her Father the King of the world. Thinking like someone who believes that every thought and action has a consequence not only in this world but in all 7 Sfirot.
Instead I have been thinking like someone who is lost in this world. Lost in this physical. Lost in the rat race. Lost in the culture and society. Just doing and not thinking.
I guess the first step is admitting i have a problem. Then addressing it.
It honestly scared the living daily lights out of me when i realized what had happened. I'm not sure when i crossed over so to speak. All i know is that i have to try my best to get my thoughts in order.
I am going to pray Gd gives me a good brainwashing this Yom Kippur. I need to have a cleaner year.
It's part of life. We fall. We lose the inspiration we used to have. We become jaded. We go through life and it's just hard. Whatever it is, we don't necessarily stay on that spiritual high we once had...and we look at ourselves and wish we could get back there-even a little bit. We stopped thinking...I know what it's like too.
ReplyDeleteIt takes conscious effort and constant reinforcement to get back there. But you will get there. You have the awareness, you know where you WANT to go...don't be too hard on yourself. Take it slowly...and maybe when some of the outside pressures subside a little bit, you'll be able to take another step.
Good luck. (hug)
thanks Devorah, its the circle of life..i know we go up and down..i just feel as if i have been on the low end for too long and the upstroke doesn't seem to be anywhere on the horizon.
DeleteI know that feeling all too well. The next step might be to...pray. (Surprise!) Ask Hashem to help you...because it's too hard to do it alone with everything else going on around you and in your life. Be ready to take the first step...ask Him for guidance...and open your heart to be willing to change. It IS possible. Hard, for sure, but doable.
ReplyDeleteYou have the awareness...so that's amazing. Now you need to be ready to do what it takes... :)